Yet something happened this past Sunday which, in the context of America’s self-defining role as a “Christian” nation, is nothing but ugly. Kyler VanNocker died. If you haven’t heard of him (and you probably haven’t), Kyler was a 5-year-old boy suffering from a brutal form of cancer, neuroblastoma. His insurance company,  HealthAmerica, refused to pay for therapy that might have beaten his cancer into remission.

Thankfully, the state of New Jersey plus a number of private donors footed some of the bill and the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia forgave much of the debt, giving Kyler the the therapy he needed. Unfortunately, Kyler died anyway. His death, tragic as it is, is not the issue.

How can we as a country look at a healthcare system in which bean counting cocksuckers like those at HealthAmerica will actually refuse treatment to a 5-year-0ld, treatment that could give the kid just a few extra days with his family and say, “Yes, this works”? True, many a firm conservative (and a sickening number of “leftists”) will try to justify this sick system, but if America is truly a nation of Judeo-Christian values, we sane and humble citizens can rest assured that the large chunk of America which doesn’t mind watching a young kid go without essential treatment will, hopefully, rot in hell.

America, as a nation, can afford the greatest (by far) military in the world. We have thousands of nuclear weapons. We can pump an insane amount of money into supposedly “private” businesses. Yet many of our citizens — from old folks to kids like Kyler — are left at the mercy of soulless cretins who prefer a sliver of profit to the life, or even the final days, of a dying human.

Our country is an embarrassment. Those who defend this sick healthcare system on moral grounds do so dubiously. They are liars, bought and paid for by monolithic insurance companies that truly do not give a fuck about us. This pitiful state of our nation was never more apparent than when HealthAmerica, like so many insurance companies, put a price on a person’s life. Even if that person was going to die anyway.

Raising taxes on the wealthy for the sole purpose of providing decent healthcare for the people isn’t just possible, but it’s a question of morality, a question that any moral person — of any faith or lack thereof — would answer in the affirmative.

How one can look at Kyler’s life — and the lives of so many suffering Americans whose lives have been cut short by the insurance industry — and still wave our hypocritical flag in support of our disgusting system, I cannot fathom.

National healthcare in America. National healthcare in America. National healthcare in America.

It’s worth a few nukes and a couple of stealthbombers. Ain’t it?

This.

And this.

Side effects may include feeling slightly more retarded than you did before you clicked those links.

]]> http://www.liberatingporn.com/?feed=rss2&p=1823 0 http://www.liberatingporn.com/?p=1819 http://www.liberatingporn.com/?p=1819#comments Mon, 06 Sep 2010 19:48:54 +0000 Chip http://www.liberatingporn.com/?p=1819 There’s something very odd about America and, really, Western Society in general. For all our faults, some of which are ball breakingly nasty, our way of life is considerably more comfortable than that of roughly half the world’s population. By and large, citizens of the Western world won’t have to worry about honor killings, bloody conflicts over the local water supply, or the unimaginable horror of having Mia Farrow arrive at your refugee camp.

PLEASE STOP

Yet we’re depressed. Even those of us who find ourselves upwardly mobile often experience crippling depression. Why? Well, we’ll get to that. But many of our favorite TV shows are jam packed with otherwise awesome characters who, in the real world, just might be posting melancholic Facebook updates every ten minutes (or possibly just punching the shit out of random faces). Yet there’s one character who’s nothing of the sort…

The Sopranos – Tony Soprano

Tony’s an obvious choice. Practically every episode of The Sopranos centered on Tony’s depression. And though on the surface the series became a hit because of the Mafia backdrop, it’s easy to forget that Tony Soprano is a metaphor for everyone who was ever forced into a line of work they didn’t particularly care for.

The son of a mob captain, Tony had little choice but to follow his father’s footsteps. Despite Tony’s talent as a crime boss and the women, cash, and luxury it brings, he’s often borderline suicidal. All of his material excesses do nothing to quell his subconscious disgust of both himself and his line of work. Indeed, even his closest mobster friends could turn into enemies in a heartbeat, making all the hugs, warm greetings, and supposed loyalty hollow.

And doesn’t Tony’s career mirror many a white collar professional? Many of us are, from childhood, raised to believe we must go to college, must succeed in a corporate setting, even if such a career makes our skin crawl. Once successful, we shower ourselves with material trinkets after long days at work where even the friendliest co-workers are likely to dime us out to the bosses if it means they can get a promotion. Paper-thin smiles and artificial office etiquette abound.

Just like Tony, who must present himself as both ruthless and likeable to hold onto his position as boss, we also feel the strain of not only presenting ourselves as something we’re not, but clinging to careers that just might make us something we hate.

