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Pope Benny, Gays in Uganda, Rocket Ships

Pope B-Dog let the alpine play. He was pumping new shit from NWA.

Pope Benny, after suffering monumental embarrassment when one of his homies was caught trying to bang dude hookers with help from a man-child choir boy, has totally shown the world that he, nor his higher-up niggaz in the Vatican, actually give a crap about that stuff Jesus said about being cool to people. Because when push comes to shove and the institution that is the Catholic church walks the line between staying super duperly popular or actually embodying the basic tenants of Christ’s teachings, those motherfuckers would rather save face.

For instance, the Ugandan Parliament is attempting legislation that would toss homosexuals in jail or, if that’s not harsh enough, just kill the homos straight up. (Side Note: There would probably be a huge public outcry against this proposed bill if it were, let’s say, happening in Germany. But there are very few white people in Uganda; turns out Uganda is mostly full of Ugandans, so only wacky left-wing communists and George Clooney will give a fuck.)

Of course, Pope B-Dog didn’t mention the bill while addressing Ugandan Catholics. This is because the Catholic church in Uganda is competing with Christian fundamentalists and Muslims. The fundies and Muslims are, hilariously, not content with just imprisoning or killing gays; presumably, they would rather build a time machine and go back in time to kill the first homo, thus annihilating the ‘gay threat’ at the beginning.

Like this, but with dead fags and Ugandans.

The Catholics, fundies, and Muslims are fighting over believers, sort of like corporations battling for customers, although fuck the “sort of like” big business, because that’s exactly what’s happening here. And Pope B-Dog and the Ugandan bishops, instead of standing up for the principles laid out by Jesus, would rather play it safe and, at least, retain a neutral stance on the Homo Killer bill to placate the fiery hatred of gays held by Ugandan religious retards so said religious retards don’t go Islamic or pentecostal fundie.

This is akin to having two Nazi parties, one which is somewhat ‘progressive’ (in the absolute loosest sense of the term) and would rather just kill Jews as opposed to the super Hitler supporters who want to strap Polish Heebies to a rocket and send them crashing into the sun. (Another Side Note: Yes, we totally just took a cheap shot at Pope B-Dog with the Nazi reference. We’re aware and no, we don’t give a fuck.)

There it is, dear readers. This is what happens when so-called benevolent institutions must choose between sticking to their principles or, like any big business, fretting over their bottom line.

Pope B-Dog on recent criticism: "If they hate then let 'em hate and watch the money pile up."

Posted in Propaganda.

Terrorists in Bossier Parish, Louisiana: Beware

Terrorize this.

P.J. O’Rourke — “Seriousness is just stupidity sent to college.”

…or, in Bossier Parish, Louisiana, sent to a paramilitary training school run by (and we’re not making this up) the former president of an organization of police officers called (get ready for it) Cops for Christ. Bossier town sheriff Larry Deen has started Operation Exodus, a militia-like program to train ordinary townsfolk to totally fuck up Osama bin Laden, assuming bin Laden visits Bossier.

As opposed to cops who aren't for Christ.

Sheriff Deen and the 200 volunteers for Operation Exodus are, obviously, terrified of terrorists. Unlike we wine sipping east coasters, who no doubt want all agents of terror to be pampered and hugged as we tell them how much we value their religious and cultural views, the Operation Exodus bad asses are ready to kill some motherfuckers. But one has to ponder the probability of a swarm of bug-eyed, Quran-clutching Islamic militants descending upon the God-fearing folk of Bossier Parish. Well, we at Lib Porn didn’t have to ponder for very long. We will use our super mind powers to predict that there is never, ever going to be a terrorist attack in Bossier Parish.

Osama's next target?

A super duperly retarded mixture of religious wackjobbery and unrelenting small town conservative fear of terrorist attacks makes stupid men do stupid things, like joining a paramilitary organization to defend a town with a population of just over 100,000 people. We don’t mean to disappoint Sheriff Dean or his bad ass paramilitary forces, but we can safely say that there will be no holy wars, nor any wars against freedom or even wars against those with southern accents (that war happened already), in Bossier Parish. Members of Operation Exodus have, sadly, watched too much Glenn Beck and too many movies. The only time a small town of wholesome Christian Americans has been overtaken by evil foreigners was in Red Dawn and those evil foreigners were godless Cuban and Russian communists, not the various Muhammad Mafiosi planning on killing infidels.

Furthermore, terrorists spend a lot of time and money planning their attacks. One has to believe that any man willing to totally explode himself will try to find a good target. Well, dear readers, go to Google Maps and locate Bossier Parish. Not only is Bossier Parish practically devoid of all signs of civilization, although you may see a few mega-churches or even shooting locations for True Blood, both of which would send even the most crazed terrorist running in fear. No, a batshit insane religious nut who is going to train and plan for the most awe inspiring attack on western civilization is most likely going to target a city. Sheriff Dean and other small town conservative dickholes don’t seem to understand that nobody wants to blow up their fucking town. American citizens most at risk for being terroristed to death are the supposed liberal softies in the big coastal cities.

