Evidence That Porn Is Good For You

Watching Ms. Olson in action might be good for you. No, seriously.

Finally, psychologists are on our side. After years of telling us that Lib Porn’s numerous threats against Chinese sovereignty were symptoms of crippling depression and rage issues, we can finally say, “Yo psychology, good lookin’ bro.” More specifically, to psychologizers Gert Martin Hald and Neil M. Malamuth, you’ve done the world a solid by showing evidence that porn is good for us.

Now, this is the moment where some of our more hostile readers forget that there are several more paragraphs of Lib Porn awesomeness included in this article and head to the comment box to tell us how we’re sexist, retarded, and probably masturbating right now. (Actually, only two of those assumptions are correct; tune in tomorrow to find out which!) Angry anti-porn feminists will spout angry anti-porn propaganda, during which they’ll equate fucking on camera with rape and “prove” that no woman anywhere wants a big dong in her box. Prudish religious types will take a less intellectually curious route and state that watching porn will inevitably lead to viewers burning in hell (right next to Jerry “Three Chins” Falwell…zing!).

However, Hald and Malamuth, the aforementioned psychologizers, conducted a study with a few hundred average Danish people and, after insulting them time and again for Denmark essentially being an extension of Germany’s penis, found that the subjects who watched pornography had happier and healthier outlooks on sex, the opposite gender, and life in general. Mind you, we’re not talking about sissy porn, ie that weak tea nudity on basic cable or boring “erotica” art shows. Hald and Malamuth focused on hardcore porn.

An uninformed prude or anti-porn douchebag (or even sane people, as both Mitch and I pondered this as well) might contend that the study was biased. And guess what? It was. Just not the way you would think. Neil M. Malamuth has for years argued against pornography and proposed that porn was in indeed harmful. Despite the findings of this study, Malamuth hasn’t changed his opinions on porn; he still thinks that it’s naughty garbage, although he admits that it’s naughty garbage that can give a person a healthier outlook on life.

This shouldn’t be surprising. Sex is a good thing, and porn is just sex wrapped up for your entertainment. A main argument against pornography is that it shows an unrealistic portrayal of sexual activity. Well no shit. Porn is, at its core, just entertainment. Few of us would pay to watch normal people have sex because that would be tremendously boring. To say that porn’s unrealistic portrayal of sex is damaging to viewers is a dubious argument. For example, Die Hard is about a cop. But anyone with half a brain knows that no police officers do what Bruce Willis does. Does this unrealistic portrayal of law enforcement cause any damage?

Oh. Well, maybe...

Anyone who has attempted some of the more adventurous positions presented in pornography will quickly understand that adult entertainment isn’t as awesome in real life. That’s because most sex positions in porn are set up so the viewer gets the best angle. These positions make for an awesome viewing experience, but in real life, you’ll end up with a broken hip and a fractured penis. Those awesome fucking positions are the porn equivalent of Bruce Willis jumping off of exploding buildings while dangling from a fire hose. Sure, it looks cool, but I doubt many cops would try it.

Then again...

So please, anti-porn nuts, give the porn-viewing audience some credit; we know that porn is a form of entertainment. And now we have evidence that our favorite form of entertainment just might be good for us.

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