You can call them many things. Anti-government, anti-incumbent, maybe even anti-traditional conservatives; but please, don’t call Glenn Beck and his hairy, under-sexed cretins in the Tea Party anti-establishment.

We’ve heard this term a lot since the Tea Baggers reared their wrinkled, reactionary, Viagra-munching heads into the limelight. The Baggers, their wave of populist, deep-seated anger of the working-classes coalescing into a movement which aims to elect more corporate rim jobbers who cause the working-classes all that deep-seated anger, although that’s cool, because the mostly white Baggers think Tyrone and his gosh darn Affirmative Action are what caused their employers to run to Mumbai.

Seeking to overthrow big government in favor of a supposedly wonderlandish libertarian society where everyone has their freedom of religion and property rights respected – unless they’re Muslims, of course – isn’t an anti-establishment idea. America’s true establishment isn’t usually found in our elected offices, or at least not to the degree the DingleBaggers believe it is. Our establishment is, and will remain, the wealthy corporate elite who truly and surely run this bitch. Politicians are, by and large, just the spokespeople for the elite, with few exceptions.

No, he's not an exception.

Today, after Glenn Beck and Co. sufficiently restored honor to things which did not have enough, I’ve already seen numerous references to the anti-establishment fervor among conservatives. Townhall, Fox News, and Human Events are just a few conservative outlets that enjoy using the term, as if Beck and the DingleBaggers were on the same level – in spirit and conviction, not ideologically –as the 60s counterculture. Well let’s look at this comparison.

– 60s counterculture: Lots of drugs, bored middle class white kids, a few middle class white kids who weren’t retarded being drowned out by those who were, lots of pissed off black people, more drugs, good sex, more pissed off black people, all aimed at bringing down an increasingly corporatist America.

– Tea Party Movement: Lots of Viagra and Cialis users, bored middle class white adults, a few middle class white adults who aren’t retarded bing drowned out by those who are, more middle class white people who are totally super angry at black people (especially black people who win elections), hardly any sex at all, laid off working-class white people who’d we sympathize with if they would just take 2 minutes to understand who really stole their jobs, all aimed at increasing the increasingly corporatist stylings of a Ronald Reagan fantasy land.

Which is a land where all rainbows look exactly like the American flag and only appear when aircraft carriers are present.

Despite the shared anti-establishment label, these two movements have absolutely nothing in common, and barely even that, because the Tea Party can’t be considered anti-establishment because as we’ve seen with Dick Armey and the Koch brothers, the establishment is funding the fucking movement. The only way the two movements could share a similarity would be if the CEO of Lockheed Martin went back in time to fund Huey Newton and Abbie Hoffman.

And though I hesitate to even examine the man, since I believe his charade is so obvious, Glenn Beck isn’t part of any political movement, at least not intentionally. The man is insane, either. He’s just a very popular talking head who realizes his talent for catching the ears of working folks and, as such, he’s raking in as much money as possible. If there was that much cash in actually opposing the real establishment, you could bet that Beck would be burning American flags right now. He doesn’t care about God, America, or small government. He just cares about paychecks.

Which is exactly how our real establishment operates. What a surprise.

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Today’s post will be short, because Mitch and I are, at the moment, waving American flags and giving high fives to Tea Baggers at Glenn Beck’s Restoring Honor Rally.

Glenn was right. It’s like a conservative Woodstock! But instead of dropping acid and getting laid, I read the Bible with a chick wearing a purity ring then dry humped her while she pretended to speak in tongues.

Of course, this rally isn’t political at all. Not even a little bit. Those pamphlets with Obama dressed as Hitler aren’t about politics, they’re about restoring honor to something which has insufficient levels of honor. I guess.

Certainly, Washington DC hasn’t seen such an influx of white people in years.

And what a fun atmosphere, with so many crotchety old people talking about how we should totally have more faith in God and bomb more brown countries. I keep hearing the term ‘divine providence’ and an overweight NRA member is showing off his diploma from Glenn Beck University. As a product of a Philadelphia community college, I can’t talk too much shit.