The Office – Michael Scott

Of course The Office is a hilarious show and, unfortunately, it will be painful to watch once Steve Carell’s gone. And as squirmingly funny as Michael Scott is, the most endearing – and entertaining – traits of the character stem from his loneliness.

Somewhat similar to Tony, only with less track suits and chest hair, Michael finds himself in a soulless job dominated by an inauthentic corporate culture. Given the setting of most offices, everyone smiles even when they don’t want to, everyone listens to inclusive, quasi-friendly horse shit from from the higher-ups who, if need be, will abandon the workers the moment profits dip. Yet even when Michael clearly sees through these facades, his loneliness leaves him no choice but to accept the inauthentic relationships because he has few true relationships elsewhere in his life.

And Michael ends up chasing the artificial goals of our society: image over substance, materialism, and the privilege of authority. Being shy and awkward his whole life, Michael dedicated his life to a boring and unfulfilling job while hoping he’d find a worthwhile personal connection in the workplace.

Many of us face the same fear of loneliness. After college we enter the workforce and, before long, resign ourselves to the fact that we’ll probably be doing the same job for the rest of our lives. As time passes and we grow older, we realize “Holy fuck, this is my life.” For those who sacrifice their personal lives for an unfulfilling career, and perhaps ending up alone because of it, watching Michael can be a painful reminder of how short and hollow our lives can become.

The Wire – Mayor Tommy Carcetti

Of course, The Wire is possibly the most pessimistic show ever created. And the most terrifying part is that most of the series is based in reality: urban decay, corruption, and the betrayal of the American working-class are all very real. The character Tommy Carcetti, a would-be reformer who ends up becoming the mayor of Baltimore, finds his honestly good intentions torn to shreds by the system.

Carcetti starts out admirably enough, railing against an establishment that breeds (and ignores) poverty and despair, but finds himself twisted into corruption once he actually gains a position of power. He can’t stop his police department from waging a futile War on Drugs in favor of more effective policing techniques because of sensitive public perception created by one-liner politics. He wants to become governor one day, so he can’t accept funds from a Republican politician to bail out his impoverished schools. Though he believes that once he’s governor he can help the schools from a higher position of power, we have no reason to believe Carcetti won’t be just as handcuffed – if not more so – once he’s actually elected governor. Every reform Carcetti attempts is roadblocked by a broken system.

Carcetti’s plight and eventual spiral into self-preserving politics is no different than any other elected official. How many of us mistakenly believed then-Senator Obama’s promises of true healthcare reform or transparent government? Even if Obama was sincere (and he very well could have been), the system forced him to break from his reformist ideals: he tortures and tows the line for corporate America at the expense of the public just as well as any other commander-in-chief. A political landscape dominated by corporate influence and one-liner policies will eventually lock the vast majority of reformers into the same corrupt, corporatist system.

Is there a silver lining for Carcetti in The Wire? Hell no. His clout in the political world rises as he abandons his principles. Just like in the real world. Yet Carcetti’s eventual corruption in favor of self-preservation mirrors the choices many of us have to make. We may enter into institutions – whether those institutions are political, public, or private – with high ideals and a hunger to change things for the better, but once we’re locked into those institutions, we find ourselves and our ideals at their mercy. And, thus, in the name of self-preservation, we become part of the system.

Entourage – Johnny Drama

There may be no more desperate a character on television than Entourage’s Johnny Drama, an egotistical C-List celebrity clinging to a fading career. When Drama isn’t trying to impress girls with his past celeb exploits, he arrogantly looks for work, often looking down on job offers he believes are beneath him.

Drama wants to be noticed and it kills him when he isn’t, even if his notoriety faded years before. He can’t accept that he’s not a bankable personality, that his time in the spotlight is long gone. Drama will go to drastic measures to look and act like a younger man, often embarrassing himself in the process.

In the age of Facebook and reality television, many of us are just as desperate for attention. We meticulously craft online personae, actually dedicating time to posting a profile update that we assume is witty or funny and, when that fails, perhaps a melodramatic exclamation, all in the dire hope of someone paying attention to us.

Yet like Drama, we’re not our image. No matter how much time and effort we put into being something we’re not, we still must face the reality that we’re just who we were in the first place. After working tirelessly to be someone else – literally for Drama, since he’s an actor – some of us end up forgetting what makes us “us”.

Being who we are is, for some, a painful thing. Yet we can’t truly connect with others if we don’t accept who we are, even if our true selves aren’t of the attention-grabbing variety we strive for. Perhaps if the Johnny Dramas of the world realized that, hey, most of us are just as ‘uninteresting’, they’d understand that simply being who you are is often preferable than being who you aren’t.

Which leads us to the most not depressing character on television…

The Simpsons – Homer Simpson

Provided we forget about the horrendous turn The Simpsons took after the late-90s, Homer Simpson is a character that can inspire us all. Because despite Homer’s crappy job and less-than-genius intellect, he’s nothing if not happy.