Sheriff Dean and those cut from the same mold continue to show us sane folk what religion, fear, and, most dangerously, boredom can to do otherwise decent people. In short, they become way too serious. Sheriff Dean was so serious about his town’s non-existent terrorists that Bossier Parish will now have 200 armed men ready to spring into action should anyone with a turban or camel wander into the town limits. Or maybe just an Arab who, for whatever, reason, decided to torture himself by traveling to Bossier only to discover that a couple of militant, armed rednecks are following him. Because Arabs are likely to have exploding planes in their pocket, or some shit.

She may look adorable, but Sheriff Dean assures us that she'll kill you three times before you hit the ground.

We suggest that any pissy pants, bed-wetting, small town conservative suffering from paranoia come back to earth. Grab a beer and take it easy. Skip the mega-church sermons tomorrow morning and bone your old lady. After you’re sufficiently relaxed, take a walk around your neighborhood (without a gun, nightstick, or terrorist repellent pepper spray). Now really, aside from the closet KKK members and meth-addicted moonshiners huddling in the woods, do you see anyone that poses as a threat to your way of life?

Actually, you just might. Men like Sheriff Dean who want to form barely-trained posses to fight phantom terrorists trying to burn down their town’s church are doing just what the real terrorists want. The douchebags who airplaned the shit out of us on 9/11 wanted to disrupt our way of life, get our attention, and, essentially, scare us to death. That’s what terrorism is all about. It isn’t about sending waves of foreign soldiers over our borders to topple our country, it’s about forcing everyday civilians like Sheriff Dean to shake in their cowboy boots.

Side Note: Operation Exodus seems to have no requirements for their rank-and-file. We’re not talking about ex-military men with training. We’re talking about these guys (actual photo of Operation Exodus training):

The elite warriors of Operation Exodus.

Fat old rednecks armed with .50 caliber guns patrolling a small southern town for terrorists?

“(Islamic terrorists) have been in and out,” a spokesman for Deen says. “A lot of our intelligence information has come in conjunction with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies.” When asked about this ‘intelligence’, the FBI Louisiana field office said they ‘would look into it’, which is sort of like when you ask a girl on a date and she says, “Yeah um…maybe.” The spokesman then went on to admit that they had little-to-no evidence of an imminent threat. This threat, Deen’s spokesman says, “came from tidbits”…at a time, we must add, that small town folk are more paranoid than ever. Given the fearful attitude of small town America in the Obama era, this is equivalent of thinking that the Ayatollah is hiding under your bed when Jimmy Carter was elected.

Christ. At least the Minutemen on the border are hunting people who actually exist.

Posted in Propaganda.

Watch These Movies (Part I)

The following is a partial list of films, part of the Liberated Collection, located at the Lib Porn National Archives in Philadelphia. Watch them. They’re good for you.

Joe Versus the Volcano (1990)

Synopsis: Tom Hanks finds out he only has a few months to live. Understandably, Tom quits his shitty job and is liberated from the tedium of employment. Lloyd Bridges offers Tom a chance to die as a hero, via volcano, in order for Lloyd to gain access to mineral rights from an isolated and superstitious island tribe.  In exchange for his services, Joe would be granted unlimited funds and is expected to endure a month at sea until he reaches the South Pacific.  Joe says sure. Joe meets Meg Ryan. Meg and Joe sail to the South Pacific. They talk and get to know each other. A storm! Peril! Existential Experience/Fulfillment/Epiphany!  They reach the island. Joe and Meg state their love for each other before Joe jumps in…then there’s about 15 minutes left.

Why It’s Awesome:  Includes a spectacular “quit your job” scene in the first 15 minutes. Tom plays a ukulele.

Quotes: Joe Banks: And why, I ask myself, why have I put up with you? I can’t imagine, but now I know. Fear. Yellow freakin’ fear. I’ve been too chicken shit afraid to live my life so I sold it to you for three hundred freakin’ dollars a week!

Waponis Chief: We are the children of children and we live as we are shown.

Dr. Ellison: You have some time left, Mr. Banks. You have some life left. My advice to you is: live it well.

Tidbit(s): Meg Ryan plays three parts and is kinda cute. Kinda. The film flopped at the box office despite it’s astute exploration of human sentiment and meaning.

More Info:
IMBD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099892/
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Versus_the_Volcano
Tom quits his job (YouTube): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGLKnAvzlg4
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Wall Street (1987)

Synopsis: Charlie Sheen is a young, ambitious, business-school-wall-street type who’s hungry to have it all. Mike Douglas has it all and is greatly idealized by Charlie. Basically, Charlie wants to be like Mike.  Charlie makes his way into Mike’s inner circle. Mike shows Charlie how to make it. Making it involves acting shady.  Charlie is having doubts that he wants to be like Mike.  Charlie gets arrested. Charlie does the right thing. Charlie Sheen will always be Charlie Sheen, as much as he wanted to be Mike Douglas, he’ll always be Charlie Sheen.