Sorry to cut this short, dear readers, but I have to go. Dick Armey’s about to staple a Lipton bag to my Revolutionary War hat.  (He’s so high!)

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There are two articles floating around the internet today – one from the Huff Post and another from Townhall – both centered on the topic of President Obama’s faith. One was an intelligent, thoughtful, and, yeah I admit, almost touching analysis on just what makes one a Christian. The other? Well it questions Obama’s faith while also reinforcing the lines of division between Christians and Muslims. Ten bucks if ya’ll can guess what article came from where.

Actually, even if you guessed right, you ain't gettin' shit.

The Huff Post article (the good one, if you haven’t guessed by now), written by Dick Staub, contains this insanely awesome sentence, dripping in super duperness: “Being born in a garage does not make you a car, being born in a rice shelter does not make you rice, being born in America does not make you Christian.” Furthermore, Staub goes on to write about how having Christian parents or a Christian upbringing – or, most importantly, praying everyday and calling yourself a Christian – does not automatically make you a Christian. This is important, because Staub is talking about the so-called Christians who constantly question President Obama’s faith.

Catholic-in-name-only as I am, I was thrilled to read Staub’s piece. So many of our modern Walmart-loving, mega-church flocking faithful in Real America have a distorted view of Christianity. To them, waving a sign with a dead baby on it while voting Republican and telling a homo he’s going to hell amounts to skipping happily past all the Rapture nonsense, hand-in-hand with J-Dog. And, disturbingly, these Walmart shoppers rail endlessly about religious freedom as long as that religious freedom applies almost exclusively to them, not to mention their phobia of any elected leader who doesn’t speak in tongues or handle snakes.

Because this was totally in the Bible.

David Limbaugh, writing the other ‘Is Obama a Christian?’ article for Townhall, says Obama “snubbed Christianity and Christian symbols while consistently espousing values inconsistent with the Bible ethic.” Because Jesus totally would have hated the Public Option, I guess. Limbaugh continues: “He has gone out of his way to glorify Islam…(he said) the Muslim call to prayer was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.” Throw in a little Reverend Wright, a sprinkle of black liberation theology (which obviously is centered on race, not Jesus), and boom, Limbaugh just can’t tell whether Obama is a Christian or a Muslim.

Dear readers, why does Obama’s – or any president’s – faith matter? As long as the president in question isn’t jamming his faith down our throats in the realm of domestic policy (like Dubya did when he used taxpayer money for a fuckload of faith-based initiatives) and sufficiently respects the separation of church and state, we shouldn’t care about his faith. There are more important matters to think about, like how the men in our highest office wage bullshit wars, give handjobs to corporations, and bitch out on healthcare reform.

These days, most folks, whether they’re true believers or agnostics, can agree that religion is fundamentally illogical. That’s why we call it ‘faith’. If religion is illogical, isn’t it just as illogical to vilify someone because they may or may not believe in the same interpretation of an Invisible Man in the Sky as you do?

Well yes, that certainly sounds illogical…unless the person you’re trying to vilify is your opponent. Especially if lots of folks on your side think he’s alien, not even an American. Because if your goal is to make your opponent look even more alien, even less similar to the slobbering bigots on your side, then those slobbering bigots will rally around you, perhaps even give your Townhall article lots of traffic. And in villainizing someone because they possibly believe in something other than what you believe in, you’re not being much of a Christian. Even if, like Staub said, you pray everyday and really really really love to tell everyone how you’re totally down with Jesus.

Final Note: Jesus wasn’t a bigot. Jesus wasn’t a businessman. I’m no true believer; I have absolutely no clue as to whether J-Dog was the son of God or not. But I do know that the dude walked around telling people to be nice to each other – hell, telling them they had a moral obligation to be nice to each other – while telling rich folks to fuck off. Son of God or not, that’s one cool motherfucker.

