"Damn baby, you're so unique and fun!"

Every so often in your journey along the path of getting some booty, you’ll encounter a true mystery of nature. This mystery is embodied by an insanely attractive woman who, for one reason or another, has a personality that is as pleasant as anal sex with a jagged rock (during which you’re receiving, naturally). Given the strict rules of male retardation while courting women, this chick doesn’t realize that she is a monumentally boring and rude bitch.

I’m not talking about goal-driven, Type A women that will slit your throat over a minor misunderstanding at the office. Those broads are the Gordon Geckos of the vagina-having gender and the murderously efficient spirit of free market culture is to blame for their cuntastically unpleasant traits. In other words, dudes are like that, too. Nor are these women intellectually superior females who could, presumably, club you to death with their SAT scores. The idea of an attractive-yet-rude female isn’t a cop out for insecure sexists, although the subject’s personality may have been cultivated by such assholes.

Pictured: National standard for female douchebaggery.

No, these chicks are just as socially awkward as a sheltered WoW enthusiast. Except the broad isn’t sheltered at all; most of the time, these women are found crawling on all fours in the bar’s bathroom and, more often than not, reek of fresh vomit. They pound more shots than you do, have a propensity to guzzle leftover beer puddles in ashtrays, and are as loud as the fattest, drunkest football fan you know. In short, they’re assholes. But they’re assholes who every guy in the bar really wants to bang and, therefore, every guy makes an effort to flatter these chicks.

This is why girls who possess little-to-no admirable traits (other than their knockers) come to believe they’re super witty, funny, creative, and intelligent. When they vomit blood after their fifteenth shot of lighter fluid, the clamoring mass of swinging dicks who crowd such women jockey for position so they can tell these asshole chicks how awesome they are. For example:

Guy: “You just puked on my shoes!”

Asshole Chick: *Vomit*

Guy: “You’re so awesome!”

I refuse to label these women, who are generally promiscuous, skanks, smuts, or any other derogatory shit reserved for women who like to get laid. (Fuck double standards.) However, men have an extraordinarily stunning ability to sniff out sexually active women, especially sexually active women who get retardedly drunk. An equally hot female will receive less male attention if she isn’t a moron or, most importantly, about to puke her guts out. Consequently, after all of this attention rooted only in the male crowd’s desire to take off the asshole chick’s pants, the asshole chick will wake up the next morning and say to herself: “Wow, I guess I’m one of those girls who has a lot of guy friends.”

Her "guy friends".

Of course she’ll say that. Although this is unfortunate because the asshole broad might be lying to herself; not all moronic and borderline-alcoholic females are stupid enough to believe that the “guy friends” she’s so proud of aren’t just trying to get in her pants. Also, the asshole chick probably understands that other females don’t like her. These asshole women then fall into the dangerous habit of blaming others for their own unpleasantness; perhaps the assholes will chalk up their lack of true friends to the jealousy of others, because they have such hot asses while all the other girls in high school were “ugly whores” who were super jealous of attractive women. From then on, asshole chicks will value the judgment of men over other females, totally forgetting that the men who are “such good friends” are usually trying to hide their boners whenever the asshole broads are in the room or drinking stale beer from a mop bucket.

Asshole chicks are the fairer sex’s equivalent of the old fashioned male douchebag. The arrogant male, however, is a slight disadvantage in comparison. By our nature, men seek to spread their seed while women seek to find a worthy…um, seed implanter. Men are sellers, women are (sometimes very choosy) buyers. The most attractive male will have a much harder time getting laid when compared to the most attractive female. Therefore, when the most attractive female happens to be an ignorant, rude, and blitheringly idiotic bitch who appears to be a an easy lay, the males will flock to her while a similarly rude douchebag usually gets punched in the face.

Don’t confuse asshole girls with chicks who, usually to males who are easily intimidated sexually, might seem like asshole chicks. Girls who like to party aren’t asshole chicks. Neither are attractive women, sexually open women, or women who dig sports. Furthermore, lots of awesome women have  male friends. But if you walk into a bar or a party and an exceptionally attractive female promptly vomits on your shirt (possibly while pooping herself a little), you just might have an asshole chick on your hands. Keep away, friend. Very far away.

And for the love of god, stop complimenting her.