Why It’s Awesome: The point of the film is to show that GREED IS NOT GOOD.  Well, not as good as business school douches and Ayn Rand readers would like you to think. Yet, more people than I’m comfortable with fail to realize that. Everyone loves to quote Mike Douglas when they should be quoting Hal Holbrook.

Quotes: Lou Mannheim: Man looks in the abyss, there’s nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.

Carl Fox: I don’t go to bed with no whore, and I don’t wake up with no whore. That’s how I live with myself. I don’t know how you do it.

Lou: The main thing about money, Bud, is that it makes you do things you don’t want to do.

Tidbit(s): Daryl Hannah is in this movie and is kinda cute. Kinda.

More Info:
IMBD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094291/
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wall_Street_%281987_film%29
Wall Street Trailer (YouTube): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCctqbRrsBQ
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Fight Club (1999)

Synopsis: This dude (Norton) meets another dude (Pitt) who helps him (Norton) get out of his shell through fighting. They fight outside sometimes where people see them. A following of interested individuals develops.  Enough so where they have club rules and outings. Strong undertones of anti-consumerism abound.  Things go swimmingly until the dude has some issues with the other dude. They fight.  Turns out: the dude was himself all along. Only one dude. No other dude. Pitt and Norton are one and the same. Like peas and carrots but initially confused about it all. A plethora of credit card company buildings are imploded.

Why It’s Awesome: Similar to Wall Street in the sense that the vast majority of people fail to appreciate this film properly. The fighting is secondary to the message of anti-consumerism and acknowledgment of valid dissatisfaction with modern society. Further, a plethora of credit card company buildings are imploded.

Memeroble Quotes: Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Tyler: You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

[the Narrator's apartment has just been blown to pieces]
Narrator: I had it all. I had a stereo that was very decent, a wardrobe that was getting very respectable. I was close to being complete.
Tyler: Shit man, now it’s all gone.

Tidbit(s): Helena Bonham Carter is in this movie and is kinda cute. Kinda.

More Info:
IMBD: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0137523/
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight_Club_%28film%29
Fight Club Trailer (YouTube): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QgFWXLN-ug
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Posted in Propaganda.

Totally Awesome (Noun): The ACLU

America, for lack of a better phrase, constantly has sand in its vagina. An outsider wouldn’t expect this, except for maybe a Canadian, since Canada is really just a boring, less alpha male version of the USA. To everyone else America is a bully, and an unfeeling bully at that. Teddy Roosevelt perhaps; we’re a meaty motherfucker from prosperous stock and we’re so bad ass that we don’t even consider giving speeches unless we have a bullet lodged in our chest. We not only don’t feel the bullet stuck between our ribs, but we shrug off everything else too.

It was only one bullet, but he could have easily handled three or four.

Except that we don’t. Americans tend to act like cliché hormonal pregnant women, which is to say we get super emotional about everything imaginable, especially when we’re offended. Odd, considering America’s supposed love of free speech. Free speech, as we’ve mentioned before, isn’t as spiffy and spotless as it sounds; although the Alien and Sedition Act is long dead and nobody will get pissed if you stand on a street corner barking insults about King Edward, Americans like to suspend free speech when said speech makes them uncomfortable. Yet time and again, one organization steps up to not only defend the First Amendment rights of decent people, but also the rights of complete scumbags. And that’s the ACLU.

A liberal might say, “Dude, all wine-sipping communist liberals like me love the ACLU!” But the American Civil Liberties Union doesn’t fall into anyone else’s neat, tidy political box. True, liberals often champion the ACLU…but not when the organization is defending, say, a Neo-Nazi’s right to protest. Near a synagogue. During Yom Kippur.

And for some vaguely related reason, here's a pic of two hot Israeli army broads.

Free speech can be tricky, right? Some people think so, ranging from bleeding-hearts to the religious right.

Well it shouldn’t be tricky. If the lowliest and scumbaggiest of our citizenry are denied their right to free speech, we’re all at risk. Sure, some might wonder what a Neo-Nazi march has to do with their right to burn an effigy of Dick Cheney, but the link is obvious; the sensitivities of the public, and the government, are all relative. Banning certain manners of expression because of another person’s hurt feelings can easily snowball into political censorship. Look at Stalin. That dude’s feelings were hurt all the time. That’s why he loved gulags so much.

Possibly emo.

Conservatives really seem to hate the ACLU. Republicans, Tea Baggers, and most Americans who get sexually aroused by photos of Ronald Reagan think ACLU lawyers want to burn the American flag, put photos of Malcolm X in each white person’s home, nominate Mumia in 2012, and force every wholesome middle American child to come to school dressed as a transgender communist at least once a semester. Yet the ACLU defended Oliver North in one case and, in 2006, joined forces with gun ownership advocates in Washington State when Washington libraries blocked pro-gun websites on their computers.

