Terrorize this.

P.J. O’Rourke — “Seriousness is just stupidity sent to college.”

…or, in Bossier Parish, Louisiana, sent to a paramilitary training school run by (and we’re not making this up) the former president of an organization of police officers called (get ready for it) Cops for Christ. Bossier town sheriff Larry Deen has started Operation Exodus, a militia-like program to train ordinary townsfolk to totally fuck up Osama bin Laden, assuming bin Laden visits Bossier.

As opposed to cops who aren't for Christ.

Sheriff Deen and the 200 volunteers for Operation Exodus are, obviously, terrified of terrorists. Unlike we wine sipping east coasters, who no doubt want all agents of terror to be pampered and hugged as we tell them how much we value their religious and cultural views, the Operation Exodus bad asses are ready to kill some motherfuckers. But one has to ponder the probability of a swarm of bug-eyed, Quran-clutching Islamic militants descending upon the God-fearing folk of Bossier Parish. Well, we at Lib Porn didn’t have to ponder for very long. We will use our super mind powers to predict that there is never, ever going to be a terrorist attack in Bossier Parish.

Osama's next target?

A super duperly retarded mixture of religious wackjobbery and unrelenting small town conservative fear of terrorist attacks makes stupid men do stupid things, like joining a paramilitary organization to defend a town with a population of just over 100,000 people. We don’t mean to disappoint Sheriff Dean or his bad ass paramilitary forces, but we can safely say that there will be no holy wars, nor any wars against freedom or even wars against those with southern accents (that war happened already), in Bossier Parish. Members of Operation Exodus have, sadly, watched too much Glenn Beck and too many movies. The only time a small town of wholesome Christian Americans has been overtaken by evil foreigners was in Red Dawn and those evil foreigners were godless Cuban and Russian communists, not the various Muhammad Mafiosi planning on killing infidels.

Furthermore, terrorists spend a lot of time and money planning their attacks. One has to believe that any man willing to totally explode himself will try to find a good target. Well, dear readers, go to Google Maps and locate Bossier Parish. Not only is Bossier Parish practically devoid of all signs of civilization, although you may see a few mega-churches or even shooting locations for True Blood, both of which would send even the most crazed terrorist running in fear. No, a batshit insane religious nut who is going to train and plan for the most awe inspiring attack on western civilization is most likely going to target a city. Sheriff Dean and other small town conservative dickholes don’t seem to understand that nobody wants to blow up their fucking town. American citizens most at risk for being terroristed to death are the supposed liberal softies in the big coastal cities.

Sheriff Dean and those cut from the same mold continue to show us sane folk what religion, fear, and, most dangerously, boredom can to do otherwise decent people. In short, they become way too serious. Sheriff Dean was so serious about his town’s non-existent terrorists that Bossier Parish will now have 200 armed men ready to spring into action should anyone with a turban or camel wander into the town limits. Or maybe just an Arab who, for whatever, reason, decided to torture himself by traveling to Bossier only to discover that a couple of militant, armed rednecks are following him. Because Arabs are likely to have exploding planes in their pocket, or some shit.

She may look adorable, but Sheriff Dean assures us that she'll kill you three times before you hit the ground.

We suggest that any pissy pants, bed-wetting, small town conservative suffering from paranoia come back to earth. Grab a beer and take it easy. Skip the mega-church sermons tomorrow morning and bone your old lady. After you’re sufficiently relaxed, take a walk around your neighborhood (without a gun, nightstick, or terrorist repellent pepper spray). Now really, aside from the closet KKK members and meth-addicted moonshiners huddling in the woods, do you see anyone that poses as a threat to your way of life?

Actually, you just might. Men like Sheriff Dean who want to form barely-trained posses to fight phantom terrorists trying to burn down their town’s church are doing just what the real terrorists want. The douchebags who airplaned the shit out of us on 9/11 wanted to disrupt our way of life, get our attention, and, essentially, scare us to death. That’s what terrorism is all about. It isn’t about sending waves of foreign soldiers over our borders to topple our country, it’s about forcing everyday civilians like Sheriff Dean to shake in their cowboy boots.

