The following is a film sanctioned and approved by The Liberation Coalition, and among the Liberated Collection, located at the Lib Porn National Archives in Philadelphia. Watch it. It’s good for you. Recommendations of other films may be found here and here.

I’m gonna group the ’72 original and ’02 remake of Solaris together, in one post, because I feel I must, if not for brevity’s sake.  I may revisit this decision in the future but I doubt it.  The original Solaris (1972) is excellent and all around super-duper.  A great philosophical “exploric*”, which was made in I-can’t-believe-this-got-past-the-censors-Soviet-era Russia and all that that entails. The 2002 remake is also excellent but not quite as super-duper largely due to it not being produced in the USSR in the early 70s and all that that entails.  Nonetheless, way too many people seem dislike the remake beyond reasonable levels. I am not one of those people.

The huge collection of “meh” responses to be found are atrociously short-sighted, narrow-minded and simplistic.  To quote follow Netflix user “kji1268490″ and one of the few true believers:

“This is one of the greatest sci-fi films ever made (possibly richer and deeper than even Blade Runner in some ways), moody, dark, thoughtful, with an open-ended resolution that calls for a multiplicity of interpretations. If people can’t tolerate a slowly-unfolding, introspective film with beautiful visuals, haunting music and sound, and acting appropriate to the emotional contexts of the philosophical storyline, I’m not sure why they bother commenting on the movie at all.”

I agree completely, “kji 12698490″, 100% completely.

Synopsis: There’s this space station orbiting a bizarre planet named Solaris. Weird shit keeps happening to the crew.  Specifically, they see people who shouldn’t be there. A psychologist (Donatas Banionis, 1972; George Cloony,2002) is sent to investigate the what-what and hub-bub.  An excellent and super-duper exploration of the

human condition ensues.

Why It’s Awesome: See also: Notice (above).

Quotes (1972):

Dr. Snaut: We don’t want to conquer space at all. We want to expand Earth endlessly. We don’t want other worlds; we want a mirror. We seek contact and will never

achieve it. We are in the foolish position of a man striving for a goal he fears and doesn’t want. Man needs man!

Kris Kelvin: Well, anyway, my mission is finished. And what next? To return to Earth? Little by little everything will return to normal. I’ll find new interests, new

acquaintances, but I won’t be able to devote all of myself to them.

Kris Kelvin: Guibariane did not die of fear, he died out of shame. The salvation of humanity is in its shame!

Kris Kelvin: You mean more to me than any scientific truth.

Quotes (2002):

Chris Kelvin: Why haven’t you come home? What happened here? What did you find?

Gordon: Who are you representing, exactly?

Chris Kelvin: I represent the last effort to recover this mission before they abandon this ship and everyone on board.

Gordon: Until it starts happening to you, there’s really no point in discussing it.

Gibarian: We take off into the cosmos, ready for anything – - solitude, hardship, exhaustion, death. We’re proud of ourselves. But when you think about it, our enthusiasm’s a sham. We don’t want other worlds; we want mirrors.

Gibarian: There are no answers. Only choices.

Tidbit(s):

The film was originally rated R by the MPAA primarily due to a pair of shots of George Clooney’s hot ass. Director Soderbergh appealed the decision, citing that similar content (and worse) had appeared on network television. Soderbergh won the appeal and the movie was granted a PG-13 rating. Yay on many levels!

Far too many conservatives oppose welfare and, more specifically, food stamps. Yet I can’t lie: Food stamps are communism, plain and simple. They are, in theory, an attack on freedom itself, because freedom has to go both ways. In America you are free to get rich but, alas, you aren’t free to starve, and therefore, ya know…Karl Marx.

But considering our great recession – which was, ironically, directly caused by poor people – America now more than ever needs to keep its poor from going hungry. Instead of less food stamps, true patriots and defenders of traditional America need to bite the bullet on this particular form of socialism and pump more federal dollars into the bellies of un-American folks in poverty. Because the moment those wretches can no longer to stuff themselves with Pop Tarts and other cheap sources of fruit-flavored goo, they just might rise up in rebellion.

