Obama's most trusted advisor.
And lo, President Obama has, according to the right, smashed traditional American values with a death blow by bowing to the Emperor of Japan. That vast American demographic, which we’ll call Goddamn Bloody Fucking Idiots, have concluded that at any moment the Japanese Imperial Army will crash out of the Pacific and slam into the West coast under the command of iron fisted super poltergeist, the ghost of Hirohito.
As we all know, this isn’t the first time those far left loonies in the White House have acted like total pansies in the face of the Japanese. Harry Truman, for instance, totally pussied out when he opted not to nuke Japan a third time, despite their surrender. Roosevelt was no better; those internment camps were little more than cushy vacation houses, a temporary stay in total comfort which facilitated that massive Japanese-American uprising that almost lost us the war, and possibly harbored terrorists during one of those pesky Trade Center attacks, although I’m not sure which one.
Regardless, we should now brace for attack. The federal government will do nothing to halt the advance of the oncoming Japanese menace, because Obama clearly has a hard on for the Japanese Emperor, and I doubt conventional weaponry will harm the supernatural mega-soldiers of ancient warrior lineage who are certainly demonic and unnatural. Video game systems will become sentient and consume us all. Hello Kitty watches, which clearly function as mind control devices, will send preteen girls into murderous frenzies. I am, at this very moment, trying to fight off my Nintendo Wii.
The Japanese clearly won't spare women or children.
I, for one, welcome our Japanese overlords. I’d like to remind them that as trusted public figures, the Lib Porn team can help rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
This is all very un-American, of course. Obama’s bow to the bloodthirsty Japanese tyrant goes against years of American tradition, in which we regard anyone who isn’t American, even leaders of foreign countries, as subhuman animals that should be treated like apes or, even worse, Irishmen. Common patriotic sentiment in this country demands that we browbeat foreign leaders because, clearly, if those leaders traveled to the States, they would doubtlessly be qualified for nothing more than a cashier’s job at a convenience store, which isn’t so bad really, since the foreign dude at the corner store in my neighborhood has on several occasions claimed to be the deposed king of Uzbekistan. I have yet to check the validity of his claims, as there is no Wikipedia entry on the subject of exiled Uzbek royalty.
But anyway, back to the doomed fate of America. Erm, yeah…Japanese are evil…emperors…bowing…SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Holy Christ. So it’s come to this, right? Jesus motherfucking Christ, you fucking idiots! After watching Dubya give Saudi princes reach-arounds for eight years, the entirety of the right are now crapping their pants because Barack bowed to some Japanese dude in an effort to be polite. For the love of all that is right in the world, shut the fuck up. Should American leaders not shake hands with Argentinian delegates due to all those crusted Nazi war criminals on vacation there? Should we thumb our noses at the English and restart the Revolutionary War? Oh, but no, this is different: Obama bowed to a foreigner, so, logically, that means the entire world will see us as pussyfoot pansies and destroy us in one fell swoop.
Ahem.
That is all.
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