Writer Douches

Pictured: Creativity

We’re all accustomed to douchebags, at least the usual douches; the douchey swinging dicks with popped collars are bad, the trust fund frat scum are worse, with varying levels of douchbaggery sprinkled among our population so that God can laugh at our migraines. However, doucheness isn’t limited to alpha males and arrogant rich boys. For example, writer douches are some of the most annoying in existence.

If you, dear reader, have spent any time in college, you’ve come across a writer douche. Keep in mind that a writer douche isn’t necessarily a writer at all, but just a self-centered asshole who fancies himself a writer. Perhaps he wrote something once, or he might even be somewhat talented, but that’s all secondary to his goal of looking, sounding, and acting like a writer.

To look like a writer, the writer douche meticulously dresses himself in a manner that implies he spent no time at all thinking of what clothes he was going to wear today. Many of these douches take the totally noncomformist and unique hipster route in regards to fashion, but not always. Scarfs are optional, but often employed in their fashion habits because scarfs are a sign that they’re intelligent, creative, and more interesting than you (because you’re not a writer). Facial hair is very important to the writer douche since a poorly groomed beard shows that he hasn’t the time to properly manage his hygiene, as he’s too busy being creative.

So unlike Hemingway, who could literally fuck your girlfriend with his beard.

The writer douche’s conversational tactics are dedicated to letting the listener know how creative and unique he is. Generally he’ll do this by talking about movies and literature you’ve never heard of because the writer douche, as a totally unique and creative writer, has better taste than you. He’ll casually find faults in your favorite movie, should you happen to talk about it, and conclude with backhanded comments that imply you’re not as intelligent or unique as he because you liked Die Hard 3 better than Pi, or because you prefer Stephen King over Gertrude Stein.

To act like a writer, the writer douche combines his fashion and talking points with a general sense of finger-snappingly sickening writer douche posturing. He’s likely to carry a laptop with him everywhere he goes. Don’t be surprised if you don’t see him writing because chances are that he rarely writes at all. Of course, he doesn’t have to, because the first draft of his screenplay is a true gem that requires no further work and his short story about hookers with hearts of gold was almost published in his college’s lit mag and would have been if the editors weren’t so devoid of taste (unlike the writer douche, who has taste falling out his asshole).

These guys don’t become douches because they’re writers as much as they become writers because they’re douches. Being a writer is a very easy way to get attention from others, mainly because they’ll often assume that the douche’s implied uniqueness and creativity are genuine. The only way to discover that the douche is indeed a shitty writer is by reading his shitty writing, a task few sane people would undertake. That’s just fine with the writer douche, of course, because he doesn’t care if you read his crap or not, as long as you remember that he’s a very unique and creative person.

Writers are to be taken very seriously.

Then again, some writer douches will insist that others read their crap. Should you find yourself in this position yet aren’t completely sure that the douchey fuck is actually a bona fide writer douche, take an hour or so and read his fiction. It will no doubt contain various cliches or, possibly, straight up plagiarism. You can’t blame the douche for such lazy writing, as it’s difficult to write well while sipping coffee in a Starbucks (or if that’s too mainstream, a hipster latte dump in a gentrified urban neighborhood). Coffee shops have many distractions that will adversely impact the douche’s ability to write well, but unfortunately this is an unavoidable consequence since it’s paramount that others witness the writer douche writing.

Dear reader, if you are a writer, be careful not to fall into writer douchebaggery.

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