There are two primary factors that have kept underclass Americans from revolting, which every informed patriot knows about. First of all, poor Americans are, by and large, disgusting people living among piles of their own poo. As such, they find it difficult to organize en masse because the smell is just too overpowering. (Since poor folk live with the putrid stench of anti-Americanness all day in their homes, one may wonder why the accumulation of similarly freedom-hating stenches would be repulsive to them, although this can be explained scientifically by the theory that your own farts smell rather pleasant, while the gaseous expulsions of others do not.)

But the second, more important factor is food. By and large, Americans aren’t starving. Even the poorest dreg in the middle of Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn is surrounded by copious amounts chicken wings, quarter pounders, and tacos. Since our poor can gorge themselves into a mass of communistic blubber, they probably won’t be hungry enough to revolt. And, as a side note, the blubbery double-chinned nature of our underclass ensures that such a revolt wouldn’t be very effective, unless of course the Obama Pan-African-Death-Panelist Agenda uses the tax money of true patriots to provide these front-butt peons with Hoverounds, in which case liberty itself may be crushed under the countless tires of a rolling fat poor person death swarm moving at eight miles per hour. (Which is exactly why I abhor any technological advance in fields related to allowing overweight citizens to move freely outside of their homes.)

The only problem is that food stamps don’t cover fast food purchases. Unfortunately, poor folks are forced to purchase the bulk of their grease-covered slop in Korean corner store groceries (another problem, as it emboldens Asian communist sleeper cells). In order to keep our underclass fat and immobile, we conservatives must push for an expansion of food stamp applicability so that our tubby little terror babies in ghettos nationwide may munch happily on Popeye’s Chicken, thus allowing Real Americans to live without the fear of a widespread poor people’s backlash.

Upon achieving this admittedly socialistic goal, Real America will see added benefits, such as the wholesale elimination of poor people as they keel over from massive heart attacks or, possibly, tip over public transportation vehicles. The destruction will be rampant, although the subsequent depopulation will result in less food stamp distribution, thus fixing the deficit and restoring freedom to America.

Conservatives often come under attack by liberal Commucrats for claiming terms like “average American” or the “American people”. My former left wing pals often say to me, “Chip, don’t you realize that Republicans and Tea Partiers only seem to use those terms to describe people that agree with their views?”

Of course I do, though back in my days as a pot smoking liberadical, I would tend to believe that there was no such thing as an “average American”. Instead I was manipulated by Ruskies like Howard Zinn, who claimed that one couldn’t say there was an “average” American, or even a “national interest” because circumstances are so different for various groups of people. I, for example, was a blue collar guy from Philadelphia whose family – like many others – might have been living in poverty if not for local unions. How could my basic interests be the same as an upwardly mobile businessman in the suburbs, whose ever-climbing salary depended on keeping employees from unionizing? In fact, I’d use similar logic on a broader scale. Perhaps there just might have been a national character, if you will, that came close to actually being an “average American”, and by that I meant the vast majority of Americans whose livelihoods depended on the fluctuating free market and, more importantly, the whims of wealthy men who controlled the workplace and, given that, de facto control of the “average American’s” life.

Only recently did I realize that type of thinking is exactly what destroys freedom!

There is an “average American”. No, the droves of union men and welfare cheese munchers are most certainly not included in that category. Nor are college radicals, feminists, or people who really enjoy casual sex with unmarried partners and/or homosexual men.

Lefties may cry that the conservative monopoly on “average Americans” is a dubious thing, a manipulative display of verbal gymnastics used to make blue collar Tea Partiers earning thirty grand a year identify with wealthy men. But no, it’s nothing of the sort.

You see, dear readers and fellow average Americans, the Tea Party platform is that of the Founding Fathers. In essence, WE ARE AMERICA! Just like the Founding Fathers, we love big business and capitalism, and understand that a Judeo-Christian worldview is essential to our nation’s survival, and we’re just a little bit suspicious of black people, although not because we’re racist, but because…well…

There is a reason why we Real Americans weren’t fooled by Obama’s election, and there is a reason we can safely say that the average American doesn’t agree with Obama’s radical Commu-Stalin-Affirmative-Actionist agenda. Why? Because the average American didn’t vote for Obama. It was the other guys, those citizens who hate the Founding Fathers, love Canada, and see abortion not as murder, but a pleasant recreational activity reserved for lazy summer afternoons.