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Greeting, Lib Porn readers and random internet viewers who’ve stumbled upon us in a futile search for tentacle porn. Please excuse my less-than-formal tone this afternoon (although I don’t know how formal my usual tone can be, considering every fourth word I type is ‘fart’, ‘fuck’, or ‘fuckity fart dingleberry’.

The last few days I’ve been suffering an odd tooth ailment, which my boner-worthy dentist has deemed fucked up, but not infected enough for her to extract without me being in a fuckity fart-load of pain, even if I’m pumped full of Novocaine. Therefore, I must wait until the tooth is extraordinarily infected so the nerve isn’t as sensitive when she yanks it. Luckily, she provided me with enough Oxycodone to last a few days.

But unluckily, I’m also a recovering opiate addict, a subject I have gleefully joked about on Lib Porn time and again. At the moment I’m doped up to all hell, so excuse any errors in logic or extensive use of dingleberryish references of farts of the more fuckity persuasion.

Anyway, today I want to air my personal views on all forms of healthcare (and yes, given my plight, I’m including dentistry). This shit should be free. Whining bitch that I am — and also from a family with historically poor teeth, despite my almost obsessive flossing and brushing — I understand there are millions of Americans who face crippling pain every day. I am not suffering such pain, although I did have a strange encounter yesterday which made me think of those who are facing that type of unbearable anguish.

As my normal dentist was closed yesterday, I dragged myself to another, less welcoming dentist who usually caters to lower-income people in the neighborhood. Unlike my normal dentist, this cuntastic woman demands $100 dollars from patients before their seen. I witnessed an old woman, who had come into the office ahead of me, whimpering to see the dentist. Begging. She could scarcely talk. After the clerk at the front desk alerted the dentist to the woman’s anguish, the dentist appeared…and promptly told the woman that, without the $100 fee, she had to leave.

Now dear readers, you may think that I, along with Mitch, have raked in billions of dollars with our internet ventures. We have not, and I am just as uninsured as any of you. I also had to dip into my own pockets to pay the dentist’s fee…and she didn’t do shit. I asked her, “Can you just pull the tooth?” She says, “Yes, if you want. But not tonight.” I said, “Why not tonight? It’s 5:30 pm. Your sign says you’re open ’til 6.” She ignored me. I asked for my $100 back and she basically told me to go fuck myself.  Had I known this was going to happen, I would have given my money to the ailing old woman who had been ahead of me, but try as I might, I haven’t yet mastered the art of looking into the future.

Although I'm confident that the History Channel will eventually tell me how.

Now the Tea Baggishly arrogant argument (and, really, the argument of healthcare capitalists everywhere) demands the sick work to pay off their medical bills. I’m tapping into my Catholic upbringing by saying this, but such demands are a motherfucking mortal sin. Especially in country with as much wealth as America.

Imagine the folks out there who are suffering from certain forms of cancer but have no health insurance, the folks still required to punch a clock for their health. And their families; wives, husbands, and children goes bankrupt paying for their family members’ medical bills. There are people facing the very painful choice of paying the rent or paying medical bills, who supposedly make too much money to qualify for welfare.

Meanwhile, our so-called political leadership spends a fuckity fartload of our tax dollars to pay for: The upkeep of nuclear weapons, even more stealth bombers, private mercenary armies (making much more than our own soldiers, by the way), and god knows how many other military pet projects.

As a country, we need to look at ourselves honestly and consider what cutting just a fraction of our defense budget can pay for. I’m pretty sure that old woman in the dentist’s office could have paid that $100 fee a thousand times over for the price of arming and maintaining a tactical nuclear weapon which will most likely never be fired (not because the need may not arise, but because we have thousands of other nukes).