Homer is probably never going to become rich or even attain true middle class status. If he’s lucky, he’ll keep his home. Maybe he’ll get enough overtime to pay his bills and keep his car running and, as a blue collar working-class man in America, that’s about as much as he can realistically hope for.

Living paycheck-to-paycheck and resigning himself to a life of drudgery as a laborer may not seem too enviable to some. Homer’s life certainly isn’t flashy. But Homer is content to come home to his family, watch television, and treat himself to a nightly twelve-pack and a box of doughnuts. There are few things he takes too seriously, up to and including himself. Geez, how this differs from the rest of the characters on our list and, indeed, most people we know in the real world.

Imagine if honest and hardworking people weren’t lured into debt and despair by materialism or some other inauthentic standard imposed upon us by the culture of a system teeming with betrayal and an artificial standard of living. Of course, Homer lapses into image obsession from time to time, just like any of us, yet in the end he’s nothing but himself, even if his faults are many. When it comes down to it, Homer has no problem being who he is. He may be a brute and a high-functioning alcoholic, but Homer’s good heart will prevail in most cases, even when he stares into an economic abyss that’s all too common for working-class Americans.

We would all benefit from having a little Homer Simpson inside us. Because when we learn just to be ourselves and refuse to become just another Ipod obsessed, money grubbing cog in an inauthentic society, we won’t just benefit, but so will everyone around us.

The exception.

For example, I’m afraid of the following: Any injury – however minor – inflicted upon my penis or outlying regions of my crotch, drowning, being stabbed, really bad toothaches, concussions, angry lesbian women who are larger than I, a slow death, and being the last man alive on earth after the apocalypse, presumably of the zombie variety…although no matter how devastating the apocalypse might be, I’m confident there will be at least one other survivor.

And there’s certainly no shortage of horrible shit to be afraid of, no matter who you are or where you live. Even a super rich cocksucker living in a heavily-guarded penthouse on the top floor of a skyscraper still has reasons to be afraid and, unfortunately, is able to find reasons to be afraid.

That’s not good folks, and our society now has a bad habit of being afraid of various Boogermen, all oozing with terror boogies. Americans are, in no particular order, afraid of: Terrorists, communists, radicals, the Rapture, Sharia Law, black people, hackers, and even more black people.

We buy guns, alarm systems, and there actually is a such a thing as a Panic Room, all used to protect us against raving jihadist lunatics waving axes around, trying to behead our goddamn infidel asses. Oh, that actually fucking happened.

Despite the often terrible actions and incidents that plant seeds for our fear, a life of paranoia and constant terror isn’t much of a life at all. Spend ten minutes on a survivalist message board and you’ll understand just how scared some people really are, even if they the things they fear most are largely fictional. Like how Obama is tracking all Goldline customers in an attempt to toss them all into FEMA camps just before he personally destroys the economy. Also, Alex Jones!

Fear makes humans rather unpleasant. People who are afraid often make irrational and destructive decisions. Literally, there are folks so terrified of 50 Cent that they will join a hate group. The New Black Panthers really do believe all white people are evil. Tea Baggers are convinced Obama is a radical Muslim plant.

These irrational fears distract us from truly scary shit that we overlook every day. Forget about the bullshit for a moment and think of the real horror stories in America: Uninsured folks dying from preventable illnesses, elderly people forced to work until they die, the fact that our government can fucking torture you, our core national values which put money ahead of human life and no matter how passionately you vote a corporation will still control many of the most important choices in your life.

Yet as our very grounded fears shouldn’t control our lives, neither should our more personal fears. Fear drives us into comfort zones. A man-boy chained to an X-Box is terrified of interaction, a smart and capable person willfully remaining in a shitty job simply because they’re comfortable in their misery may fear their own limitations (or possibly failure). Fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, hell, even fear of fear. If we constantly cave to our natural inclination to dive into a comfort zone, you can probably picture how we’ll end up.

Hint: Not like this.

So yes, fear is real. FDR was probably hopped up on polio medicine when he said we have nothing to fear but fear itself, because I never once feared my fear of dick injury as much as I’m horrified of the aspects of castration. But constantly dwelling on what scares you most does no good, although you would be wise to avoid sharp or rotating machinery at or near waist level.

Then again, according to some, this makes me a commie symp hell bent on strangling Christian babies while stringing a blood-soaked black flag decorated with IWW slogans. “No war but class war”, indeed. Yet America doesn’t like to talk about class, or those nasty instances of stratification, because it goes against the great American myth of the last few decades which fools everyone into thinking that if they just work hard enough, we too can become rich and invest our hard-earned cash in derivatives and destroy the economy.