"Dear God, not the pro-gun websites!"

Again, freedom of speech isn’t tricky. It’s brutally simple and sometimes that simplicity – the idea that every single one of us has a right to that freedom – can rub people the wrong way. Sort of like when the ACLU defended NAMBLA (yes…NAMBLA) in a civil suit after a pedophile murdered a child. NAMBLA was sued because the murderer visited NAMBLA’s website prior to the killing. Although the ACLU doesn’t endorse NAMBLA’s message, it defended the organization because NAMBLA had nothing to do with the murder. (Yes we despise NAMBLA too, but imagine if Eminem was convicted because some sick asshole started calling himself Slim Shady then killed his wife.)

If the ACLU were a person, it would have a monstrously badass set of titanium balls for it’s work in standing up for the First Amendment. When this organization defends the rights of those who, in their racism, sexual perversity, or love of national socialism, make us want to vomit our intestines all over the Constitution and even tempt us to say, “Okay, maybe not all people should have a right to free speech,” it’s actually doing our country a great deed. Free speech is what makes America America. Even if it sometimes makes you shudder.

Free Speech: Our Constitutionally-protected right to post photos of chicks hooking up. Eat that, China.

Posted in Totally Awesome {Noun}.

Ushers, Choir Boys, and Gay Sex in Pope Benny’s Crib

Vatican Ushers: Fantabulous.

We should all feel very bad for Angelo Balducci, an usher – not a priest – at the Vatican. Balducci was totally ‘busted’ for attempting to procure gay prostitutes from a Vatican choir boy, who happens to be 29 years old, which made me wonder what kind of guy who’s a cunt hair away from 30 becomes a choir boy, but that’s another article entirely. To be fair, Balducci is married man and, given his penchant for cheating on his wife with dudes, we can safely say that Balducci is a bastard. Balducci, however, isn’t really the issue here.

The media (in particular, the AOL News homepage, where I stole this story) has labeled this event a ‘Vatican Sex Scandal’. It will doubtlessly send shockwaves through Catholicism. For the love of God, Balducci was in the Pope’s inner circle! Although, one has to wonder why an usher is considered part of the Pope’s inner circle. Don’t ushers just kind of stand there?

Well, not this Usher.

Of course, his Holiness – wrinkled douche that he is – promptly fired Balducci and expelled him from the Vatican. This is odd when you consider that Balducci was just an usher who was trying to get laid…by adult prostitutes. It turns out that the sweep-this-shit-under-the-rug approach that the Catholic church employs so often whenever a priest fucks a child doesn’t apply to a loyal member of Pope Benedict’s inner circle who committed the heinous crime of getting his noodle wet with another consenting adult. And though the media is framing this story as an embarrassment for the Vatican, Lib Porn contends that Pope Benny and the higher-ups in the Catholic church are absolutely digging this development.

Why shouldn’t they? Benny and Co. have just shown the world that they won’t tolerate sexual goings on in their house. Not even for a moment, motherfuckers! Being gay is a goddamn sin and they tossed that homo quicker than you can say “Spirito Santi”. Big ups to the bishops, cardinals, and the rest of ya’ll, Big Daddy Benedict, gettin’ shit DONE.

"Woke up quick at about noon, just thought I had to be in Compton soon."

Except these rat fuckers that run the Catholic church are a bunch of scumbags. Sure, we can understand their reactionary social views, since they are, after all, religious people. The sexism? Well, Catholicism is pretty old and feminism isn’t relatively new, so I guess we can understand that, too. As for the Holocaust-ignoring bastards in the Vatican back in the ’40s, perhaps we can chalk that up to a fear of getting Luftwaffe-tized. But for years the victims of horny priests have been silence by an institution that, despite any pious facade, is just as corrupt as any other profit-seeking entity that cares more about public appearance than the well being of their rank and file. The rank and file in this case being altar boys, students, and any poor Catholic kid unlucky enough to be cornered by a sick old man wearing a collar.

Forget about Angelo Balducci. The Vatican and, to a lesser degree, Italian law enforcement will probably nail this guy to a wall in an effort to show the world how seriously the Vatican is about criminal activity (in this case, trying to pick up a few gay hookers). Yet this is a load of shit. If the Vatican was that serious, they would stop protecting the various pedophile scumbags within their organization who give everyday priests, who we believe are generally good men, a bad name.

Posted in Propaganda.

America Fears Vladimir Putin’s Nipple Hair

We, the United States, spend 700 billion dollars a year to fight the Soviet Union. This is a very curious statistic, since the Soviet Union has been gone for almost twenty years now, and we and the Soviets haven’t overtly threatened each other with mutually assured destruction for even longer. But the Soviets are gone, now replaced with the haphazardly capitalist Russians and their shirtless, horseback-riding poster boy.

