White people.

First things first. We at Lib Porn believe that Black History Month is an academic consolation prize for an entire group of people, tantamount to a bitch slap of smiley racism along the lines of, “Okay you guys have been fucked in America for years, so here’s a month of black history to shut you niggers up.” Except so many aspects of Black History Month reek of the foul aroma of the white power structure’s system. Black History Month is all Rosa Parks and MLK, very little Nat Turner and Huey P. Newton, which limits the centuries-long civil rights movement among blacks to the sort of fight for social change that white people are comfortable with. Ya know, nonviolent protests and calls for unity. But sometimes, to get some shit done in the face of injustice, oppressed people had to curse or get angry, and when black people curse or get angry white America gets all shook up. Basically, what we learn about black history in February is equivalent to a neutered black panther.

Yet even this racist academic token breeds resentment among white people too stupid to understand that yes, institutional racism is alive and well in our country. After preparing myself by popping several Quaaludes chased with a vodka and orange juice, I jumped headlong into Facebook groups who concern themselves with the issue of why there should totally be a White History Month.

"Damn niggras with their niggra hi'stry munth!"

The first group I found, which for some reason bore the visage of Sean Connery as a profile pic, was a lesson in racism, ignorance, and the absolute gayness of many white people. In the description field, the administrator of this group humbly states, “This is not a group supporting racism or anything along those lines. We just believe that if one race gets a month why don’t we have the same rights. We are not a racist group! Join but do not pick fights or try to insult.” Clearly, the admin doesn’t fancy him or herself as racist. The admin certainly hasn’t visited any Klan rallies, nor does he or she seem likely to lynch anyone. Yet this simple group description, which sounds somewhat naïve and innocent initially, reflects the attitude of the severe lack of self awareness among otherwise decent white people.

American blacks are, whether everyday white people like it or not, at a peculiar disadvantage. Yes, we realize that other groups have their own disadvantages, but black Americans have been demonized as persons to be feared. For example, for about a month Glenn Beck had everyone in middle America fearing that Van Jones and his marxist Black Panther buddies were about to explode Bettsy Ross. The Obama presidency has sent more hillbillies running to underground militia groups than any president in history. And let’s not forget the simple everyday fear of black men and the welfare queen stereotype aimed almost exclusively at black women. Also, it isn’t like black families from back in the day (back in the day being a pleasant euphemism for America’s slave-owning days) always had a chance to inform their children of their home countries in Africa; black Americans can’t trace their national heritage to individual countries as often as white people can. That’s why white people are German, Irish, or Norwegian, while blacks are just Africans. (To be fair, we understand that many young white Facebook users aren’t aware that Africa is a continent.) This lack of heritage beyond the breakup of an ancestor’s family at the hands of some toothless Confederate slave peddler separates the cultural identity of blacks from, say, Puerto Ricans or those darn no good Irishmen.

Dirty bastards.

All this, however, matters very little to those who are very stupid. Users who’ve joined the White History Month (who apparently enjoy Sean Connery’s handsome features a little too much) plaster the group’s page with innumerable comments referencing the disgustingly obvious racism forced upon the white community, which we assume really pisses them off. One user, whose comment received the Facebook equivalent to a standing ovation, said in response to a poster who said white history dominates text books, that “Text books teach about history as a WHOLE, not white history specifically.” This is like getting punched in the face then saying, “Well he punched my FACE, not my nose specifically.” The historical texts of the white power structure (and there is a white power structure, and no, poor and working class whites — some of whom are doubtlessly champions of a white history month — aren’t really part of it) center on the doings of powerful caucasians and caucasian nations. African involvement in these histories is relegated to that of a whipping boy of the Euro-powers. There is little to no mentioning of African civilization, that occurred way before any such societies in Europe, we might add, nor the devastation brought upon the dark continent, not to mention South America, by white colonialism. Sure, you’ll hear that the Spaniards did this or the British did that, but how many history teachers flat out tell us, “White Europeans, followed by white Americans, totally fucked up the lives of countless brown and black nations”? This, dear friends, is called revisionist history. Or flat-out-lying history, if you want to be blunt.

To be fair, there was another user who created a group called White History Month? (the question mark is not a typo), which was actually a formed by smart people who believed that the retards calling for a month glorifying white history were, for lack of a better term, totally retarded. This group (who lacks a photo or any mention whatsoever of Sean Connery) was, however, soon overtaken by young white idiocy. The admin’s calls for civility in poster discussion, and the original intentions of the group, were drowned out by countless racist one-liners and dubious evidence of the rampant prejudice against the oppressed white peoples of America.