Just this morning I read an article from that bigoted, self-hating right wing mouthpiece Michelle Malkin, wherein she decried the “Big Labor violence” of AFL-CIO honcho Richard Trumka and his union goon squad. Why? Because Trumka and Co. have been involved in violence against scabs, men who weaseled through the picket lines to steal another man’s job.

Dear readers, I have no love for scabs and neither should you. A true scab, one of those Red State fuck-turds LOL’ing to Larry the Cable Guy CDs, waving American flags and worshiping Ronald Reagan, is a scourge on the working-class, the type of man who has no qualms about going behind another man’s back and snatching his livelihood. Yes, it’s good to remember that scabs are also products of a broken and divisive system and it would be super awesome if they joined the union men in an effort to create just workplaces. But the Blackwater mercenaries who lit up all those innocent Iraqis are also products of a broken and divisive system and they’re still scumbags, aren’t they?

Right wing anti-labor idiots love espousing the tenants of individualism. Individualists, of course, are adverse to unions because unions are a collective. Plus ‘individualist’ has lots of syllables, which is the main reason so many right wingers like saying they’re ‘libertarian’, mostly because both terms sound totally cool, at least until you realize how retarded they are. Because all the individualists won’t look much like individuals when they’re grouped together in the welfare office after their super dynamic anti-union workplace kicks their asses to the curb.

But ‘individualists’ aren’t going to find themselves involved in “Big Labor violence”, right? No, but think on this for a moment: Which does more damage, a bunch of angry union men on the picket line with baseball bats or a corporation which rips off workers, consumers, and taxpayers? Sprinkle some pollution on top and, boom, you have yourself a red-blooded American company in good standing, driving down wages while pushing up interest rates, doing their best to wage class war, albeit on a battlefield covered in Walmart party balloons and Mama Grizzly protest signs.

And obviously, a good American big business wouldn’t adhere to the glorious traditions of the free market if it didn’t flirt its way into government, orchestrating harmless and patriotic measures like circumventing regulators and figuring out way to make Central America an even more miserable place to live, because if we didn’t set that Banana Republic straight, the Russians would have won the Cold War!

Please. Big business has, does, and will continue to do more damage to our nation and, indeed, the world than any surly Teamster with a baseball bat. Despite the right wing’s constant villainizing of “Big Labor”, it’s a bag of peanuts compared to Big Business. After all, there’s no such thing as a “union supermajor” which can control large chunks of the world or urge governments to wage war. Those drunk truck drivers would need baseball bats far larger than any they have now.

There was a time when the working-class in America stuck together to some degree. And now, with union membership dying and right wing hysteria on the rise, anything remotely resembling solidarity is long gone, disappearing in a puff of Tea Party costumes. So yes, union men, when management decides to cut your wages or benefits (while the company is still profitable, in most cases), feel free to bash a scab or two.

By 'color-blind' he means, "I don't hate Spics because of their color."

There is scarcely a more full of shit phrase than “Post-Racial America”. In fact, almost every race-centric catchphrase should be shot or, at least, bludgeoned to death. Purged from our collective consciousness. “Colorblind”, “reverse racism”, and the like are foul, misleading verbal trinkets of a society paralyzed when it comes to talking logically about a topic as simple as what color one’s skin is.

First we have to recognize what racism is and what it isn’t. Most people in America, I believe, will respect and befriend anyone regardless of color or creed when they meet individually because all but the most vilely retarded racists realize all people are the same. An Arab raised in Texas will grow up a Republican NRA fanatic while a white American boy sent to Kabul will mature into an AK-firing lunatic, which is to say both will end up exactly the same, although one kid will own a significantly larger number of goats.

Americans these days are far more tolerant than the ones that came before us, considering our racism generally rears its head in a more subtle manner, like quiet institutionalized bigotry that doesn’t require lynch mobs or fire hoses. Of course, sometimes the institutionalized racism – mixed with a healthy dose of that little idea America is allergic to, otherwise known as ‘class warfare’ – isn’t so quiet at all, mostly when big fucking torrents of water drown in a mostly-black city in shit and corpses. And even as we all watched the aftermath of Katrina live on CNN, that arrogant American dickhole inside of us said, “This is totally has nothing to do with race.”

Not even a little bit.

Yet our intrinsic racism and casual denial of it coalesce quite turdishly with class denial because, damn it, this is America and we can all bootstrap our way to the top of the food chain, an idea so uniquely (and retardedly) American that many of our citizens outright reject policies aimed at helping them, calling it socialism. Because the Founding Fathers believed that if a gaggle of multi-national corporations pushed Americans into borderline wage slavery with an artificial standard of living, it’s free market and, as such, filled with liberty. But taxing the rich a few extra percentage points to create a fuckload of public service jobs complete with benefits and sick leave is, ya know, what Stalin would have wanted.

