Terrorize this.
P.J. O’Rourke — “Seriousness is just stupidity sent to college.”
…or, in Bossier Parish, Louisiana, sent to a paramilitary training school run by (and we’re not making this up) the former president of an organization of police officers called (get ready for it) Cops for Christ. Bossier town sheriff Larry Deen has started Operation Exodus, a militia-like program to train ordinary townsfolk to totally fuck up Osama bin Laden, assuming bin Laden visits Bossier.
As opposed to cops who aren't for Christ.
Sheriff Deen and the 200 volunteers for Operation Exodus are, obviously, terrified of terrorists. Unlike we wine sipping east coasters, who no doubt want all agents of terror to be pampered and hugged as we tell them how much we value their religious and cultural views, the Operation Exodus bad asses are ready to kill some motherfuckers. But one has to ponder the probability of a swarm of bug-eyed, Quran-clutching Islamic militants descending upon the God-fearing folk of Bossier Parish. Well, we at Lib Porn didn’t have to ponder for very long. We will use our super mind powers to predict that there is never, ever going to be a terrorist attack in Bossier Parish.
Osama's next target?
A super duperly retarded mixture of religious wackjobbery and unrelenting small town conservative fear of terrorist attacks makes stupid men do stupid things, like joining a paramilitary organization to defend a town with a population of just over 100,000 people. We don’t mean to disappoint Sheriff Dean or his bad ass paramilitary forces, but we can safely say that there will be no holy wars, nor any wars against freedom or even wars against those with southern accents (that war happened already), in Bossier Parish. Members of Operation Exodus have, sadly, watched too much Glenn Beck and too many movies. The only time a small town of wholesome Christian Americans has been overtaken by evil foreigners was in Red Dawn and those evil foreigners were godless Cuban and Russian communists, not the various Muhammad Mafiosi planning on killing infidels.
Furthermore, terrorists spend a lot of time and money planning their attacks. One has to believe that any man willing to totally explode himself will try to find a good target. Well, dear readers, go to Google Maps and locate Bossier Parish. Not only is Bossier Parish practically devoid of all signs of civilization, although you may see a few mega-churches or even shooting locations for True Blood, both of which would send even the most crazed terrorist running in fear. No, a batshit insane religious nut who is going to train and plan for the most awe inspiring attack on western civilization is most likely going to target a city. Sheriff Dean and other small town conservative dickholes don’t seem to understand that nobody wants to blow up their fucking town. American citizens most at risk for being terroristed to death are the supposed liberal softies in the big coastal cities.
Sheriff Dean and those cut from the same mold continue to show us sane folk what religion, fear, and, most dangerously, boredom can to do otherwise decent people. In short, they become way too serious. Sheriff Dean was so serious about his town’s non-existent terrorists that Bossier Parish will now have 200 armed men ready to spring into action should anyone with a turban or camel wander into the town limits. Or maybe just an Arab who, for whatever, reason, decided to torture himself by traveling to Bossier only to discover that a couple of militant, armed rednecks are following him. Because Arabs are likely to have exploding planes in their pocket, or some shit.
She may look adorable, but Sheriff Dean assures us that she'll kill you three times before you hit the ground.
We suggest that any pissy pants, bed-wetting, small town conservative suffering from paranoia come back to earth. Grab a beer and take it easy. Skip the mega-church sermons tomorrow morning and bone your old lady. After you’re sufficiently relaxed, take a walk around your neighborhood (without a gun, nightstick, or terrorist repellent pepper spray). Now really, aside from the closet KKK members and meth-addicted moonshiners huddling in the woods, do you see anyone that poses as a threat to your way of life?
Actually, you just might. Men like Sheriff Dean who want to form barely-trained posses to fight phantom terrorists trying to burn down their town’s church are doing just what the real terrorists want. The douchebags who airplaned the shit out of us on 9/11 wanted to disrupt our way of life, get our attention, and, essentially, scare us to death. That’s what terrorism is all about. It isn’t about sending waves of foreign soldiers over our borders to topple our country, it’s about forcing everyday civilians like Sheriff Dean to shake in their cowboy boots.
Side Note: Operation Exodus seems to have no requirements for their rank-and-file. We’re not talking about ex-military men with training. We’re talking about these guys (actual photo of Operation Exodus training):
The elite warriors of Operation Exodus.
Fat old rednecks armed with .50 caliber guns patrolling a small southern town for terrorists?
“(Islamic terrorists) have been in and out,” a spokesman for Deen says. “A lot of our intelligence information has come in conjunction with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies.” When asked about this ‘intelligence’, the FBI Louisiana field office said they ‘would look into it’, which is sort of like when you ask a girl on a date and she says, “Yeah um…maybe.” The spokesman then went on to admit that they had little-to-no evidence of an imminent threat. This threat, Deen’s spokesman says, “came from tidbits”…at a time, we must add, that small town folk are more paranoid than ever. Given the fearful attitude of small town America in the Obama era, this is equivalent of thinking that the Ayatollah is hiding under your bed when Jimmy Carter was elected.
Christ. At least the Minutemen on the border are hunting people who actually exist.
Cops for Christ is a very serious organization of former police officers who believe in Jesus Christ. If Jesus Christ were to come back to Earth and do it all over again instead of being a carpenter he would be a cop.
And he would wear lots of buttons on his clothing when he was off duty.
Heh, I’m totally diggin your comments, Mr. Piddy.