The average American is an individualist. He knows it’s only right that he make it on his own, with no help from anyone, unless of course he was born wealthy, in which case he probably deserves his success more than poor people, anyway.

The average American doesn’t need unions or any form of socialism. He understands that the laws of Christly capitalism demand he bootstrap individually through the free market, and if his boss decides to slash his salary or do away with his benefits, so be it, because to say otherwise is a victory for Islamo-Fascists worldwide (and, should he complain, he will inevitably forget 9/11).

The average American believes in Jesus and the holy word of God, just like the Founders. He knows the separation of church and state has been twisted by liberal abortionists in an attempt to destroy Christmas, and the two should only be separated when non-Christians want to implement Sharia Law.

The American People, sanctified bunch that we are, are aware that sex is to be enjoyed very rarely. If the One True God wanted us to enjoy sex all the time, he wouldn’t have put our genitals near…ya know…poo.

And we average Americans must defend our American Peopleness by any means necessary. Sure, the left wing will insult us for claiming the term, but it would do us well to remind them of our patriotism and closeness with the ideals of the Founding Fathers by dressing in ridiculous costumes as often as possible and, should that fail, simply scream “WE THE PEOPLE!” until our opponents walk away, stunned by the eardrum shattering volume of our patriotism.

If we’re making beef stew in the great American melting pot, traditional Americans would be the meat and gravy.

And as much as liberals hate to hear it there are indeed certain American citizens who aren’t quite at the meat and gravy level, perhaps more along the lines of peas and carrots added to the pot as little extras.

So I am very excited about HB 2281, the new Arizona law prohibiting schools from including ethnic studies classes in their curriculum. Also, I’m proud of our patriotic brothers at Human Events who’ve pledged to patriotically defend patriotism by examining just how awesome HB 2281 really is, despite the reverse-racist homosexual Castro sympathizers saying otherwise.

Ethnic studies classes are horribly anti-American. Black studies, women’s studies, Native American studies, and Chicano and gay studies are all inherently unpatriotic, as they serve mainly to show students how various minority groups were ignored by mainstream history texts or mistreated by the white majority, otherwise known as Real America.

Of course, these “Peas and Carrots” Americans may have a point when they look back to certain, extremely brief injustices in American history. But look at Native Americans. Before Real Americans arrived from Europe, Indians didn’t have capitalism or Christianity. There may have been a few small injustices delivered upon our indigenous population, but only because Divine Providence deemed it necessary as the finger of Jesus pointed the white man victoriously toward Indian land. I mean really, modern Indians continue to whine about genocide and forced assimilation, but do those “injustices” seem so bad in hindsight, especially when we realize that without the Trail of Tears we may not be enjoying such material comfort today?

And why focus on the warts? Meat and Gravy Americans like you and I understand that the highlights of American history not only overshadow the lowlights, but make them irrelevant. Un-American black college sociologists often explain that slavery’s repercussions are still noticeable today, which is true. Yet we need to examine the positive outcome of slavery. Hip hop music, for instance, probably wouldn’t exist today if black Americans hadn’t been victims of outright racial oppression.

Let’s look at the law itself. HB 2281 prohibits classes that:

…Promote the overthrow of the US government. Which is treason. Real Americans would never consider violent revolution, unless of course it’s needed, in which case we absolutely would especially if the Africrats in the White House keep trying to Kenyanize liberty.

…Promote resentment toward a race or class of people. Liberal academia too often focuses on so-called “oppression.” By highlighting racial injustices of the past, minorities are committing reverse racism, which is a lot like regular racism, only worse. Yeah okay, I understand that segregation and genocide were horrible things, but it’s rude to try to make wealthy white Americans feel guilty about it.

…Are designed primarily for pupils of a particular ethnic group. Allowing minority students a chance to indulge in their own history is, I’m sorry to say, very un-American. Some liberals claim that it’s important for black and Hispanic students to study their people’s history in order to gain a sense of pride, that it’s more difficult for them to identify with, say, George Washington because he owned slaves. That’s hogwash. Blacks are only committing reverse racism by not cherishing our Founding Fathers simply because the Founders were white slave owners.

…Advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals. A wickedly anti-American practice, I say. Ronald Reagan was colorblind, he said so. There is absolutely no reason for blacks, Hispanics, or Native Americans to desire any pride in their race or ethnicity. Why can’t they just take pride in being American? White people have certainly learned to do so.

The main problem with ethnic studies is that it doesn’t include America’s greatness. By constantly examining all the so-called “horrible” events in American history, we as a people just might forget that America is an exceptional nation. And if that happens, we just might fail to defend our country. Imagine if we forgot the times when our national security was threatened, the times when enemy forces tried to conquer our nation. Should we forget, history just might repeat itself, and some other enemy could invade our country, slaughter our people, and treat the survivors like second-class citizens.

Philadelphia is basically a communist country and I should know, since I live there. Everybody is in a union or a welfare queen and even the small white population celebrates Kwanzaa instead of Christmas. So when Glenn Beck got on the radio and said “Philadelphia sucks”, I had to agree, because a city cannot have such a high number of New Black Panthers and still be considered America. Because white nationalists are hate groups too, but they’re much more patriotic. Plus the black, yellow, green, and red African colors aren’t nearly as aesthetically pleasing as a simple white sheet.

Beck’s comments about Philadelphia were right on the money. He claimed a person was basically signing their own death warrant by walking around Independence Hall (where I’m pretty sure they keep the Liberty Bell) after dark. Yes, the liberal ACORN coalition in Philly denies that charge, as local police claim Independence Hall is probably one of the safest areas in the country, given the heavy police presence, although cops in such wretched Marxist towns like Philly are almost always lying to advance the Democrat’s Marxo-Pan-African-Homosexualist agenda.

As a Tea Party conservative living in Philly, I almost never leave the house except to drive to Walmart to purchase bullets. Yet I have, on occasion, visited Independence Hall. There was blood everywhere. Black children directed gunfire at innocent white civilians, union members bludgeoned patriotic businessmen in broad daylight, and the ethnic white population – Irish, Polish, and Italian, the few whites who don’t celebrate Kwanzaa – embrace pagan Catholicism and procreate in public, only to have nearby college professors from Drexel University perform late term abortions right there on the spot.

More than the rampant violence and fetus killing, Philadelphia has in the last few days watched its love of America fall precipitously, as a local radio station dropped both Sean Hannity’s radio show along with Beck’s. Now some of the comrades in Philadelphia say Beck’s rant about the city stemmed from losing his audience, but that’s simply not true, because most Philadelphians didn’t listen to Beck, and not just because so many areas of the city lack the electricity required to turn on a radio.

You see, Philadelphia just isn’t a very patriotic city. It never has been. If it had loved America more, the local manufacturing sector wouldn’t have left the city. Philadelphians, of course, reacted to the massive loss of blue collar jobs by becoming lazy and unemployed. The few working-class people left in the city chose to join unions, not realizing that one of the most unpatriotic things you can do is demand a living wage from an employer who wants nothing more than to enjoy his right to maximize profit. Glenn Beck would be better off without a largely union audience anyway. Superpatriots like Beck understand that being personally responsible in a capitalist society means you look out for your own interests, unless it’s in your best interest to join a union that will get you a living wage and health benefits, in which case your personal responsibility impedes that of your employer, thus making you a communist.

It’s not like Beck hasn’t experienced life in the People’s Republic of Philly. He lived here for a bit, but upon noticing the distinct lack of liberty, promptly left. Indeed, if Philadelphians truly believed in America and its Constitution, they wouldn’t be Philadelphians. They’d pack their stuff and move to Kansas or, if that’s too far a drive, possibly Ohio, or any area with a sufficient rural geography necessary to fulfill the small town values Beck advocates. Those values just aren’t possible to attain in Philadelphia, as most citizens live in rowhomes. If they were patriots, they’d seek out small town single homes, as single homes provide more surfaces on which inhabitants can hang American flags.

(All photos, and their captions, were submitted by members of “Pray for Chile” Facebook groups.)

Santiago, capital of Chile, before the earthquake struck.