When I was a 20-year-old in community college and still covered by my father’s insurance, I was something of a libertarian (which came after my high school love affair with communism and Marxism, but just mere months before my ideological foray into, ya know, sanity). As a libertarian in a mostly black and liberal community college, I jubilantly espoused the virtues of bootstrappiness and “individualism” even though pretty much everyone I grew up with was either poor, working-class, or from a union family. I was sort of like Rand Paul, only instead of being the son an upper-middle class doctor-slash-politician, I was the son of working-class truck driver who happened to have decent health coverage. And as you may predict, dear readers, my libertarian leanings on healthcare vanished as soon as I was no longer eligible for my father’s health plan. Mind you, I worked my ass off my whole life. From the time I was 12, I’ve had a job. Except that none of those jobs provided health or dental insurance. (And no, the internet doesn’t give insurance to its dick joke writers. We checked.) So for people like you and I, who’ve done what America has asked us to do and worked our asses off, to be told “Sorry, if you fall ill to a certain number of diseases, you’re probably going to die or, at the very least, drown in debt” is a betrayal.

Just as I shifted ideologically from libertarianism (which pretends that being on your own in an increasingly corporatist state is a good thing) to a semi-socialist (we sane few who think the free market’s great when appropriate, but sickening and immoral when applied to basic necessities), I firmly believe the vast majority of conservatives, Tea Baggers, and libertarians would immediately change their views upon losing their health coverage. I don’t think any sane person without health insurance can actually hold such views. It’s like a person who hates the police refusing to dial 9-1-1 when a few gang rapists show up.

Except these guys are the gang rapists.

And if my position wasn’t clear (and it may not be, considering these painkillers have my head swimming), I’ll say it now: Raise taxes on the rich by 10% after the Shrubby Tax Cuts expire and cut defense spending by 10%. We’d still have the most badass military in the world. Our super-rich would still only pay some of the lowest high-income taxes in the world. Then, if we as a people can be as compassionate as we pretend to be, we could finally make sure all of our citizens have healthcare as well as dental coverage (even if we have to scrap an extra stealth bomber or two to give the  huddled, communist masses free root canals).

Meanwhile, let these assholes go without healthcare for 1 year, then ask them what they think.

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Greeting, dear readers. Here’s an article from our homie JackFlash, taking an interesting look at the internet, where it’s going, and why all of us angry, divided Americans just might be able to agree on a little of bit socialism. For more of Jack’s writing, go here.

Capitalism and the internet have been doing a sweet “give and take” dance since modems were made a standard accessory in our computers. The pop-up windows came and went and advertisers sort of settled on a less intrusive manner to get their name on the most traveled web sites. As internet speeds have been accelerating over the past few years the potential for advertising dollars has soared to irresistible heights for corporations, foundations, political groups and even small business, they’re all salivating to be the next in line for the newest advertising gimmick in internet programming.

At first sight this seems like a lot of nothing since you can’t see many of the products being sold, nothing more than bits of dots and dashes on a medium that is so fragile it’s destruction is relatively assured over time. Yet, consumers keep buying software and games, and now ring-tones and apps. Companies and other groups are now paying top dollar for their ads to appear on a search engine results page or on one of Yahoo’s pages.

Yahoo and Google both were started by young idealistic programmers with the intent of making the internet and it’s information accessible to everyone, for free. But, over the years neither could resist the call of wealth and power. Yahoo is now so loaded with ads and all sorts of tricks to get everyone to view the advertising that I quit using it years ago when I learned how to make my own home page with my own links on it, no advertising allowed.

The founders of Google had a much loftier goal, to catalog the wealth of information that was accumulating on the internet, and to see that everyone had equal access to it. They have more than accomplished that goal, but now, they might just be selling out to corporate greed and power. This week Google, along with Verizon submitted a proposal to the federal government for a two tiered internet. One level that would deliver content at high speed for those willing and able to pay the price, and a second level much slower for the rest of the nation.

The days of equal internet access may be coming to an end, brought to us, in part, by the company who pioneered and designed equal access for all to the world’s wealth of information, all in exchange for another, more tangible, wealth, the mighty dollar. Those young idealistic pioneers of the internet who had such lofty goals of bringing information to everyone in the world have evolved into thriving capitalists able to compete with the most viscous of wolves on Wall Street.