Fucking communist!

But let’s get back to race. So we’ve established that most Americans will accept individuals regardless of their race or background, but, unfortunately, the lovey-dovey horse shit stops the moment those brown or yellow individuals turn into a group, however, large. One or two Muslims in Nashville is find and dandy, but ten? Twenty? Enough to – gasp! – warrant a larger place of worship? Well holy Judeo-Christian hell, those sand nigger fucks are trying to turn Tennessee into fucking Saudi Arabia!

So at what point do otherwise decent Americans become racist? If they accept individuals, well, they don’t sound very bigoted at all. But then the scale slides into the xenophobic rectum of American bullshit the moment more than a handful of “those types” come together (presumably to put a turban on Teddy Roosevelt’s head at Mount Rushmore). I, for one, would prefer the casual bigots and racists of our nation to have more balls than that: Motherfuckers, stop luring non-whites into a false sense of security so that they may circumvent your backward parts of the nation. As for the more tolerant and open-minded citizens: Grow a pair, you bitch ass fuckers, and stand up to your bucktoothed neighbors stringing up the flag in brave defiance of the eight Muslim families living on the other side of town.

They just ate a Christian baby.

Because America is anything but Post-Racial. We’re more like a family who shits behind the couch and pretends not to smell the turd when we’re in the living room. And this racial turd is also a class turd, as the increasingly foul loads of shit used to distract us from our real enemies causes divisions amongst us, the none-to-impressive regular folks. From project buildings in West Philly to middle class suburbs in New Hampshire, we’re all at the mercy of the Great American Cock of Greed, the dick that has lately been swinging across all our doorsteps as the criminals who run this bitch horde cash and bellow platitudes about the sanctity of free market. Ya know, how it was full of sanctity as it kicked you out of work and into the welfare office.

And really, this is where our racism comes from. Sure, we all get nervous when facing large groups of folks who look and sound different than us, but it’s the same nervousness we as a species felt a billion times in the past. The first cave man to light a fire must have crapped in his cave. The first dude with sufficient amounts of balls and insanity to float into a big body of water on a raft was probably scared to death. It’s the fear of not knowing, the inherent fear of moving out of your comfort zone. And conquering that fear is awesome, it just so happens we’re not terribly good at conquering that fear when it’s applied to other people.

Not to mention our fear of honesty. Because if Americans were honest, we never would have uttered such bullshit phrases like “Post-Racial” or “Colorblind” in the first place.

Ok, so my little smart ass quip last night gained me several rousing rounds of “rate that one!” in my household.

Now, do I feel an eentsy bit misogynist for rating women by their looks, especially after having written heart rending essays about feeling woebegone for my lifelong lack of a hotness factor? Nope. Maybe I should, but I don’t, because when it came down to it, I realized (REAL-EYES-D) I rate women’s hotness factor by their personality, their eyes, more than just the physical attributes.  Of course I’m not a guy. The old adage stands, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. Heh. C’mon, you know it, in fact I remember even a mostly-evolved male of the species saying something about Palin being only worth watching if she were naked. Ewwwwww. Really? Really, really?  Even the Rude Pundit made an excellent video about not fucking Anne Coulter. And have you seen the Rude Pundit? You just know he isn’t getting much action. If he can be that picky, anyone can.

You  have to admit, the new herd of bimbo branded young haterz it is quite an image change from Nancy and Babs.

But I digress. Yes, I have actually no compunction about it being totally bitchy to laugh about how the Republican Party has tried to revitalize their image as Church Ladies and withered hags, by pushing forward skanky bottle blondes and putting them on Fox News on low chairs with short skirts so their legs have to bunch the skimpy material dangerously high. I have no problem with them replacing big haired Tammy Fayes with ratted hair Sarah Palins, equally war painted, and pushing her 5 child knee knockers painfully high in 5 wire bras. Again ewwwwwwwwww.  So as a paragon of un-hotness myself, is it sour grapes for me to take a swipe at the Republican Skank brigade who are all better looking than me? Maybe so. But I would fuck myself, and do actually, and would not fuck them if I had a dick…. and its funny, nevertheless. We ugly chicks always have to get by with our wit and humor.

Lets play shall we?

Ok, lets do Palin. Rephrase, sorry. Lets talk about Palin’s doability.

Besides the thunder thighs, from a technical angle, she is average. Not un-pretty, I suppose, but her mannerism always say “all about me.”

Moreso, with her eyes, with her obvious killer instinct, her sneer would you put any appendage, let alone a prized appendage in this dangerous woman’s mouth? Can you say “bloodied stump?” This dogs bite will be even worse than her growl.

I rest my case.

VERDICT? NOT HOT

Now, Coulter? I agree with the Pundit. Now I understand that alternating between vapid, and scathing may be a turn on for men with serious Mommy issues, but still.