Philanthropic Facebook users have once again sprung into action. With the earthquake in Chile, thousands of warmhearted social networking folks are able to prove their warmheartedness by joining one of many “Pray for Chile” groups. These groups are a lot like the “Pray for Haiti” groups, but with more Chile, less Haiti, and an even greater difficulty in locating this month’s devastated country on a map.

And Chile certainly needs the well wishes of American internet addicts. Santiago, capital city of Chile, is, of course, a glorified shantytown of ramshackle houses, raw sewage, and South Americans, as Facebook informed us. But hey, Chile isn’t America, nor is it a country in Western Europe, so it’s probably just like Africa, only with less black people. (According to many Facebook groups, Africa is also a country in desperate need of Facebook groups; several Facebook users are hoping for an earthquake or two in Africa, because “Pray for Africa” groups show everyone how much the Facebook user in question cares for the less fortunate.)

Lib Porn contacted a few Facebookers who were some of the first warmhearted Samaritans to send relief to Chile via prayer, group membership, and, in some cases, Twitter updates. These users had just looked up the term infrastructure on Wikipedia and, after they found the term confusing and complicated, concluded that Chile had none. The seemed to think General Pinochet was kind of a dick, though. One Facebooker promptly created a group to urge Congress to intervene on behalf of the Chileans and remove this vicious dictator from office.

Lib Porn, after extensive Facebook searching, have discovered that Chile is indeed a squalid mess. While we unfortunately believed, prior to the spontaneous outburst of “Pray for Chile” groups, that Chile was actually a well-developed country and economic power in South America, thousands of Facebookers provided us the knowledge that Chile is little more than an open sewer full of MS-13 gangbangers and leftist death squads, much like the rest of South America, Africa, and certain neighborhoods in East LA.

Yet we can’t help but think that we American Facebookers must do more for poor, impoverished, third world Chile. Certainly, we must post even more well wishes for the social and economically backward Chileans. It’s a known fact on Facebook that American prayers and social networking groups have three times the positive impact on third world natural disaster victims than any other white country, and certainly more impact than those of piss poor South Americans (few of whom have ever heard of electricity, nor do they have power outlets in their shantytowns and, thus, they can’t register on Facebook).

Not feeling so hot today, dear readers. I made the mistake of drinking foul communist public sector water from my spigot and haven’t felt right since. I’m poisoned, no doubt, most likely because I’m here on Liberating Porn day in and day out, exposing the vile nature of the left.

And, sadly, I may not be around much longer. Now that I’m suffering from the poisonous fluoridated commie water, I’ll almost certainly end up before one of Obama’s death panels or, if I refuse to go before the panel, possibly tossed into a FEMA camp.

But there is cause for celebration in my life. My new found patriotism isn’t just improving the intellectual dynamism here on Lib Porn, but my love of freedom is actually changing me physically. You see, I accidentally spilled spaghetti sauce on my favorite portrait of Ronald Reagan. It was ruined. But, alas, there are several federal laws against throwing out a picture of the Gipper (or so I’m told), so instead of desecrating it, I ingested it.

I ate Ronald Reagan and, gosh darn it, the Gip tastes damn good. Yet, this morning, I felt a victorious rumbling of liberty in my belly. As I rose out of bed, an uncontainable burst of freedomy gas erupted from my anus. Though I was temporarily blinded by the explosion, I was able to snap a picture.

Hey there, dear readers, today we at Lib Porn want to offer a solution for a problem that has plagued conservatives for years: Charges of bigotry!

Back when I was of a more Pol Pottish nature – spending my days hating America and urinating on various national monuments – I engaged in the usual left wing racial McCarthyism so often employed by fans of Marxo-Black Pantherism, those insufferable Kenyacrats of the “Blame America First” crowd. I’d say, for example, that conservatives could whine all day about how they aren’t racist but, in the end, unregulated capitalism takes a severe toll on poor folks, of which a disproportionate number are minorities. I’d go on, in Farrakhan-like fashion, about America’s tendency to abandon our most vulnerable citizens, again, most of whom were black and poor.

Oh, don’t worry; I eventually stopped hating liberty and realized that abandoning our lazier citizens, even if the vast majority of them were black, didn’t necessarily make us conservatives racist. But recently, an event in Maine gave me an idea about how to correct the dubious notion that conservatives are somehow likely to be bigots.

