“What if your kid did porn?”

If you, dear readers, are like us (super duperly pro-porn and free love), then you’ve no doubt encountered a prude or prissy pants anti-porn numbskull who, after attacking your views every which way, attempts to stomp your argument to dust with that old deal-breaker: “Well, would you want your kid involved in pornography?”

Of course not, jackass, because child pornography is a form of sexual abuse. However, if this asshole is talking about our full grown adult children who, hopefully, have that unnatural ability to think critically and for themselves, then our answer might surprise you.

First of all porn, despite any mainstream acceptance the industry has found as of late, is still frowned upon by the majority. It’s a form of counterculture entertainment, much like folk and hippie music in the Sixties or grunge and gangster rap in the Nineties. No, porn actors rarely dress like Abbie Hoffman, nor do they scream about how sad the world is or say “Fuck the police,” although they often fuck other porn stars costumed as such. Porn is, simply, entertainment that the conservative mainstream isn’t accustomed to and therefore the mainstream finds it shocking. Basically, if your parents sent you to performing arts school, they’d be a trifle perturbed if you emerged as Flava Flav. (Actually, so would we. That guy’s an asshole.)

Contact Lib Porn if you wish to donate money toward helping the mentally challenged.

Aside from porn’s counterculture status, it’s also brow-beaten by the majority because it’s an extremely physical form of entertainment. Pro wrestlers face a similar perspective. Although most pornographic material doesn’t portray sexpots getting whacked in the head with various ringside objects and, honestly, the acting in porn is much better than the brain dead monologues spouted by The Undertaker, both industries make their cash with simulated physical acts. The majority laugh off pro wrestling as a fake sport or vilify it because they fear the simulated violence will inspire their children to have casket matches in the basement. Or wear fruity little tights, at the very least.

All of us are someone’s child (except for me, as I was created by a mixture of turtle DNA and a cannister of green ooze).

Pictured: Chip Witley (Me)

As children, we’re influenced by everything our parents do. Their prejudices, their quirks, and their habits rub off on us in a usually non-sexual way (except for Mitch…don’t ask why or he’ll start sobbing again). Our parents generally want us to climb at least one rung higher on the socioeconomic ladder than they did, so if your dad’s a forklift driver, he’ll probably be happy if you went to college and became an office manager. If your dad’s an investment banker, he’ll probably want you to become a senator. If your father’s a senator, he’ll probably want you to become the director of the CIA and sell RPGs to right-wing Chilean rebels. Parents don’t like their children to take, at least in their eyes, a step down on that socioeconomic ladder.

Your mom and dad don’t want you to be a ditch digger, even if you really love digging ditches. There’s nothing wrong with digging ditches, especially if you join a bloated International Ditch Diggers Union Local 274 and bash a few scabs in the skull (Hoffa would have wanted it that way). Hell, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, we believe that doing what you want with your life is totally awesome. Your parents, not to mention a variety of social standards created by television ads, guidance counselors, and Leave It To Beaver reruns, might not appreciate your dream job or anything else that might lead you to contentment. Some occupations are viewed as demeaning, especially when you consider the perceived status of that occupation. So your investment banker parents probably won’t like it if you say, “To hell with business school, I want to be a roofer.”

And this brings us back to that question: “Would you want your kid involved in pornography?” Our answer is this: Our kids should do something that helps them find contentment in their lives. Contentment, that forgotten cousin of happiness, is a severely underrated part of life. We often confuse (or substitute) contentment with financial success or social status. Fuck that shit. An honest and truly caring parent won’t force their child into an occupation or way of life that makes them miserable. An occupation in the porn industry, still much reviled despite any bit of mainstream acceptance, is no different from any other job once you strip away the puritanical and bullshitified standards that the higher-ups use to dictate our lives. Some might say that porn demeans people and, consequently, would demean our children. Well that’s their perspective, the same type of view that leads parents to frown upon their child’s job as a ditch digger.

If we really care for our kids, we’ll respect their views and standards they have for their own lives. Forcing one’s beliefs and prejudices on one’s children isn’t parenthood. It’s brainwashing. Or possibly a way to make robots.

Brainwashed robots.

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