Vatican Ushers: Fantabulous.
We should all feel very bad for Angelo Balducci, an usher – not a priest – at the Vatican. Balducci was totally ‘busted’ for attempting to procure gay prostitutes from a Vatican choir boy, who happens to be 29 years old, which made me wonder what kind of guy who’s a cunt hair away from 30 becomes a choir boy, but that’s another article entirely. To be fair, Balducci is married man and, given his penchant for cheating on his wife with dudes, we can safely say that Balducci is a bastard. Balducci, however, isn’t really the issue here.
The media (in particular, the AOL News homepage, where I stole this story) has labeled this event a ‘Vatican Sex Scandal’. It will doubtlessly send shockwaves through Catholicism. For the love of God, Balducci was in the Pope’s inner circle! Although, one has to wonder why an usher is considered part of the Pope’s inner circle. Don’t ushers just kind of stand there?
Well, not this Usher.
Of course, his Holiness – wrinkled douche that he is – promptly fired Balducci and expelled him from the Vatican. This is odd when you consider that Balducci was just an usher who was trying to get laid…by adult prostitutes. It turns out that the sweep-this-shit-under-the-rug approach that the Catholic church employs so often whenever a priest fucks a child doesn’t apply to a loyal member of Pope Benedict’s inner circle who committed the heinous crime of getting his noodle wet with another consenting adult. And though the media is framing this story as an embarrassment for the Vatican, Lib Porn contends that Pope Benny and the higher-ups in the Catholic church are absolutely digging this development.
Why shouldn’t they? Benny and Co. have just shown the world that they won’t tolerate sexual goings on in their house. Not even for a moment, motherfuckers! Being gay is a goddamn sin and they tossed that homo quicker than you can say “Spirito Santi”. Big ups to the bishops, cardinals, and the rest of ya’ll, Big Daddy Benedict, gettin’ shit DONE.
"Woke up quick at about noon, just thought I had to be in Compton soon."
Except these rat fuckers that run the Catholic church are a bunch of scumbags. Sure, we can understand their reactionary social views, since they are, after all, religious people. The sexism? Well, Catholicism is pretty old and feminism isn’t relatively new, so I guess we can understand that, too. As for the Holocaust-ignoring bastards in the Vatican back in the ’40s, perhaps we can chalk that up to a fear of getting Luftwaffe-tized. But for years the victims of horny priests have been silence by an institution that, despite any pious facade, is just as corrupt as any other profit-seeking entity that cares more about public appearance than the well being of their rank and file. The rank and file in this case being altar boys, students, and any poor Catholic kid unlucky enough to be cornered by a sick old man wearing a collar.
Forget about Angelo Balducci. The Vatican and, to a lesser degree, Italian law enforcement will probably nail this guy to a wall in an effort to show the world how seriously the Vatican is about criminal activity (in this case, trying to pick up a few gay hookers). Yet this is a load of shit. If the Vatican was that serious, they would stop protecting the various pedophile scumbags within their organization who give everyday priests, who we believe are generally good men, a bad name.
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