Now, I’m not saying she has a horse face and mule teeth, but leave a trail of sweet feed oats to your bed, and a bucket of Chablis in your room? You’re in.

Yes, she is thin and tall, but carries it bony and awkward, like she never grew into the legs she got as a “coult”, er filly, whatever. And the “bitch” look is never sexy. “Let me rail on you in high pitch screeds” is not really foreplay to me. She does have awesome hair though, what a waste. Even with a fistful of that great mane, she’d buck you off and stomp you into a bloody pulp in the corner of her stall.

VERDICT? NOT HOT

Michele Malkin? Are you kidding me? I am fairly sure no one I know would want to be first in this uncharted territory, for I am reasonably sure that she has never been laid. Her whipped husband stays at homes and raises the children she invoked through a Satanic ritual and hatched by the dark of a new moon. I can tell, honest. Here’s why: The woman would criticize her own orgasm, and yell at her own vagina for daring to become wet. Don’t let the rare dimple showing fool you; it is only a lure to get people close enough to dig her sharpened fangs into their throats. Pleasure is BAD in her world, other than the pleasure of evisceration.

Unless you were a total flay me alive masochist, I cannot imagine this thing turning you on.

VERDICT? NOT HOT

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, I get it. Those are some ginormus tits. And her face is pleasing enough below her beautiful blond cupcake hair. Now if only she would quit dying her roots black. I know Catholic girls are supposed to be the wildest when they finally are allowed to discover sex and all (I can personally attest to that, can I get an amen!) but all she has to do is open her prudish mouth, and you know hours of begging is not only foreplay for Jewish women anymore. Lights OFF! Missionary Position only! if she moved at all, it would only be to ask, “Is it over yet?” and then would jump up saying “Yuck, you got some on meeeeeeeee!” to shower with a brillo pad. That is how an encounter with Elisabeth would go.

Maybe its just me, but I would only want to fuck someone who enjoyed fucking. One doesn’t moan “Grooooooss!” instead of, “Oh my GAHHHD!” She is a self-righteous, judgmental ice queen, and unless you have a penile pump, and can fill it with antifreeze, so it doesn’t crack off with the glacier’s relentless ‘keep it out of me’ squeeze, I’d give this one a thumbs down. Cute-ish, but totally unsexy.

VERDICT? NOT HOT

Now, it was suggested to add Cindy McCain to my list. Nope. Won’t.

Because to me? Cindy’s eyes always look like she is somehow damaged. In pain. Sure she carries herself stiffly and is cold-looking. But I give her a pass. She doesn’t look like she chose the knife to youthify her face, and after being called a cunt publicly by her own husband, hell, being married to her own husband she has been punished enough.

Maybe she is a controlling rich bitch; but just maybe she is bitter for good reason. Many times, she looks as sad as she looks hard.

VERDICT? Not my type personally, but I have a heart. She gets a pass.

So yeah, looks aren’t everything, attitude is. Attitude and looks probably helps, but I get by with attitude, LOL, so I couldn’t speak to that. In the end? I don’t think there is a right wing man who is remotely hot either.

But women are more cerebral in their sexual choices, methinks. But if I were a man stuck on a desert island with one of the bitches above, I’d swim and take my chances with the sharks before I’d do any of those chicks. I’d do a bee infested knot hole in a tree first, and even if I had no hands, I’d coat it in smushed up banana and call a monkey to do the work if I had to, before I’d bonk one of the right wing bimbettes from hell.

Also, a healthy sex life is just as important. God or Nature or possibly Reptilians gave us genitals and having our dicks and coots toyed with is a biological imperative. Without genital stimulation, we become loathsome creatures huddled in darkness.

Or this.

And as if you hadn’t realized this already, Vanity Fair has just shown the world that Sarah Palin satisfies neither of the above requirements needed to, ya know, not be a monstrous cunt.

The VF article, written by Michael Joseph Gross, looks beneath Palin’s bubbly conservative exterior and reveals that the woman is, basically, a giant dick. Alaskans who knew her are terrified to speak ill of her, and not because her critics are just wine sipping liberals fearful of the great patriotic fist of Real America: They’re afraid they’ll lose their jobs, especially if they work for the state or local governments. Ex-Palin aides from her time as mayor and governor claim the putz was a non-entity during things like budget meetings, because she didn’t “understand math or accounting – she only knows buzzwords, like ‘balanced budget’.”

Gross goes on to tell us how, as Palin jumped into the national spotlight, her cuntiness rose to untold degrees; even one of her kids supposedly freaked out on her so-called Christianity, claiming Palin was a fraud. Wasilla locals claim all her fishing and hunting talk is, well, a complete load of Alaskan meth-addict turds.