That 700 billion funds a Cold War-era American war machine that isn’t as good at killing terrorists as it would be at killing Chinese soldiers (who are the spiritual successors to the super scary Russians). Except that we’re not at war with China and probably won’t be, because despite all the fearful rabble rousing about the Red Menace, China’s capitalist as hell these days. If history has taught us one thing about capitalism, it’s that powerful nations with free markets don’t kill each other…they kill less powerful nations with no free markets. And those less powerful nations are the ones with all the nutjob terrorist assholes.

America needs to reorganize its defense budget. Big fucking tanks and ICBMs are certainly impressive weapons, but we have a bunch of those already. And let’s not forget that the so-called War on Terror, also known as the War on Dudes Riding Camels, largely takes place in urban environments among people whose house we’re totally trying not to crush into rubble, which is practically all tanks and ICBMs are good at.

Winning hearts and minds...by blowing them to bits.

Terrorist organizations are basically organized crime gangs in that they’re loosely affiliated group of criminals. Hell, major terrorist groups are usually funded by traditional mob-like ventures anyway, like gun-running. So America is basically fighting a war against John Gotti in a turban. We have to ask: Did the FBI catch Gotti by using ICBMs and tanks? True, Gotti didn’t send suicide bombers onto planes with dick-exploding underpants bombs. Then again, Osama bin Laden never took charge of a criminal organization that controlled the bulk of crime in a large New York City borough, now did he?

If America was a person, it would be an overweight, sweaty, paranoid survivalist living in a backwoods bomb shelter in Montana counting his ammo while waiting for Red Dawn to happen. Well Red Dawn isn’t happening. As mentioned earlier, you don’t need a high-ranking position in the CIA to understand that powerful nations with free markets don’t fight each other too often these days. And please, let’s forget the socialist fear frenzy of the Tea Baggers; the weak tea socialism of first world nations is more likely to raise the standard of living for the rank-and-file (the working class and poor) who, with decent standards, are less likely to get all pissed off at the capitalist machine destroying Mother Russia (or Mother China, or Mother Venezuela). Simply, it’s difficult to rally a population into a wild frenzy of murderous Maoism when the factory workers have health benefits and poor people get to use the internet once in a while. But even the peace between world powers won’t placate the paranoia of fat, Montana Militia-loving America, who’s still dry humping a Minuteman III missile and expecting a Red Menace to crash over our borders at any minute.

Red China's frozen death nipples.

Then again, even if America dropped its paranoia and figured “Hey, maybe we can combat terror groups more effectively with good intelligence and law enforcement efforts than we can with hydrogen bombs”, the arms industry would get a severe case of dick limpness. People make a lot of fuckin’ money off of stealth bombers, tanks, and other goods that employ varying degrees of explodiness. Sure, reorganizing our efforts in fighting the War on Dudes Riding Camels might make sense, but unfortunately it adversely effects the bottom lines of a handful of super rich douchebags.

We can only hope that the American people realize that our defense budget, among other facets of our government and society, is archaic, overpriced, and ineffective. Americans are, after all, a citizenry known for their common sense, right?

Ugh. Never mind.

Posted in Propaganda.

Writer Douches

Pictured: Creativity

We’re all accustomed to douchebags, at least the usual douches; the douchey swinging dicks with popped collars are bad, the trust fund frat scum are worse, with varying levels of douchbaggery sprinkled among our population so that God can laugh at our migraines. However, doucheness isn’t limited to alpha males and arrogant rich boys. For example, writer douches are some of the most annoying in existence.

If you, dear reader, have spent any time in college, you’ve come across a writer douche. Keep in mind that a writer douche isn’t necessarily a writer at all, but just a self-centered asshole who fancies himself a writer. Perhaps he wrote something once, or he might even be somewhat talented, but that’s all secondary to his goal of looking, sounding, and acting like a writer.

To look like a writer, the writer douche meticulously dresses himself in a manner that implies he spent no time at all thinking of what clothes he was going to wear today. Many of these douches take the totally noncomformist and unique hipster route in regards to fashion, but not always. Scarfs are optional, but often employed in their fashion habits because scarfs are a sign that they’re intelligent, creative, and more interesting than you (because you’re not a writer). Facial hair is very important to the writer douche since a poorly groomed beard shows that he hasn’t the time to properly manage his hygiene, as he’s too busy being creative.

So unlike Hemingway, who could literally fuck your girlfriend with his beard.

The writer douche’s conversational tactics are dedicated to letting the listener know how creative and unique he is. Generally he’ll do this by talking about movies and literature you’ve never heard of because the writer douche, as a totally unique and creative writer, has better taste than you. He’ll casually find faults in your favorite movie, should you happen to talk about it, and conclude with backhanded comments that imply you’re not as intelligent or unique as he because you liked Die Hard 3 better than Pi, or because you prefer Stephen King over Gertrude Stein.