Everybody loves celebrities, even us bug-eyed, gun-toting survivalists at Lib Porn. How can you not? They go on television and run around doing cool shit. Although you won’t catch us jacking off to TMZ (unless they repost those naked Vanessa Hudgens pictures) while wondering what kind of coffee that chick in that crappy movie drinks, we enjoy watching prettier people than ourselves getting into wacky situations, shootouts, or wacky situations that end in shootouts. But when celebrities have to tell us how to vote and what to believe in, well, they get fucking annoying.

Remember the retarded kid from Gilbert Grape? Well he recently posted a blog on The Huffington Post in which he explains how Ghost Dog, that broad from The Day After Tomorrow, and the Incredible Hulk are taking part in a campaign to get citizens to email their senators about climate change legislation. Oh, Cornel West is in there too, although Mr. West happens to be an academic who knows what he’s talking about, so nobody’s going to pay attention to him.

Pictured: Someone who shouldn't be influencing your views. Also, too stupid to get out of the bathtub.

It would be awesome if more citizens took an active role in what their elected leaders vote on. Such action would be a display of real democracy and, honestly, we at Lib Porn are super tired of Tea Party types proclaiming that climate change is a hoax and melting ice caps are a direct result of underwater communists (and homosexuals) using super water proof blow-dryers. Those people (the Tea Party idiots, not the underwater homo commies) are influenced by pundits, like Hannity, who go on television in front of millions of viewers to say “Science is bullshit” when they lack the necessary knowledge and education to make such a judgment. So, you might ask, what’s the problem with Gilbert Grape’s retarded little brother saying, “Climate change is real?” Fuck man, the chick from The Day After Tomorrow was in that ad, and if anyone knows about the dangers of global warming, it’s her. Because, ya know, she was there when the fucking blizzard blew up America.

Pictured: Climate Change...

...and the man who kicked it's fucking ass.

The problem is the retarded Grape brother and the chick who got her leg cut by an underwater taxicab (not to mention Ghost Dog and the Hulk) aren’t qualified to speak on the subject either. Normally that isn’t a problem. I, for example, complain about everything imaginable on Lib Porn and the only education I have is a three-semester stint at a community college (oh, Liberal Arts degree, how you’ve alluded me). My uncle usually gets drunk on Saturday and tells me how the Jews are running everything…and thank Yahweh that they are, or else movies would reach incomprehensible levels of suckiness which, surprisingly, they haven’t reached already. Now crazy Uncle Witley isn’t qualified to tell anyone about who’s running the world, especially when it comes to Jews, because Uncle Witley still thinks Al Pacino is one of the chosen people.

"I try to get out, but they pull me back...er, I mean, mazel tov.'"

Then again, my crazy Uncle Witley’s opinions don’t reach millions of people…and even if they did, viewers would know that you shouldn’t listen to crazy jackasses who don’t have a clue as to what logical, critical thinking actually is.

Then again...

Being on television doesn’t mean that you know what you’re talking about. Hell, celebrities don’t know anything aside from what information is fed to them; when they actually spout their own opinions, they’re usually cringe-worthy. And this doesn’t apply only to traditional celebrities. Your favorite news pundit is, more than likely, just a celebrity. Pundits don’t report objective findings. They’re views are entirely subjective. They aren’t journalists, they aren’t scholars, they’re barely half-baked crackpot conspiracy theorists who read a lot of Internet 9/11 Truth websites. Olbermann, Hannity, Matthews, and Beck are ugly male versions of Paris Hilton; they’re popular just because they go on television and do retarded shit, usually slightly more retarded than Gilbert Grape’s brother (except when he didn’t get out of the bathtub after Gilbert pimp-smacked him).

Celebrities on soapboxes for leftist issues serve only to fuel the right wing backlash. Nobody gets their news from smart people anymore. Liberals like to watch liberal celebrities make smug jokes about Kansas on Bill Maher’s show, conservatives like to watch conservative celebrities make thinly-veiled proclamations of secession and treason on Fox News, and everyone sits back on their couch in a self-satisfied stupor and goes either to a Tea Party rally or a PETA protest. Meanwhile, our totally super awesome country gets really fucking dumb.

If you’re a conservative who wants to get informed by intelligent conservatives, go here: Cato Institute.

If you’re a liberal who wants to get informed by intelligent liberals, read this: Democracy Matters by Cornel West.