Paul LePage, Maine’s shiny new Tea Party governor, told the NAACP to kiss his ass. At first many a liberal jumped to call LePage a bigot but, victoriously, LePage mentioned (twice, in a one minute clip) that he indeed couldn’t be racist as he has an adopted black son from Jamaica. This, dear friends and Real American neighbors, is a brilliant strategy. You see, Paul LePage, now that he has made public his love of his (probably hilarious and jive-talkin’) black son, can no longer be called a racist, ever. Even if his policies send droves of minorities plunging into poverty and filth, hey, he has a black son, so shut up!

Because really, if the consequences of a certain policy end up destroying the lives of poor black folk, does that necessarily mean the people who implemented that policy are racist? Heck no. I, for instance, hate poor people. Many of them are lazy, wicked, and can’t recite even one line of the Constitution. And if I walk into an all black neighborhood where every single person is poor, you better bet I hate those bastards…but not because they’re black! However, since I have no biological or adopted black family members, it would be terribly difficult to convince a Kenyacrat that I’m not a racist.

Sadly, adopting a child can be a long and arduous process. (No surprise, given that private institutions don’t have free reign on how to dole out orphans.) But instead of adopting black children, it may be easier to simply purchase them.

I personally don’t have the cash available to buy any black babies, especially one from a third world country…but many of our newly elected Tea Party politicians do. And hell, so do most popular conservative pundits. Superpatriot Glenn Beck often suffers incessant charges of racism, which he managed to combat in expert fashion but placing many black faces on stage during his September rally. But imagine how quickly the liberals would have to shut their gosh darn mouths if Beck used some of his wealth to purchase a black child?

In fact, our wealthier Tea Party Patriots could even stimulate the economy by buying up minority children in an effort to dispel the infuriatingly absurd myth that conservatives like us are racist. It’s unfortunate that the situation has come to this but, alas, liberals will never pipe down about racism, so I declare that to protect one’s self against racist charges, all who can afford it should approach a black family and offer to purchase one of their younger children.

A new industry such as this would also pump money into black neighborhoods. Black families could, once a week, organize show floors to peddle their precious merchandise to so-called “racist” Tea Partiers. Both sides would benefit and many poor blacks would learn valuable lessons about running a small business.

My proposal may sound outlandish, but think about it: America’s history is one of free enterprise. I’m just suggesting we apply free market principles to people, specifically black children.

If there’s one thing my Tea Party brethren and I are sick of, it’s the oppression of America on behalf of left wing professors, dead Indians, and slaves. But, finally, someone is taking action.

Tennessee Tea Party groups have had enough of the incessant liberal attack on America’s early years, those Ivory Tower pinkos puffing on hookahs as they drone on about how slavery and genocide were just oh so terrible. These Tea Partiers have looked at school history textbooks and demanded “no portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”

Do you, dear readers, understand the beauty of their demand? Finally, Real Americans are standing up and saying no, they don’t think the atrocities committed by early Americans should stain the great goals they accomplished. To be sure, such revisions would certainly make for a more pleasant read. For example, I think Andrew Jackson was a fine man and a good president. Why should his patriotic life be sullied just because he slaughtered a few Native Americans? (Not to mention that back then, Americans on the whole embraced Christ on a larger level. Those Native Americans would have fared much better if they had just taken Christ into their hearts, I’m sure.)

George Washington is another fine example. A textbook written by Real Americans would highlight Washington’s accomplishments as a president, Founding Father, and general. Americans don’t need those depressing side notes about the 300-plus slaves he owned, or how his soldiers suffered in squalid filth while he and his officers lived in comfort.

Yet we don’t have to travel so far back in time to see how those fruitcake history professors would smear the liberty filled history of our nation with anti-American propaganda. It simply isn’t necessary to misinform our schoolchildren about the so-called questionable actions our government committed in the past. For instance, any time a few patriots are having a wholesome conversation about America’s heroic role in World War 2 – and how we totally dropped freedom bombs on Germany’s ass, defeating the Nazis while those USSR hippies hid in Siberia – some liberal wine sipping communist wretch has to bring up the Japanese internment camps. We liberty lovers would counter that, yes, the internment camps were imperative in our war against the Japanese, even though we were also at war with Germany but never rounded up Americans of German descent because, hey c’mon now, all Asians look alike. How could the OSS tell the difference between a peaceful Japanese American and a death dealing, Tojo maniac?

