Porn?
Well okay, nobody got murdered, but in Menifee, California a parent was horrified to discover that their child’s copy of the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary included the definition of the term “oral sex”. Said parent complained to the school, presumably while clutching a crucifix or locking their child in a chastity belt, and the weak-kneed school officials promptly banned the dictionary.
Some parents in Menifee have echoed that horror. Nobody wants their kids looking up naughty terms in the dictionary, even though kids are more likely to look up those terms on the Internet, and the Internet, despite the existence of Dictionary.com, is much better at providing visual aides as opposed to written definitions. And we all remember our school days, when there was at least one child, generally the first kid to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom or the first to get suspended for jumping on his/her desk and yelling “Masterbernation!”, who had carnal knowledge beyond his/her years. Back in my day, that kid was usually the one whose parents sprung for illegal cable and delved jubilantly into the wonders of the nudie channel. (Ah, how transfixed I was on the wonders of softcore porn as a child.)
However, those poor kids in Menifee probably won’t grow to be chronic masterbernaterz or sexual deviants even if the dictionary with the dirty words isn’t banned. Kids around the world are entranced by sex, bad words, and the age old question, “So did my mom really fuck a stork?” Every kid, with the possible exception of the impossibly mind-warped offspring of Christian and Islamic fundamentalist parents, gets super excited (not to mention interested) by the myriad wonders of sex. It’s pretty natural. We are, after all, hardwired to fuck. It’s nature, bitches. Most kids don’t turn out to be sexual deviants, regardless of what type of pornographic smut they find in the dictionary. They do, however, learn to imitate their parents.
What’s worse? A child who figures out what a blowjob is, or a child who learns that when you disagree with a view, an opinion, or – God help us – a motherfucking dictionary, you ban the supposed offensive material? Last time I checked, Menifee, California was located in the US. I don’t know how they do shit in Islamabad, but here, we’re not supposed to ban books. Our kids are going to inherit an extremely wacky America one day; an America that has already seen its civil liberties and Constitution pissed on repeatedly by the Patriot Act, during which our leaders (and let’s not kid ourselves, our citizens, too) decided that it’s cool to forget about some essential freedoms because a few bearded douchebags might try to crash another plane into something. Our kids have to learn that free speech matters, as does their ability to tolerate views (or in this case, freedom of…um, definitions of stuff) that they don’t like. The answer is tolerance, not a goddamn motherfucking book banning.
Sure, the “Blowjob In The Dictionary” controversy might be a more fertile breeding ground for debates on when a kid should learn about sex. But a fundamental idea of the American experiment is that of free speech and freedom of expression. Teaching even one child that book banning, and the subsequent censorship, is an acceptable course of action is rabidly anti-American and should be condemned by anyone who actually gives a rat’s ass about this country.
Then again, maybe the book banners wear American flag lapel pins. Everybody knows that flag lapel pins mean you’re a war hero, or something.
Except for Rambo...but he eventually joined the Taliban so nobody cares.
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