There is a silver lining, though. Conservatives and liberals now have a common issue to climb into bed with. From the ACLU to the fundamentalist Christian preachers, the NRA and liberal politicians, all united in their opposition to this proposal. I find this rather surprising that conservatives would be fighting against Capitalism, the shining light of the conservative movement, in favor of a more Socialistic form of internet access. Go figure.

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Dear readers, I am a dedicated advocate of PJ O’Rourke’s mentality that heads-of-state (or, in my case, uppity conservative webmasters and writers) are incapable of giving you the truth. O’Rourke, in the late 1980s, wrote: “Some people believe Mikhail Gorbachev will suddenly take them aside and say, ‘Strictly between you and me, on Wednesday we invade Finland.’” The point is, the higher you look on the hierarchy, the more pungent the bullshit.

Which is why I gleefully indulged a little FoxNews.com side story about Atlanta’s DEA branch posting job openings for folks fluent in Ebonics. Fox presented the story and – oh did I get a hard-on before seeing it – the Real Americans promptly flooded the comment section with borderline hate-speech about the uneducated jibber-jabbery ‘assault’ on the English language some folks call ‘Ebonics’.

Now, friends, your opinions on the existence of Ebonics, and whether or not Ebonics amounts to simply black slang or an actual dialect, is irrelevant. In truth, the FoxNews.com piece made no comment on the definition of Ebonics. That was left to the users leaving comments and, Christ, it’s one fuck of an entertaining read.

Before we delve into the maddeningly stupid reactions to the story, let’s for a moment consider why the DEA wants agents with an understanding of Ebonics. Is it because, as a few Fox readers commented, because Obama and all the Negroes in the White House now want to Africanize our population? If you’re Alex Jones, then yes.

"Have you ever wondered why I only drink distilled water?"

But if you’re not retarded, then the answer is no.

The DEA needs agents who understand Ebonics because they’re obviously listening to black drug dealers on wiretaps. Now, Real Americans out in the Heartland hawking apples pies along Main Street where the greatest criminal threat comes in the form of troublesome youngsters (with cowlicks and slingshots, no doubt) writing limericks on the side of a grain silo might not realize this, but urban drug dealers tend to speak in code when talking on the phone. Add an often region-specific black slang (or dialect, if you will) to the equation and that equals a lot of confused fucking DEA agents. Therefore, the DEA needs folks capable of understanding the voices on wiretaps.

Posters on FoxNews.com don’t seem to grasp the goal of the DEA’s help-wanted ad. Most of these Tea Baggishly flag-waving Red Staters seem to explode at the mere sight of the word ‘Ebonics’, forcing them into garbled, barely coherent rants about how blacks are totally stupid as are the liberal faggots who coddle them. The toxic racism within the comment section provides a lucid look at a portion of America that wishes more blacks folks were in prison.

Given their feelings on black folks, the Fox readers missed a valuable opportunity to have their race-terror eased. Because if the DEA is hiring agents who understand Ebonics, surely, more black drug dealers will be arrested via convictions through wiretaps. The DEA’s job openings don’t signal a blackward shift toward 50 Cent-like fellas running federal crime agencies. In fact, it has nothing to do with any shift of government…the lone exception being a shift toward logic.

Remember when the CIA had a shortage of Arab-speaking agents? Yeah, this is basically that. It’s exactly the same as hiring Italian speakers to track Mafia figures, or Russian speakers to lock up Siberian human traffickers. And again, let’s not get into an argument about whether Ebonics amounts to slang or an actual dialect (or, for that matter, the legitimacy of the War on Drugs): The point is, there are people out there who understand everything Lil Wayne says. And if Lil Wayne is wanted by police because he’s involved in a drug war, it would be nice if the authorities trying to catch him understood just what the fuck he was talking about in “Mr. Carter”.