And, dear readers, this is what happens when we decide we’re going to be something other than what we are. Just as Palin became more and more of a dick as she was striving to become something she wasn’t, we sane and humble non-Real Americans and faggoty leftist cheese-eaters are just as prone to becoming massive turds of queefly dickheadedness when we push ourselves into a life-consuming lie.

Let’s not forget about our biological need for booty and plenty of it, because Gross points toward All American Trophy Husband (and object of my sympathy) Todd Palin, who more or less claims he doesn’t get laid ever. This is surprising to me, dear readers, because although Sarah Palin sickens me to no end, I used to imagine the woman’s sexual performance would mirror that of so many Type-A women, which basically means she’d hate-fuck you until your sperm fled the sack.

Hopefully your sperm doesn't look like this.

Now you might think the Palin Bedroom of Non-Coitus is none of our business but, dear reader, it most certainly is; when a public figure who influences our national discourse – and might very well run for president – has a terrible sex life, that public figure is likely to turn into a poisonous leader. And look at the folks who spew the most vile, hateful vitriol in America. Do Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sharon “Frying Pan Face” Angle really seem like they’re on the receiving end of a healthy blowjob on a regular basis? They absolutely don’t, and it’s no secret that people who have healthy sex lives tend to be more compassionate and open-minded than those who don’t.

And when you think about it, it’s a damn shame: Disgustingly dingleberryish as her ideas are, we can agree that there is nary a more fuckable political figure than Sarah Palin, yet she doesn’t get laid. It is certainly a testament to the evangelical Christians’ duty to make sex as unappealing as possible.

They've done a pretty good job through the years.

So in closing, we can all learn a thing or two about what makes a healthy, content life by looking at Sarah Palin. Pretending to be a wholesome, Christly, moose-hunting Real American when you’re nothing of the sort will only turn you into a bastard (even if you pretend to be a moose-slaughtering patriot for a fucking multi-million dollar deal with Fox). Then again, if being a Bible-thumping murderer of small wilderness creatures leads you to a content and healthy life, by all means, light up a doe or three and I’ll have some venison with you. Just be you, motherfuckers. And that’s an important corollary to getting laid, because pleasant folks are more likely to have others explore their crotches.

Be yourself and get laid. That goes for you too, Sarah.

Just be more like this. Please.

Fire, nature's aphrodisiac.

Anyway, I’ve heard numerous critiques of Em and Rihanna’s song “Love The Way You Lie”, many charging that the song glorifies the act of setting really hot women on fire. These critics willfully forget certain things about art, like perspective and context and the stream of consciousness style in favor of a cheap loudmouth critique. Although I just called an Eminem song ‘art’….ugh.

Falling back on the “You totally shouldn’t kill Rihanna” theme when analyzing the song reminds me of the Corboda House debate, otherwise known as the Ground Zero Mosque Clusterfuck, wherein everybody gets really mad because Muslims are all totally evil. Except all the charges against the Corboda House are inherently unconstitutional with the exception of the insensitivity argument, which is funny, because anti-PC conservatives bitch about the concept of sensitivity all the time (and, often, we don’t blame them). And since many of the anti-Mosque folks are also those Constitution lovin’ Tea Party types, expect a populist uprising in an effort to have an amendment added, giving American citizens the Constitutionally-protected right to get sand in their vaginae, just as long as they’re white Christians, because when white Christians are sensitive about something, it’s because they’re patriots. When blacks or Latinos are sensitive about a topic, it’s because they’re communists reared on the Great American Welfare Booby.

The link between the Corboda House and terrorism is bullshit, just as dubious as a link between Eminem’s song and a rising rate of attractive young singers being lit on fire. It’s what we call a logical fallacy: Terrorists blew up the WTC. Those terrorists were Muslims. Muslims want to build a community center two blocks away from the WTC. Therefore, Obama is a Muslim.

Obviously.

Yet efforts to link unrelated things happen all the time, just consider Gary Bauer’s article on Human Events, in which he makes the case that progressives and radical Islam have a lot in common.

Bauer’s extensive use of the logical fallacy is enough to give one a hard-on of anger. For example, Bauer argues: Progressives defend the separation of church and state. Radical Islam is opposed to Christianity. Therefore, progressives share a goal with radical Islam.

So, according to Bauer, radical Muslims are also going to cause a stir every Christmas about a goddamn plastic Baby Jesus on public property? All this time, Osama bin Laden just wanted Americans to remove “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance?

Also, radical Muslims love messenger bags.

This is the same flawed logic libertarians use when they attack the welfare state. Dear readers, many of you must have heard the old argument, “The first large welfare state was Germany under iron-fisted Kaiser Wilhelm, so the welfare state is inherently evil!” Which would be the same as if, oh I dunno, we had a cure for AIDS but didn’t use it because Hitler invented it.