And if you think Al Pacino is a Jew, you should talk to this guy:

Uncle Witley

Sexist stereotyping is a two way street. Consider one night stands, those often vilified sexual encounters that provide one with a whole new perspective on the uses of public bathrooms, and how the prudes among us disapprove of them. Men who engage in one night stands are viewed as sex bandits taking advantage of otherwise puritanical girls who certainly never jam illegal powders up their nose whilst partying at the bar. Women who search for random booty are, insanely, assumed to be skanks with no dignity, who willfully fall victim to the prevalent sexist culture. (Let’s not forget about homosexuals, who, according to mainstream thought, have sloppy 20-person orgies and dry-hump animals in deviant sex-pervert-terrorist-AIDS clubs in San Francisco.) This is really gay, mainly because in all this disapproving madness, one great truth is lost: Casual sex can be totally super awesome.

Well, it can be. Please don’t assume we’re applauding or condoning a “sex without consequences” approach. We’re not. Everyone is aware of STDs and the inherent risks of casual sex, so we’re not going to waste our time on that subject. Instead, let’s talk about how that casual, random sex might be totally awesome for you, but not so totally awesome for the other person(s) involved. For example, fucking in a public bathroom can be fun. However, fooling an emotionally needy person into putting their hand down your pants is a tactic practiced only by the douchebaggiest people. Promising a fragile person that the two of you will have a serious and committed relationship after you lube each other up and reenact the Kama Sutra page-by-page when you have no intention of doing so is an action that, we at Liberating Porn believe, should be balanced out on the karmic spectrum with you, the douchebag, finding yourself in a bathtub in one of the more adventurous neighborhoods in Brazil with one of your kidneys missing.

Little bastard has no idea what's coming to him.

Most of the time, one can spot an emotionally fragile person. We strongly suggest that you don’t engage in casual sex with this person. Not only do you risk stomping on that person’s already trampled psyche, but you also risk your own well being. You might bang an emotionally fragile person by accident; as I’ve spent a lot of time doing drugs and drinking liquor to excess, I can personally attest to this. From time to time, you might wonder how your genitals, for lack of a better phrase, found themselves inside of that Enya fan who bursts into tears every ten minutes and considers any sexual contact to be a spiritual connection that binds the two of you together in some wacky New Age union. Should you explain to this person, post-coitus, that you don’t want any spiritual connections and you’re probably not going to add them as a friend on Facebook, expect to have a few stressful incidents later on. I’m not going to say that you’ll end up as the basis of a Lifetime movie, but…

Before engaging in casual sex with anyone, you should lay down the ground rules. If you’re a commitment-phobic type, let your fuck-buddy know that. Don’t be an ass and lead anyone on. Being blunt is good thing in this situation, which is odd, because when trying to get laid, being blunt is usually considered a bad thing. For instance, when you want to fuck someone, strolling up to said someone and saying, “Hey there, I wanna knock boots,” isn’t such a good idea. We at Liberating Porn find this extremely odd and chalk it up to general human retardation. But when banging a random person, the best way to insulate yourself from any douchebaggery or possible late night visits from obsessed maniacs is to simply state, “This doesn’t mean that we’re a couple.”

Never casually bang anyone whispering to a flower.

Yet this won’t always work. Some people are inclined to believe that sexual contact does indeed create a lifelong bond. Hell, we guess it does. When you see someone on the street that, three months ago, donned a furry suit and whipped you with a power cord, that encounter is sure to unearth some emotions (possibly emotions that lead you to burning your clothes while crying uncontrollably in the bathroom). But the extent of this bond and what it means is up to you and the person(s) involved in the sexual encounter. If the other person misreads your intentions (even after you explain yourself), you should still refrain from any douchebaggery. Don’t be a dick; let your admirer down easy. Continue to explain that you don’t want a serious relationship and, if possible, try to stay on friendly terms. And for the love of God, should you find yourself drunk and horny in the middle of the night, don’t attempt a booty call with this person because that will lead him or her to believe that you really do want a serious relationship. We all find ourselves in this situation at one point or another and, honestly, the writers at Lifetime have to get their ideas somewhere.

Forget the prudes and idiots who equate sexual activity, especially casual sexual activity, with the destruction of the world’s moral fiber. Those types will always believe that casual sex will lead to droves of deviants marauding across small town America with bare genitalia and Planned Parenthood coupons while planning to hurl flaming baby corpses at wholesome mega churches before morphing into a giant porn monster that may or may not have been created by stem cells.

Ignore these people. Casual sex, if conducted with respect and honesty, can truly be the shit. Just remember that while you may see a bone session in the more shadowy areas of your local bar as a fun-filled encounter with few strings attached, your lover-for-the-moment may see the situation differently. It’s your responsibility to state your intentions.