So, dear readers, when Republican and Tea Bag talking heads blather on about how their rank-and-file totally isn’t racist, please witness their knee-jerk reactions when a term like Ebonics comes into the conversation. Surely, as O’Rourke believed, John Boner (spelled that way because the man is a dick) won’t pull you aside and say, “Yo, between you and me, I really hate niggers.”

"Also, I'm a pumpkin."

But listen to the faithful. You’ll get a sense of their true feelings. Although you may have to wade through 400 comments on FoxNews.com to get it.

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Yes, I typed "sexy light bulb" into Google Images.

Sinclair Lewis was wrong when he claimed fascism will come to America wrapped in Old Glory and waving a cross. As I’ve learned today, fascism is here and has come in the form of a vile, murderous entity: Light Bulb Nazis.

Our Marxo-Kenyanist government and the far left environmentalist radicals within it have iron fistedly decided incandescent light bulbs are bad and seek to push them out of the marketplace in favor of compact fluorescent bulbs, which communists have preferred for years.

Failure to comply with the Light Bulb Nazis will likely lead to a stint in a FEMA camp, Alex Jones assures me.

And the government’s light bulb fiasco is Marxism to the tenth degree, what its coming stranglehold on the light bulb industry, which is sure to result in lost jobs, violate our Constitutionally protected right to buy shitty light bulbs, and destroy the free market (at least the light bulb sector, anyway).

The Light Bulb Nazis, just like the Food Police and Trans-Fat Nazis, are extremely un-American because, really, our democracy and Constitution and Founding Fathers aren’t shit compared to the free market. Thankfully, patriotic heroes such as those of the Tea Party (who totally would have kicked a 9/11 hijacker’s ass, turned the plane toward Saudi Arabia, and leaped out to kick more terrorist ass, all while humming Toby Keith songs) will hopefully stand in the way of this tyrannical government attack against capitalism.

Americans value their freedom of choice, which is precisely why we jiggled for freedom as we railed against the anti-McDonald’s Nazis who every few years try to destroy our liberty in regards to shoveling as much poisonous slop down our sweaty gullets as we please. These same Americans – who totally aren’t like those nanny-state lovers, most of whom receive their light bulbs through welfare programs – will rise up and defend the freedom of the wholesome light bulb industry in the name of free market and freedom of choice.

And yes, we know what the America haters are going to say: If freedom of choice in the marketplace is so important, why not protest conglomerate mergers which force us to choose between a handful of banks, or energy companies, or information outlets?

Well, dear readers, you just tell those baby killers that, in accordance to the Rules of Capitalism (And By Extension America) written by Adam Smith – who historical revisionists claim was Scottish, although us Real Americans know he was born in the Heartland, just like Jesus and Ayn Rand – it’s totally evil when government limits even the most insignificant of our choices, like our Constitutionally protected choice to insulate our homes with asbestos and, by extension, our free markety freedom to not tell the illegal immigrants we’ve hired to build our homes that asbestos will kill them (because it’s the personal responsibility of those illegal immigrants to know when their employer is tearing their lungs to shreds; anything else is communism).

Yet when, say, Comcast and NBC merge into one company and further restrict the already shrinking number of outlets from which we receive information, well, that’s just the free market. Sure, our freedom of choice might be limited as a result of the merger, but, hey…shut the fuck up, communist. Go poop on the flag, or whatever it is communists do when they’re not tossing dead babies around at protests in Seattle.

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Dear friends, Civ in Peril usually comes in list format, detailing the various cracks in the pillars of Western Civilization in horrifyingly hilarious snippets. But this week, we at Lib Porn have noticed a story so unabashedly terrifying in its wholesome Bible-loving, Jesus-submitting type of way that we feel as though it is the most tremendous blow to Western Civilization this week.

Like this, only with less comedy and more awful music.

And the this terror is Christian Rock Concerts.