Oppressed like a motherfucker.

All of this is very asshole-ish and, I’m sorry to say, unsettling. The internet is like a nude beach where people wear bags over their head; you can let it all hang out in the open, but you’re still relatively anonymous. That anonymity allows the wacky people of the internets to spew their disgusting bigoted beliefs. But Facebook isn’t anonymous. The person saying that disgusting shit is right there, in their profile picture, and might even provide a phone number or AIM screen name. So it isn’t like these idiots are just barking up the racist tree for kicks. They’re either too stupid to understand the not-so-subtle aspects of revisionist Eurocentric history…or they really are just bigoted assholes.

Links for white history month groups:

Here and here.

Apparently, courts are for commies who hate America.

Ann Coulter is basically a cartoon character, along the same lines as Rush Limbaugh, just an ugly attention whore who often tries to one-up herself in regards to the disgusting shit she says any time someone gives her a chance to speak her misbegotten mind. Sort of like Wile E. Coyote, whose ridiculous attempts to catch the Road Runner got more ridiculous with every try (the road runner, in this comparison, would most likely be common sense, logic, or intelligence). Normally, sane individuals don’t pay attention to Coulter for this very reason. But now and then, the notoriously unpleasant cunt bubble blurts something that the New Right (Tea Baggers, Beck groupies, racists posing as “anti-socialists”) applauds. And that’s scary because the New Right, so unlike the current left, actually seems capable of getting some shit done.

Yesterday, the leathery fascist posted a commentary that denounced lawyers who take on “unpopular” clients. This backward outburst from Coulter stemmed from, as she put it, a few “conservative lawyers” who denounced Liz Cheney after she demanded the names of Justice Department attorneys who formerly represented Guantanamo detainees. In other words, the soulless conservative lawyers were absolutely right in calling Liz Cheney an idiot, citing American lawyers’ oft-forgotten tradition of defending clients that the mainstream would rather see beaten to death with American flag poles.

We’d tell you more about the beef between said conservative lawyers and Liz Cheney, but that isn’t our point. Our point is that Coulter goes on for two pages smugly dissing the vampiric bastard lawyers who spring to defend “unpopular” clients who, we admit, usually do so for attention and, eventually, cash. Coulter reinforces her public image as a vociferous fascist dicksuck by using snarky, beloved-by-Tea-Bagger rhetoric to demean the most important part of our nation: our courts.

To Coulter and those who share her outlook, those who aren’t ‘real’ Americans or, worse, not American, don’t deserve a fair trial. Hell, from the sound of it, Coulter doesn’t think they deserve a trial at all, as if the detainees at Guantanamo weren’t even human. This wouldn’t be so sickening if many of the Guantanamo detainees weren’t, ya know, just regular dudes who were jailed on a whim.

Basically, Coulter and her ideologically fascist dickhole pals seem to hold the highest ideals of the American experiment in contempt. If you ask them for justification for the war in Iraq, they’ll say, “Well we didn’t find WMDs, but we’re bringing democracy to those backward camel herders.” Yet when it comes to the pillar of democracy, a fair legal system (or at least as fair as the American legal system is right now), these fuckers like Coulter prefer a more draconian approach. And we have to ask, if we decide to deny the barest of civility to dudes who we may have locked up accidentally, how long will it take for this fuck-the-courts mentality to trickle down to American citizens just because the defendant is “unpopular”?

America can be sexy as hell. We’re a nation that promises cash, Ipods, Xboxes, and big tits. But these trinkets don’t make America America. In a world of retards, America has, to many ends, acted less retarded than many other nations. Hopefully we can keep it up, because as awesome as money and big tits are (especially when they’re packaged together), Americans should stand for much more than that.

If only this broad was a judge...

Pope B-Dog let the alpine play. He was pumping new shit from NWA.

Pope Benny, after suffering monumental embarrassment when one of his homies was caught trying to bang dude hookers with help from a man-child choir boy, has totally shown the world that he, nor his higher-up niggaz in the Vatican, actually give a crap about that stuff Jesus said about being cool to people. Because when push comes to shove and the institution that is the Catholic church walks the line between staying super duperly popular or actually embodying the basic tenants of Christ’s teachings, those motherfuckers would rather save face.

For instance, the Ugandan Parliament is attempting legislation that would toss homosexuals in jail or, if that’s not harsh enough, just kill the homos straight up. (Side Note: There would probably be a huge public outcry against this proposed bill if it were, let’s say, happening in Germany. But there are very few white people in Uganda; turns out Uganda is mostly full of Ugandans, so only wacky left-wing communists and George Clooney will give a fuck.)

