Heh...fag.
Grab your issue of Men’s Health (it’s probably underneath one of your three 50 lb dumbbells or, possibly, in the brown paper bag where you stash your steroid needles) and look at that sexy motherfucker on the cover. Yeah, that guy, the one who does sit-ups until he farts out his own anus. I’m 100 percent certain that 85 percent of you have less than one-tenth of a chance of ever looking like that douche.
Every moment, the super duper American advertising machine throttles normal women and shoves the “ideal” female form down their throats, as if a normal broad has a shot of comparing to the half-starved, air-brushed skanks society has deemed sexiest. Well guys catch some of this shit, too. While not as bad as the unattainable image thrown at women, the ideal image for a man is much more dangerous, as that image may lead thousands of men to be smushed by a barbell. Or, at the very least, spend large chunks of their lives wondering what sort of low-fat beef paddy has the greatest protein value.
With enough protein and hard work, you...well, you'll probably still be fat.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being healthy. Being healthy is good, obviously. Nobody, not even those of us who indulge in more vices than we can count, wants to find themselves an alcoholic chain smoker with a stroke under their belt and a limp dick at age 35. But the rampant fitness craze, which is growing more prominent with every supermarket shelf dedicated to protein shakes, protein bars, and, eventually, protein depositories. Depositories that go up your anus. Clearly, this craze isn’t about health, it’s about appearance. And shit, we can’t find anything wrong with a guy who wants to look good naked…until that shit becomes an obsession.
Intelligent people are well-versed in the forgotten art of moderation. Yeah, moderation includes not stuffing yourself full of Pop Tarts every morning, yet it also includes a healthy moderation of your non-eating habits. For instance, a muscle head fitness freak who spends two hours at the gym each morning then dodders about the supermarket in search of whatever obscure vegetable Men’s Health told him to eat this month isn’t really living his life; he’s just boring himself stupid. Eating right to the point of compulsion and lifting heavy shit over your head might keep you in good shape, but we have to ask: When are you going to relax and enjoy yourself?
Men who spend insane amounts of time judging their bodies in front of a mirror suffer from the same self image and, consequently, inadequacy issues as women. In other words, you’re stressing yourself because you don’t look like the aforementioned sexy motherfucker on the cover of Men’s Health (and that guy’s probably just as air-brushed as the broad on the cover of Cosmo). And the part that makes this obsession ridiculous is that you don’t have to look like that guy in order to be content with yourself.
Guilty-tripping yourself because you gobbled down too many cheeseburgers after a long night at the bar isn’t healthy, even if you cure your hangover with two gallons of protein drinks and 45 minutes on the treadmill. Forcing yourself to diet and thus stressing yourself every night you sit down for dinner isn’t the way humans were meant to exist. Meanwhile, throwing your hard-earned cash into the pocket of a sniveling corporate dicksuck for an energy supplement that will most likely atomize your liver in ten years isn’t such a good idea either.
Chip's energy supplement.
The fitness craze among men is just another symptom of our sick consumer culture. We, the worker bees, are sold an image that few of us could hope to mirror. We’re told that if we pump enough iron and throw down just a few thousand dollars for wacky health food and energy shots, we too could become MMA fighters. Except that we won’t. And while we’re working on that unattainable goal, we forget that we’re usually fine the way we are.
Plus, cheeseburgers and beer are a lot better than sit-ups. A lot better.
Were you expecting a pic of a cheeseburger? Well, so were we.
0 Responses
Stay in touch with the conversation, subscribe to the RSS feed for comments on this post.