The same bullshittified logic is often extended to sex and porn, although all matters pertaining to one’s underwear, or lack thereof, are often clouded by religious stick-up-the-assness: People are conditioned by the priests and preachers to be disturbed by folks who lead healthy sex lives, so when the God Squad attacks sexual freedom it’s not only under the tent of flawed logic, but the core argument is composed of religious wackjobbery and fairy tales.

Of course, no amount of bitching on this subject is going to change anything. The world is, sadly, dominated by either stupid people or leaders who manipulate stupid people. There is no solution, save for a zombie apocalypse, which the Tea Party would probably blame on Obama anyway. My advice? Fuck as often as possible, build a Mosque near a mega-church, and dress up like a 19^th Century German soldier while handing out food stamps to poor people.

Same color scheme, though.

Yet when folks rely on symbolism, they tend to forget about logic. I can stand on the corner waving Old Glory with a bald eagle on my shoulder, and that doesn’t mean I know shit about America. In fact, it only means that I’m loitering on public land with my cock hanging out (because that time I was totally talking about my penis).

By and large, logic is much more important than symbolism. Logic, however, isn’t nearly as popular. Citizens will often respond more positively to, say, images of the Lincoln Memorial than they will to faggoty things like math, philosophy, and critical thought. Nobody falls to their knees and speaks in tongues when they read about Charles Darwin. But show a fundie just one nacho that sort of looks like Christ and they go batshit for hours.

American flags, yellow ribbons, eagles, and those fucking insufferable ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flags have been robbed of any meaning they may have had. And this isn’t a recent incident, since knuckleheaded Americans have been perverting our nation’s symbols since we decided to have symbols in the first place. Many folks out there look at the fifty stars and thirteen stripes (which everyone knows are for luck) and say to themselves, “This flag isn’t for Muslims.”

Abbie Hoffman famously turned our flag into a shirt. Hoffman’s fashion should have been considered criminal, not for breaking any nancy-pants (and unconstitutional) flag desecration laws, but because Hoffman started Americans on a slippery slope toward the most retarded of all fashion choices, the novelty T-shirt.

Thanks, Abbie.

Anyway, Hoffman looked at our flag and thought, “Instead of changing the tone of national discourse with logic and intelligence, I’m gonna get high, fuck a co-ed, and try to levitate the Pentagon.” And that sounds like a great Saturday night, but the general idea isn’t so hot when one considers that Hoffman and Co. possibly drove large chunks of the working-class left into warm old man breasts of Ronald Reagan.

Now the Tea Baggers have claimed a variety of national symbols, redefining their meanings into a mishmash of libertarian talking points, many of which weren’t that smart when Freddy Hayek was around and are still a trifle insane.

Pictured: Communism!

And if symbols can be such an awful thing in the context of a debate, why do folks continue to use them? Well, dear readers, for the same reason idiots with no argument (or idiots with no interest in listening to one) love one-liners so much. Every one-liner outside of a good Simpsons episode is pure evil, a tool of a demonic nature, whose only purpose is to dumb down an argument. One-liners and symbols are the reason so many right wingers think every form of socialism will instantly turn America into a giant gulag, why so many lefties think every form of capitalism will instantly turn America into a poisonous wasteland full of morbidly obese Walmart shoppers.

Well...

So we’re fresh off Glenn Beck’s rally of retardation, a miasma of American flags, Martin Luther King’s niece, lapel pins, patriotic lingo, Martin Luther King’s niece, even more token black folks, and probably a few more flags. The result? Several hundred thousand attendees now believe they have totally restored honor to something, all by sashaying around Washington wrapped in symbols and listening to vaguely religious rhetoric. Yet they’ve accomplished nothing, at least in regards to their own intellectual advancement, because Beck’s agenda is rooted in a fundamentally limited spectrum of one-liners and symbols. They still think voting conservative and donating cash to Dick Armey is going to make America different, just like desperate lefties still think Obama’s ‘hope’ is going to fundamentally transform America because when Barry pushed his wimpy healthcare reform, he presumably painted his face red and blue while arguing semantics with members of Congress.

This is not a drawing.

The fact is, in the context of a debate, symbols can mean anything to anybody. Therefore, they’re worthless in an argument. Or worse, those symbols end up destroying the argument, because folks reared on flag-waving patriotism and “Morning In America” commercials don’t have much room in their patriotic little heads for actual thought.

I for one propose a solution for America’s dependence on symbolism and one-liners. Before any national debate on anything, all those who wish to argue or listen to an argument must first do the following: 1. Imbibe at least three drinks of an alcoholic nature and 2. Find a consenting adult with whom they must engage in oral sex. A slight buzz and the calming nature of post-orgasm relaxation can save America, dear friends.

More tits wouldn’t hurt, either.