To act like a writer, the writer douche combines his fashion and talking points with a general sense of finger-snappingly sickening writer douche posturing. He’s likely to carry a laptop with him everywhere he goes. Don’t be surprised if you don’t see him writing because chances are that he rarely writes at all. Of course, he doesn’t have to, because the first draft of his screenplay is a true gem that requires no further work and his short story about hookers with hearts of gold was almost published in his college’s lit mag and would have been if the editors weren’t so devoid of taste (unlike the writer douche, who has taste falling out his asshole).

These guys don’t become douches because they’re writers as much as they become writers because they’re douches. Being a writer is a very easy way to get attention from others, mainly because they’ll often assume that the douche’s implied uniqueness and creativity are genuine. The only way to discover that the douche is indeed a shitty writer is by reading his shitty writing, a task few sane people would undertake. That’s just fine with the writer douche, of course, because he doesn’t care if you read his crap or not, as long as you remember that he’s a very unique and creative person.

Writers are to be taken very seriously.

Then again, some writer douches will insist that others read their crap. Should you find yourself in this position yet aren’t completely sure that the douchey fuck is actually a bona fide writer douche, take an hour or so and read his fiction. It will no doubt contain various cliches or, possibly, straight up plagiarism. You can’t blame the douche for such lazy writing, as it’s difficult to write well while sipping coffee in a Starbucks (or if that’s too mainstream, a hipster latte dump in a gentrified urban neighborhood). Coffee shops have many distractions that will adversely impact the douche’s ability to write well, but unfortunately this is an unavoidable consequence since it’s paramount that others witness the writer douche writing.

Dear reader, if you are a writer, be careful not to fall into writer douchebaggery.

Posted in Propaganda.

Hey Gym Nut, Calm Down Bitch

Heh...fag.

Grab your issue of Men’s Health (it’s probably underneath one of your three 50 lb dumbbells or, possibly, in the brown paper bag where you stash your steroid needles) and look at that sexy motherfucker on the cover. Yeah, that guy, the one who does sit-ups until he farts out his own anus. I’m 100 percent certain that 85 percent of you have less than one-tenth of a chance of ever looking like that douche.

Every moment, the super duper American advertising machine throttles normal women and shoves the “ideal” female form down their throats, as if a normal broad has a shot of comparing to the half-starved, air-brushed skanks society has deemed sexiest. Well guys catch some of this shit, too. While not as bad as the unattainable image thrown at women, the ideal image for a man is much more dangerous, as that image may lead thousands of men to be smushed by a barbell. Or, at the very least, spend large chunks of their lives wondering what sort of low-fat beef paddy has the greatest protein value.

With enough protein and hard work, you...well, you'll probably still be fat.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being healthy. Being healthy is good, obviously. Nobody, not even those of us who indulge in more vices than we can count, wants to find themselves an alcoholic chain smoker with a stroke under their belt and a limp dick at age 35. But the rampant fitness craze, which is growing more prominent with every supermarket shelf dedicated to protein shakes, protein bars, and, eventually, protein depositories. Depositories that go up your anus. Clearly, this craze isn’t about health, it’s about appearance. And shit, we can’t find anything wrong with a guy who wants to look good naked…until that shit becomes an obsession.

Intelligent people are well-versed in the forgotten art of moderation. Yeah, moderation includes not stuffing yourself full of Pop Tarts every morning, yet it also includes a healthy moderation of your non-eating habits. For instance, a muscle head fitness freak who spends two hours at the gym each morning then dodders about the supermarket in search of whatever obscure vegetable Men’s Health told him to eat this month isn’t really living his life; he’s just boring himself stupid. Eating right to the point of compulsion and lifting heavy shit over your head might keep you in good shape, but we have to ask: When are you going to relax and enjoy yourself?

Men who spend insane amounts of time judging their bodies in front of a mirror suffer from the same self image and, consequently, inadequacy issues as women. In other words, you’re stressing yourself because you don’t look like the aforementioned sexy motherfucker on the cover of Men’s Health (and that guy’s probably just as air-brushed as the broad on the cover of Cosmo). And the part that makes this obsession ridiculous is that you don’t have to look like that guy in order to be content with yourself.

Guilty-tripping yourself because you gobbled down too many cheeseburgers after a long night at the bar isn’t healthy, even if you cure your hangover with two gallons of protein drinks and 45 minutes on the treadmill. Forcing yourself to diet and thus stressing yourself every night you sit down for dinner isn’t the way humans were meant to exist. Meanwhile, throwing your hard-earned cash into the pocket of a sniveling corporate dicksuck for an energy supplement that will most likely atomize your liver in ten years isn’t such a good idea either.

Chip's energy supplement.