February is a wholly depressing month. It’s cold, bleak, and Valentine’s Day reminds you of how much you’re not getting laid. Although the coming of February thankfully rids us of drunken, sweaty football fans full of cheap beer and hot wings, this horrid month is dominated by racial pandering so awful that, if I was a black man, I’d probably punch a white guy in the face.

Then again, if I was Kimbo Slice, I'd punch EVERYBODY in the face.

Black History Month reminds us that black people are totally important to the American narrative, but not so important that their role in US history can be woven into our history books without special treatment. We get to hear about Martin Luther King and old ladies causing various ruckuses on public transportation systems, but in kissing Afro-American ass throughout the month, the white power structure allows itself to give even more reach-arounds to slave owning capitalists that, despite having a lot of good ideas about freedom and whatnot, really seemed to enjoy killing Indians, whipping blacks, and laughing at Irish people. Although the Irish may have deserved it.

Motherfuckers.

There’s a hidden chunk of American history that we rarely read about. And that’s understandable, because your average history teacher won’t tell you about it. The role of the oppressed, the working-class, and the poor is largely ignored by the white power structure because if everyone learned about how their great-grandfathers were clunked on the head while trying to unionize, well, there might not be a white power structure. Voices of revolution and dissent throughout history are silenced, especially the dissenting voices of black America. Black History Month is a tool of the white power structure that helps keep these revolutionary ideas about race, equality, and social status on the back burner. Or, more accurately, in the basement right next to the Native American genocide and the Ludlow Massacre.

By pandering to the racial sensitivities of totally pissed off black people for one shitty month (couldn’t they at least pick May or June to trivialize black history?), our leaders and owners get to ignore not only the true impact of black American history, but the history of the angry Americans who, in the words of America’s greatest philosopher, were fucked by a red, white, and blue dick.

After all, a great symptom of a politically sick society is the ownership class’s love of pitting the have-nots against each other. For instance, the white working-class gets really angry about Affirmative Action, which benefits blacks, among others. With that, we have a division among the have-nots, even though blue collar whites have more in common with blue collar blacks than they do with the money-out-the-asshole conservative jerkoffs who vilify almost any attempt at progressive change. Might this hostile outlook change if working-class white people learned that black citizens were also fucked in the ass when America’s manufacturing sector suddenly vanished? Or if they learned that the Attica Prison Riots saw whites, Latinos, and blacks come together to demand half-decent living conditions?

“Shut up commie!” says the rich guy who can buy and sell our sorry asses.

Of course, we at Lib Porn don’t advocate a big, pink, fluffy liberal ideal of hug-a-black-man. That type of thinking is condescending and, at its core, detrimental to racial equality as a whole. However, imagine the current instability and financial WTFs of the poor and working-class and how all of that could change we realized we have a lot more in common with each other than we do with most of our (divisive, greedy, and retarded) political leaders. We peons could vote our way into racial and economic equality that America promises. You know, all that life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness stuff we’re always hearing about, except without the institutional racism and economic stratification (both of which usually end with you being out of a job or, if you’re lucky, watching the history of your people get limited to the cruddiest month of the year).

Pictured: February

No, black history isn’t a detriment to race relations. The history of black Americans, plus all the other people in America who have been silenced or ignored, should be jammed into our mainstream history books. However, Black History Month is bullshit. How can a certain segment of history be on par with the others if we limit it, or spend a month highlighting it while we ignore it the rest of the year? This is just another symptom of the Great American Race Problem. If you don’t think so, walk into a blue-collar bar in Philly and ask the first white guy you see about how he feels about Black History Month. He’s likely to dismiss it, possibly with a few unkind words, even though the plight of blacks mirrors the plight of that white guy’s great-grandpop, who was one of those old-timers that were clunked on the head at a union rally back in 1920.

At the very least, we should move Black History Month to the springtime. February fucking sucks. It almost sucks as much as our elite sucking up to black America while stabbing them in the back.

God bless Google Images.

Devout Christians don't approve of this photo. This is the main reason we're not devout Christians.