But liberals don’t care for the logic of common sense conservatives like you and I, dear reader. They’re too busy hanging out with Noam Chomsky, reciting Howard Zinn quotes, and rain dancing at ACORN headquarters to understand the exceptionally awesome history of America. Luckily, Tennessee patriots will, hopefully, soon have a history curriculum dedicated to the beautiful past of our nation rather than the supposed ‘warts’. Imagine a history book without any Marxist commentary on workers’ slums, or glorification of reverse racists like Nat Turner, or the largely fictionalized liberal history of Native Americans (who, in their attacks against white Christian settlers, were effectively waging war on Christ!).

Has America, at times, done a few bad things? Yes, of course it has. But we, as Real Americans who love our country, can’t allow our rich history to be smeared. Our children must learn, in no particular order: That capitalism always works and only lazy people end up poor; that our business leaders should be trusted since they follow not their own greedy desires, but the Invisible Hand (probably God’s); that covert American actions in the third world are almost always just and, hell, Guatemala was a shitty place to begin with anyway; and, finally, we’re unquestionably the greatest country on the planet and the first real democracy ever.

CNN is the journalistic equivalent of Red China, not quite as far to the left as the Cubanos at MSNBC, but still pretty goddamn close to putting Kim Jong-Il’s sunglasses on Anderson Cooper.

Evidence of CNN’s far left vileness is available on CNN.com, specifically in an article by Julian E. Zelizer. First of all and very quickly, dear readers, it’s obvious Zelizer doesn’t love America. If he did, he would have changed his last name to something more in tune with mainstream US culture because – and I’m in no way a xenophobe, mind you – last names beginning with the letter Z, or containing more than one X, just aren’t very American.

Anyway, Zelizer drones on about how extremism is bad for America. He’s partly correct, especially when he mentions the Weathermen, the left wing terrorist group of community activists that still controls the Democratic Party. Also, FUCKING ACORN.

But Zelizer, after providing a bit of hope by mentioning the myriad left wing terror organizations of which Barack Obama is a card carrying member, he returns lockstep to CNN’s historic liberal Nazism with one simple sentiment: That right wing extremism is the same as left wing extremism, in the sense that both are totally super bad when they include violence.

It just isn’t true and for one very obvious reason. Mainly, conservative extremism as advocated by Real American Barry Goldwater (“Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice”) isn’t really extremism at all. The Founding Fathers quite adamantly believed that the government should do nothing except kick out the British, kill Injuns, and perhaps deliver the mail, although private companies like UPS perform the latter much more efficiently. (And UPS deliverymen are very aggressive drivers. With a few loaded rifles and reinforced front bumpers, they could have exterminated the Seminoles more efficiently than Andrew Jackson.)

Sure, when I was a left winger, I thought a huge government totalitarian Marxist Nazi nanny state run by Black Panthers would be just super. I was wrong, of course, because such a government is diametrically opposed to what the Founding Fathers wanted. Therefore, when you see a poor single mother using a food stamp card at the supermarket, be sure to remind her that she’s destroying liberty.

Some lefties see patriotic right wingers like the Oath Keepers or the Minute Men and think, “Whoa, those are scary paranoid dudes with guns, and probably a danger to our democracy.” Ha! That’s just what our President – who was undoubtedly born in the country of Africa, by the way – wants you to think. Instead of looking at our bug-eyed, survivalist neighbors with fear and suspicion, we should thank them for fulfilling the Godly ideals of the writers of our Constitution.

Yes, I’m certain many lefties will say that I’m picking and choosing which type of violent extremism (and indeed, violent rhetoric) is acceptable, but I’m not. Since FDR raised the hammer and sickle over the White House, America has basically become Cuba, only with more Spanish speakers. We’re a left wing country, as evidenced by the countless socialist brown shirts working on behalf of our tyrannically communist government. If you don’t believe me, just check your mailbox. Who delivered your mail, a patriotic private sector employee (who may or may not be covered in Indian blood)…or a communist?