Side Note: Operation Exodus seems to have no requirements for their rank-and-file. We’re not talking about ex-military men with training. We’re talking about these guys (actual photo of Operation Exodus training):

The elite warriors of Operation Exodus.

Fat old rednecks armed with .50 caliber guns patrolling a small southern town for terrorists?

“(Islamic terrorists) have been in and out,” a spokesman for Deen says. “A lot of our intelligence information has come in conjunction with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies.” When asked about this ‘intelligence’, the FBI Louisiana field office said they ‘would look into it’, which is sort of like when you ask a girl on a date and she says, “Yeah um…maybe.” The spokesman then went on to admit that they had little-to-no evidence of an imminent threat. This threat, Deen’s spokesman says, “came from tidbits”…at a time, we must add, that small town folk are more paranoid than ever. Given the fearful attitude of small town America in the Obama era, this is equivalent of thinking that the Ayatollah is hiding under your bed when Jimmy Carter was elected.

Christ. At least the Minutemen on the border are hunting people who actually exist.

We, the United States, spend 700 billion dollars a year to fight the Soviet Union. This is a very curious statistic, since the Soviet Union has been gone for almost twenty years now, and we and the Soviets haven’t overtly threatened each other with mutually assured destruction for even longer. But the Soviets are gone, now replaced with the haphazardly capitalist Russians and their shirtless, horseback-riding poster boy.

That 700 billion funds a Cold War-era American war machine that isn’t as good at killing terrorists as it would be at killing Chinese soldiers (who are the spiritual successors to the super scary Russians). Except that we’re not at war with China and probably won’t be, because despite all the fearful rabble rousing about the Red Menace, China’s capitalist as hell these days. If history has taught us one thing about capitalism, it’s that powerful nations with free markets don’t kill each other…they kill less powerful nations with no free markets. And those less powerful nations are the ones with all the nutjob terrorist assholes.

America needs to reorganize its defense budget. Big fucking tanks and ICBMs are certainly impressive weapons, but we have a bunch of those already. And let’s not forget that the so-called War on Terror, also known as the War on Dudes Riding Camels, largely takes place in urban environments among people whose house we’re totally trying not to crush into rubble, which is practically all tanks and ICBMs are good at.

Winning hearts and minds...by blowing them to bits.

Terrorist organizations are basically organized crime gangs in that they’re loosely affiliated group of criminals. Hell, major terrorist groups are usually funded by traditional mob-like ventures anyway, like gun-running. So America is basically fighting a war against John Gotti in a turban. We have to ask: Did the FBI catch Gotti by using ICBMs and tanks? True, Gotti didn’t send suicide bombers onto planes with dick-exploding underpants bombs. Then again, Osama bin Laden never took charge of a criminal organization that controlled the bulk of crime in a large New York City borough, now did he?

If America was a person, it would be an overweight, sweaty, paranoid survivalist living in a backwoods bomb shelter in Montana counting his ammo while waiting for Red Dawn to happen. Well Red Dawn isn’t happening. As mentioned earlier, you don’t need a high-ranking position in the CIA to understand that powerful nations with free markets don’t fight each other too often these days. And please, let’s forget the socialist fear frenzy of the Tea Baggers; the weak tea socialism of first world nations is more likely to raise the standard of living for the rank-and-file (the working class and poor) who, with decent standards, are less likely to get all pissed off at the capitalist machine destroying Mother Russia (or Mother China, or Mother Venezuela). Simply, it’s difficult to rally a population into a wild frenzy of murderous Maoism when the factory workers have health benefits and poor people get to use the internet once in a while. But even the peace between world powers won’t placate the paranoia of fat, Montana Militia-loving America, who’s still dry humping a Minuteman III missile and expecting a Red Menace to crash over our borders at any minute.

Red China's frozen death nipples.