The fitness craze among men is just another symptom of our sick consumer culture. We, the worker bees, are sold an image that few of us could hope to mirror. We’re told that if we pump enough iron and throw down just a few thousand dollars for wacky health food and energy shots, we too could become MMA fighters. Except that we won’t. And while we’re working on that unattainable goal, we forget that we’re usually fine the way we are.

Plus, cheeseburgers and beer are a lot better than sit-ups. A lot better.

Were you expecting a pic of a cheeseburger? Well, so were we.

Posted in Propaganda.

Facebook Groups Open Our Eyes About Chile

(All photos, and their captions, were submitted by members of “Pray for Chile” Facebook groups.)

Santiago, capital of Chile, before the earthquake struck.

Philanthropic Facebook users have once again sprung into action. With the earthquake in Chile, thousands of warmhearted social networking folks are able to prove their warmheartedness by joining one of many “Pray for Chile” groups. These groups are a lot like the “Pray for Haiti” groups, but with more Chile, less Haiti, and an even greater difficulty in locating this month’s devastated country on a map.

Chile is almost as poor as neighboring Mexico.

And Chile certainly needs the well wishes of American internet addicts. Santiago, capital city of Chile, is, of course, a glorified shantytown of ramshackle houses, raw sewage, and South Americans, as Facebook informed us. But hey, Chile isn’t America, nor is it a country in Western Europe, so it’s probably just like Africa, only with less black people. (According to many Facebook groups, Africa is also a country in desperate need of Facebook groups; several Facebook users are hoping for an earthquake or two in Africa, because “Pray for Africa” groups show everyone how much the Facebook user in question cares for the less fortunate.)

Lib Porn contacted a few Facebookers who were some of the first warmhearted Samaritans to send relief to Chile via prayer, group membership, and, in some cases, Twitter updates. These users had just looked up the term infrastructure on Wikipedia and, after they found the term confusing and complicated, concluded that Chile had none. The seemed to think General Pinochet was kind of a dick, though. One Facebooker promptly created a group to urge Congress to intervene on behalf of the Chileans and remove this vicious dictator from office.

Despotic ruler of Chile, General Pinochet.

Lib Porn, after extensive Facebook searching, have discovered that Chile is indeed a squalid mess. While we unfortunately believed, prior to the spontaneous outburst of “Pray for Chile” groups, that Chile was actually a well-developed country and economic power in South America, thousands of Facebookers provided us the knowledge that Chile is little more than an open sewer full of MS-13 gangbangers and leftist death squads, much like the rest of South America, Africa, and certain neighborhoods in East LA.

Yet we can’t help but think that we American Facebookers must do more for poor, impoverished, third world Chile. Certainly, we must post even more well wishes for the social and economically backward Chileans. It’s a known fact on Facebook that American prayers and social networking groups have three times the positive impact on third world natural disaster victims than any other white country, and certainly more impact than those of piss poor South Americans (few of whom have ever heard of electricity, nor do they have power outlets in their shantytowns and, thus, they can’t register on Facebook).

If we all pull together and join enough Facebook groups, Chile will persevere!


Posted in Propaganda.

Let’s Eat Cake with Erin (Primer in Polyamory)

Who are you and what’s “Let’s Eat Cake!“?

I’m Erin, and am the author of Let’s Eat Cake!. This started several years ago as my personal blog, which was called “Dissertation of Complacency,” but evolved into a blog about my poly relationship once I saw that people were really responsive to that aspect of my writing. There are so many misconceptions about polyamory, and I wanted to show people that there can be very positive, healthy, successful poly relationships. Let’s Eat Cake! is also an outlet for me to challenge other social “rules” about gender, sexuality and the other “isms.”

The name Let’s Eat Cake! was chosen as a response to the accusation that polyamorous
people “just want to have their cake and eat it, too.” People like to demonize things that challenge their own sense of security, and they use words like “selfish” and “overindulgent.” Polyamory is a bad word in America, but most poly people just want to live in peace with the other consenting adults who are important to them, without being judged as selfish, sex-driven hedonists with no respect for monogamy or the sanctity of marriage. Yes, we have our cake, we eat it, and sometimes go back for seconds. But we won’t eat your cake unless you offer it.

What does polyamory mean to you?

To me, polyamory is about being open to all possibilities in your relationships. It
is about ultimate honesty, not just in words and actions, but honesty with yourself
and your true desires, as well. For example, my partner and I are in a loving
relationship, yet we can admit that other people are attractive (physically or
emotionally). Instead of struggling against those desires, we choose to be honest
with each other about them. Each relationship you experience with someone is
unique, and makes you a more complete person; to deny ourselves or each other that
opportunity feels limiting. So many relationships end because of cheating, and we
don’t feel you have to lose an amazing person to explore those opportunities.

Do you think polyamory is innate or a choice?