Of course, Pope B-Dog didn’t mention the bill while addressing Ugandan Catholics. This is because the Catholic church in Uganda is competing with Christian fundamentalists and Muslims. The fundies and Muslims are, hilariously, not content with just imprisoning or killing gays; presumably, they would rather build a time machine and go back in time to kill the first homo, thus annihilating the ‘gay threat’ at the beginning.

Like this, but with dead fags and Ugandans.

The Catholics, fundies, and Muslims are fighting over believers, sort of like corporations battling for customers, although fuck the “sort of like” big business, because that’s exactly what’s happening here. And Pope B-Dog and the Ugandan bishops, instead of standing up for the principles laid out by Jesus, would rather play it safe and, at least, retain a neutral stance on the Homo Killer bill to placate the fiery hatred of gays held by Ugandan religious retards so said religious retards don’t go Islamic or pentecostal fundie.

This is akin to having two Nazi parties, one which is somewhat ‘progressive’ (in the absolute loosest sense of the term) and would rather just kill Jews as opposed to the super Hitler supporters who want to strap Polish Heebies to a rocket and send them crashing into the sun. (Another Side Note: Yes, we totally just took a cheap shot at Pope B-Dog with the Nazi reference. We’re aware and no, we don’t give a fuck.)

There it is, dear readers. This is what happens when so-called benevolent institutions must choose between sticking to their principles or, like any big business, fretting over their bottom line.

Pope B-Dog on recent criticism: "If they hate then let 'em hate and watch the money pile up."

Vatican Ushers: Fantabulous.

We should all feel very bad for Angelo Balducci, an usher – not a priest – at the Vatican. Balducci was totally ‘busted’ for attempting to procure gay prostitutes from a Vatican choir boy, who happens to be 29 years old, which made me wonder what kind of guy who’s a cunt hair away from 30 becomes a choir boy, but that’s another article entirely. To be fair, Balducci is married man and, given his penchant for cheating on his wife with dudes, we can safely say that Balducci is a bastard. Balducci, however, isn’t really the issue here.

The media (in particular, the AOL News homepage, where I stole this story) has labeled this event a ‘Vatican Sex Scandal’. It will doubtlessly send shockwaves through Catholicism. For the love of God, Balducci was in the Pope’s inner circle! Although, one has to wonder why an usher is considered part of the Pope’s inner circle. Don’t ushers just kind of stand there?

Well, not this Usher.

Of course, his Holiness – wrinkled douche that he is – promptly fired Balducci and expelled him from the Vatican. This is odd when you consider that Balducci was just an usher who was trying to get laid…by adult prostitutes. It turns out that the sweep-this-shit-under-the-rug approach that the Catholic church employs so often whenever a priest fucks a child doesn’t apply to a loyal member of Pope Benedict’s inner circle who committed the heinous crime of getting his noodle wet with another consenting adult. And though the media is framing this story as an embarrassment for the Vatican, Lib Porn contends that Pope Benny and the higher-ups in the Catholic church are absolutely digging this development.

Why shouldn’t they? Benny and Co. have just shown the world that they won’t tolerate sexual goings on in their house. Not even for a moment, motherfuckers! Being gay is a goddamn sin and they tossed that homo quicker than you can say “Spirito Santi”. Big ups to the bishops, cardinals, and the rest of ya’ll, Big Daddy Benedict, gettin’ shit DONE.

"Woke up quick at about noon, just thought I had to be in Compton soon."

Except these rat fuckers that run the Catholic church are a bunch of scumbags. Sure, we can understand their reactionary social views, since they are, after all, religious people. The sexism? Well, Catholicism is pretty old and feminism isn’t relatively new, so I guess we can understand that, too. As for the Holocaust-ignoring bastards in the Vatican back in the ’40s, perhaps we can chalk that up to a fear of getting Luftwaffe-tized. But for years the victims of horny priests have been silence by an institution that, despite any pious facade, is just as corrupt as any other profit-seeking entity that cares more about public appearance than the well being of their rank and file. The rank and file in this case being altar boys, students, and any poor Catholic kid unlucky enough to be cornered by a sick old man wearing a collar.

Forget about Angelo Balducci. The Vatican and, to a lesser degree, Italian law enforcement will probably nail this guy to a wall in an effort to show the world how seriously the Vatican is about criminal activity (in this case, trying to pick up a few gay hookers). Yet this is a load of shit. If the Vatican was that serious, they would stop protecting the various pedophile scumbags within their organization who give everyday priests, who we believe are generally good men, a bad name.