Then again, even if America dropped its paranoia and figured “Hey, maybe we can combat terror groups more effectively with good intelligence and law enforcement efforts than we can with hydrogen bombs”, the arms industry would get a severe case of dick limpness. People make a lot of fuckin’ money off of stealth bombers, tanks, and other goods that employ varying degrees of explodiness. Sure, reorganizing our efforts in fighting the War on Dudes Riding Camels might make sense, but unfortunately it adversely effects the bottom lines of a handful of super rich douchebags.

We can only hope that the American people realize that our defense budget, among other facets of our government and society, is archaic, overpriced, and ineffective. Americans are, after all, a citizenry known for their common sense, right?

Ugh. Never mind.

Heh...fag.

Grab your issue of Men’s Health (it’s probably underneath one of your three 50 lb dumbbells or, possibly, in the brown paper bag where you stash your steroid needles) and look at that sexy motherfucker on the cover. Yeah, that guy, the one who does sit-ups until he farts out his own anus. I’m 100 percent certain that 85 percent of you have less than one-tenth of a chance of ever looking like that douche.

Every moment, the super duper American advertising machine throttles normal women and shoves the “ideal” female form down their throats, as if a normal broad has a shot of comparing to the half-starved, air-brushed skanks society has deemed sexiest. Well guys catch some of this shit, too. While not as bad as the unattainable image thrown at women, the ideal image for a man is much more dangerous, as that image may lead thousands of men to be smushed by a barbell. Or, at the very least, spend large chunks of their lives wondering what sort of low-fat beef paddy has the greatest protein value.

With enough protein and hard work, you...well, you'll probably still be fat.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being healthy. Being healthy is good, obviously. Nobody, not even those of us who indulge in more vices than we can count, wants to find themselves an alcoholic chain smoker with a stroke under their belt and a limp dick at age 35. But the rampant fitness craze, which is growing more prominent with every supermarket shelf dedicated to protein shakes, protein bars, and, eventually, protein depositories. Depositories that go up your anus. Clearly, this craze isn’t about health, it’s about appearance. And shit, we can’t find anything wrong with a guy who wants to look good naked…until that shit becomes an obsession.

Intelligent people are well-versed in the forgotten art of moderation. Yeah, moderation includes not stuffing yourself full of Pop Tarts every morning, yet it also includes a healthy moderation of your non-eating habits. For instance, a muscle head fitness freak who spends two hours at the gym each morning then dodders about the supermarket in search of whatever obscure vegetable Men’s Health told him to eat this month isn’t really living his life; he’s just boring himself stupid. Eating right to the point of compulsion and lifting heavy shit over your head might keep you in good shape, but we have to ask: When are you going to relax and enjoy yourself?

Men who spend insane amounts of time judging their bodies in front of a mirror suffer from the same self image and, consequently, inadequacy issues as women. In other words, you’re stressing yourself because you don’t look like the aforementioned sexy motherfucker on the cover of Men’s Health (and that guy’s probably just as air-brushed as the broad on the cover of Cosmo). And the part that makes this obsession ridiculous is that you don’t have to look like that guy in order to be content with yourself.

Guilty-tripping yourself because you gobbled down too many cheeseburgers after a long night at the bar isn’t healthy, even if you cure your hangover with two gallons of protein drinks and 45 minutes on the treadmill. Forcing yourself to diet and thus stressing yourself every night you sit down for dinner isn’t the way humans were meant to exist. Meanwhile, throwing your hard-earned cash into the pocket of a sniveling corporate dicksuck for an energy supplement that will most likely atomize your liver in ten years isn’t such a good idea either.

Chip's energy supplement.

The fitness craze among men is just another symptom of our sick consumer culture. We, the worker bees, are sold an image that few of us could hope to mirror. We’re told that if we pump enough iron and throw down just a few thousand dollars for wacky health food and energy shots, we too could become MMA fighters. Except that we won’t. And while we’re working on that unattainable goal, we forget that we’re usually fine the way we are.

Plus, cheeseburgers and beer are a lot better than sit-ups. A lot better.

Were you expecting a pic of a cheeseburger? Well, so were we.