Safety Nazis and the Smoking Internet Baby

No matter how you look at it, a baby smoking is really funny.

It’s official. The International Safety Nazis (ISN) of the world have declared that you can no longer have any sort of fun with your very own baby. Recently, the ISNs were super pissed that a teenage British mother posted pictures of her toddler with (gasp!) an unlit cigarette in his mouth. The ISN who saw the photo immediately called the British police, who sprinted to the mother’s house with their funny British cop ‘helmets’ and nightsticks. Unfortunately for the ISNs, the mother was not, apparently, kicking her child in the face upon the police’s arrival and the authorities saw no reason to believe the child was in any danger.

This is all incredibly gay. It’s gay that someone called the police on the mother, it’s gay that semi-professional news outlets are reporting the story, which, in a weird way, makes Liberating Porn gay for posting about what we will now call the Newport Baby. As unrelentingly gay as this all is, it’s even gayer than for some reason we can no longer dress up, decorate, or pose our children in the funniest manner possible.

Actually, this one might be a bad idea.

Babies are, by nature, pretty dumb. They don’t know anything and especially don’t understand how stupid we can make them look. As full grown human beings, it’s our evolutionary right as superior organisms to make jackasses out of our offspring, at least until they’re old enough to creep money out of our wallets, poison our beers, or get pregnant. For instance, I was a fat child. My father would often call me “bitch tits” and although there were no social networking sites in 1989, he would have doubtlessly dressed me as a girl then posted the pictures for the world to see (as I sobbed tears of baby horror onto my flubby bitch tits) had there been a Facebook at the time. And you know what? I would have turned out fine, or at the very least, no more fucked up than I am now. My point is, babies are too stupid to know when we’re really making fun of them. And fuck them if they can’t take a joke.

And, may I point out, the goddamn cigarette wasn’t even lit. Newport Baby is not a chain smoker. (By the way, if Newport Baby becomes a chain smoker, his mother should be punished for giving him a Newport 100 brand cigarette; 100s are a waste of time because, as a smoker myself, I’ve found that 100s taste like diluted crap with more fiberglass than tobacco, and if you’re going to give yourself lung cancer, you might as well do it with a decent cigarette.)

Contrary to popular belief, a single cigarette will not give you full body cancer. Although we’re told to believe that tobacco products will assume sentience then rise up and enslave humanity in a cloud of smoke, one cigarette won’t kill you. Getting addicted to nicotine isn’t even that easy; to do so, you have to make a concerted effort to plow through sickening lung-fulls of smoke that, in the beginning of your journey into addiction, will make you lightheaded and nauseous. Furthermore, an unlit cigarette won’t do a damn thing to you or, as fate would have it, your toddler. In fact, a toddler who waddles around preschool with an unlit Newport dangling from his stupid baby lips will grow up just as healthy as any non-smoking baby. The ISNs forget that cigarettes, like most other forms of matter, only produce smoke when lit on fire. And unless a very small bolt of lightning strikes the end of Newport Baby’s cigarette, there’s not much of a chance that he’ll be puffing any time soon.

I for one would like to see the ISNs separated from the rest of us. As human beings, we have the right to do as we wish with our offspring if it causes them no harm. (Physical harm, anyway. The crippling emotional stress I feel when I hear the term “bitch tits” still results in hours upon hours of sobbing emotional agony.) Honestly, unlit cigarettes are nothing to be worried about when compared to the myriad horrors of toddlerhood. Shitty cartoons are much worse, not to mention The Wiggles, who are no doubt a gang of child-abducting man-children who will turn any baby’s brain to mush. Given the entertainment we deem appropriate for our babies, we already consider them to be lowly beings with poorly developed minds. If we’re already putting them through The Wiggles, what’s wrong with a pack of smokes?

Child appropriate?

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