“A conservative may tell you that you shouldn’t make fun of cripples. A liberal will tell you, ‘You can’t make fun of cripples’.” — P.J. O’Rourke (paraphrased)

After reading over that quote from Mr. O’Rourke, who happens to be one of three funny conservatives on the planet, I found myself wishing that conservatives still adhered to that idea. They don’t, not anymore. Mind you, I’m not a conservative; I guess I’m a liberal, albeit a liberal who hates other liberals. Political correctness makes us sick. It’s backward, un-American censorship that pussifies our country with nancy-pants, passive-aggressive, thinly-veiled totalitarian speech control that, we at Lib Porn believe, contradicts the most badass Amendment in the Constitution.

Liberal censorship comes in the form of multicultural wishful thinking that totally pretends that Americans don’t harbor racism and, consequently, nobody can make a joke about minorities unless, of course, the insulter is a minority himself, which is pretty retarded. Furthermore, politically correct liberal censorship won’t do a damn thing to cure top-priority racial problems, like institutional racism and economic inequality. Because, really, if minorities were as prosperous as white people, racism would be a non-issue. Nobody would care, especially minorities, at least not the rich ones. And as everyone knows, the only people who really matter in America are rich people. Yes, we also think that racism in speech is totally stupid, but a white guy who makes a disgusting and stupid joke about a black man shouldn’t lose his job (and vice versa) if no real harm is done. Also, remember that sometimes good people can make mistakes, especially when they’re trying to be funny, or in Mel Gibson’s case, totally plastered.

As annoying as liberal political correctness is, it has been absolutely beaten out by conservative censorship. The FCC, Morality In Media, and Focus On The Family try their very hardest to make sure nobody makes fart jokes that include Jesus or sneeze in the general direction of a nearby American flag. Normally, we at Lib Porn wouldn’t care so much, but we are very fond of big boobs, and the conservative wackjobs are once again attacking boobs with unrelenting annoyingness.

"Why do Catholics hate us so much?" asked the boobs.

Morality In Media, a douchebaggy organization that tries to promote, uh, morality in media, tries to pretend that it isn’t a religious group. Except that it is, because it was founded by a Catholic priest by the name of Morton A. Hill who took it upon himself to inject…um…more morality into our media. I guess that would be okay, except that the morality Hill wanted to inject was a Catholic morality, and Catholics, at least the most prominent Catholic loudmouths, hate it when they see big sets of knockers (or gay people, or strippers, or anything interesting) on television.

MIM recently got really, really mad because GoDaddy.com, a large website hosting company, has paid to have their “indecent” commercial aired during the Super Bowl.

Because, ya know, there are never any hot boob shots during the Super Bowl...

The ads feature no nudity, only hot girls dancing around a little bit because most guys who want their own website rarely see attractive women anywhere else. MIM President-slash-head douchebag Robert Peters has accused GoDaddy of trying to advertise “Lesbian strip performances”, which is wholly untrue, for if GoDaddy had such an ad, I would not have posted this article, as I would have been busy watching said commercial over and over again.

Now, the main difference between liberal PC censorship and its conservative equivalent is that the liberals kind of have a point. Destructive, racist language is bad. Any idiot knows that, even if we have a Constitutional right to say whatever we please as long as it doesn’t incite violence toward others (as in how a leader of a rabid mob may face charges if he fires up the mob to go lynch some poor bastard, even if he takes no direct part in the violence). Also, racist language is a symptom of a greater racist problem, namely America’s love of kicking minorities around for no good reason. While we at Lib Porn disagree with many tenants of political correctness as a whole, we understand where they’re coming from and at least their intentions are admirable. Not so with conservatives.

Conservative censorship, which is fueled by Judeo-Christian morality, doesn’t worry so much about racism, which is bad. Instead they go after titties, which are good. Any PG-rated “racy” content on the airwaves must be purged, in their opinion, because it damages society as a whole. Except that there’s no proof for this, and those who are offended by the content are pissed off for the same reasons that Imams force Muslim women into those stifling burkas; in other words, they’re fucking religious prudes. We wouldn’t mind that, either, except that they assume the rest of us share the same sensitivities.

Sure, the sensitivities of all people should be respected, just not the arbitrary sensitivities. A black woman who is offended by the shit Don Imus said has, in our opinion, a more legitimate beef. After all, black women are consistently insulted in American media, and those insults are a symptom of the plight of black women in America. Christians, however, are mad because they don’t like tits, a view which they accepted. No black woman, nor any other minority, had a hand in what sort of life they would have when they were born; a black woman was born black, and thus born a victim of racial injustice in America. Christians choose to be Christians. Their sensitivities are arbitrary because if they loosened up, got laid, and watched more porn, they wouldn’t get so pissy about sexy commercials.