There is so much debate over this, but I personally feel it is a choice. There are
examples of mammals who live in monogamous partnerships, and those who live in
polyamorous relationships. There are even groups of animals who practice monogamy,
but indulge in infidelity. Our current society (and the ancestral past we’ve
learned from) is a monogamous one. Even with my real desire to live a poly
lifestyle, I am constantly fighting the monogamist I’ve been “trained” to be.
Everything we do, from the TV shows we watch to the way we were raised tells us that
there is “one true love” for everyone, and that we have ownership rights to our
partners. That’s a tough thought process to unlearn.

How did you “discover” polyamory?

I can’t think of the first time I heard the word “polyamorous.” Because I’m
bisexual, it always made sense to me to be open to couples (and we all know there
are a lot of couples open to single, bi women), and I think the natural progression
of those types of relationships lead me to a “poly lifestyle.”

I also noticed that whenever I was “between relationships,” I’d date a few people at
a time, and I always felt that my love life/sex life was most fulfilling during
those times. I heard someone say once, “It’s important to find a man who’ll bring
me flowers. It’s important to find a man to have great sex with. It’s important to
find a man who listens. It’s important that these three men never meet.” It’s
meant as a joke, and obviously isn’t inline with polyamory (being honest with all
partners), but it has a good moral: No one should be expected to be your everything
- it’s unrealistic and unfair to your partner. In polyamory, you are able to truly
appreciate each person in your life for the attributes you relate to, without
comparing them to what your “perfect” mate would be.

What are some typical reactions you receive from those outside the polyamory
community when they hear about your lifestyle?

Most people are extremely curious, and have a ton of questions, which range from
logistics, “What are your rules?” to confused, “Do you actually LIKE your partner?”

A lot of people support the idea as a philosophy, but usually have double standards
(and admit it). They say, “I could do that, but I couldn’t handle my partner doing
it. I’m way too jealous.”

Every once in a while we get negative reactions like, “Don’t you want a real
girlfriend? If you really loved each other, you wouldn’t sleep with other people.”
People can actual get angry about it, as though it shakes the very foundation of
their ideals. They can’t grasp it, therefore they demean it.

A lot of people don’t believe us. I’ve literally had to go up to girls and tell them,
“I am really ok with this, I promise.”

Another thing that fascinates me is how willing people are to get involved with one
of us if they think we’re cheating, but as soon as they find out it’s all out in the
open, suddenly our relationship is “fucked up.”

Could you share some of the difficulties involved in polyamourous relationships that
are unique to polyamory?

This will be different for every poly relationship, but the difficulties we
encounter usually boil down to timing issues, and plain old jealousy. Take two busy
people with jobs, friends, kids, etc., then add two or three (or more) people into
the mix. When do you have time to date? When do you have time for each other? You
have to prioritize your relationship differently when more people are involved. It’s
important to remember to have date nights with your partner, too.

Regarding jealousy, I believe it’s a healthy, natural response. How you react to
your jealousy is where it counts. I do not believe jealousy always stems from
insecurity or low self-esteem (which is another point people like to debate). It
can be a matter of fighting off what we’ve been taught about what a committed
partner is supposed to look like. Sometimes we feel jealousy because we think we’re
supposed to.

What advice do you have for those wanting to explore polyamory?

Check in with yourself, first. Do you think you can be completely honest with your
partners, or at least try really, really hard? It’s one thing to be able to handle
thoughts of your partner being with someone else, but it’s almost harder to TELL
your partner when you do something. In many ways we are taught to lie to our
partners – it feels more natural. “No, I wasn’t looking at that girl, honey,” or
“He does NOT want to sleep with me, we’re just friends.” These are the little lies
people tell to save the day, to avoid the fight, to maintain the game, and it’s
counter-intuitive to tell the absolute truth – but successful poly relationships are
built on that truth, and will not work without it.

Be flexible. Relationships change, and poly relationships seems to go through
constant metamorphosis (perhaps from the influence of other personalities). You may
go into polyamory with rules, for yourself or with your partner(s), and six months
later you may look back and realize everything is different than you’d planned.
This is usually a good thing, because it means you’ve grown.

Communicate. Polyamorous relationships can be highly emotional. When people’s
hearts are involved, they are vulnerable, and emotions can run wild and need to be
sorted out. That’s where communication will be key.

Be nice. This comes from personal experience of over-reacting to situations that
scared me, later to find that it either wasn’t what I thought, or was nowhere near
as scary as I expected. Remember that we are human, we are going to make mistakes,
and the goal is to maximize love, not beat it senseless.

Who’d you rather and why?:

1. Ed Norton or Brad Pitt? It’s really a toss up. I have plenty of room for the
macho, american dreamboat, and the guy with the “great personality.” Can I have
both?

2. Barack Obama or Michael Steele? Sarah Palin. With a ball gag.

3. Steve Buscemi or Jeff Bridges? I think Steve Buscemi fits into the “not if you
were the last man on earth” category.

Read more about Erin and her thoughts @ LetsEatCake today!

Posted in Interviews.