It seems soldiers in two army posts in Virginia have, for the last several years, been subjected to the unimaginable horror of mandatory attendance of Christian Rock Concerts. And no, these concerts aren’t planned by any military chaplains – who totally have the ability to facilitate festivals of crappy music laced with Christly demagoguery – but by Major General James E. Chambers. In fact, these concerts are delivered under the program called the Commanding General’s Spiritual Fitness Concert Series. Soldiers who decide not to attend find themselves punished.

Now some may say General Chambers only wants to give his soldiers a totally super awesome concert-going experience of fundietastic proportions, but Chambers – Christ-humpingly well intentioned as he may be – is sort of violating a little thing we Americans like to call the Constitution. And we’re not talking about the Ten Commandments on public display, prayers in public schools, or even the ball bustingly retarded Nativity Scene debate every Christmas when we talk about the separation of church and state: This dude Chambers is forcing soldiers to attend concerts with overwhelmingly evangelical rock music and if any of you have ever sat through a mega church service, you’ll understand just what type of shit our poor G.I.s are suffering.

For instance, the sexually appealing – in a “Fuck, she’d be so hot if not for the purity ring” sort of way – band by the name of BarlowGirl has performed at these concerts, and they readily admit they take a “warrior-like stance when it comes to serving God.” A major theme in their music is love and war. Ya know, love for God and war…for God. And BarlowGirl is a hugely popular Christian Rock band (the kind Cartman wanted to emulate when he started Faith +1). The smaller acts who wail combative, paranoid ballads of how the nonbelievers totally want to pelt Christians to death with a hail of aborted baby corpses – Bible rock performances which we at Lib Porn witnessed personally at our mega church visit in Bucks County, PA about a year ago – take heed from bands like BarlowGirl, whipping up the sheeple into a frenzy, speaking in tongues, hating fags, holding women with little esteem, demonizing sex, and treating nonbelievers like me and Mitch with a sort of corporate-like politeness that scarcely masked their true feelings. Their true feelings, of course, fell somewhere around the “Hey there nonbeliever, how’s it feel to suck on the teat of the beast?” type of mindset.

Considering the often combative nature of Christian Rock, it’s frightening our soldiers are being forced to listen to it for two reasons. The first is that America, by and large, likes to bomb other nations because we want money or, more accurately, want to rape their natural resources (because when South America and Africa say “No” they really mean “Yes, we want the great imperialistic dick of America wedged up our tender collective rectum”); generally we don’t bomb folks for purely religious reasons.

The second frightening reason, and this falls squarely into our love and respect for our fighting forces, is that our all-volunteer military now must worry about the unimaginable horror of shitty Christian Rock. If we’re going to provide concerts for our soldiers, please allow Rihanna, Shakira, and Beyonce to perform (and a similarly sexy male equivalent for our female soldiers). These men and women are a moment’s notice away of being deployed in some godforsaken stretch of desert or jungle just so American corporate interests can keep raking in profits; to subject these citizen-soldiers to ridiculously awful Christian Rock is almost treasonous.

Generally we provide a numeric system for rating the destruction of civilization. But the horror of soulful ballads about how awesome it is not to get laid and why abortionists are the devil’s progeny can’t be measured by numbers.

Civilization: Fucked in the ear with Jesus love songs

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*Hey there readers, today’s post is from JackFlash, a liberated individual and good friend of ours. Below, Jack casually destroys the notion that American fundamentalist Christians are just harmless wackos, all while the mainstream media is saying the opposite during our nation’s wildly retarded ‘debate’ about the so-called Ground Zero Mosque. Read more of Jack’s stuff here and, for a fair warning, if you encounter Jack on the internet and decide to debate him, prepare to have your ass unmercifully kicked. Enjoy!

– Chip

Eric Robert Rudolph, a devout Christian and the nation’s most wanted domestic terrorist for several years, set off a total of 4 bombs over an 18 month period of time from 1996 to 1998. He set bombs at a lesbian bar, an abortion clinic and the Olympic Park in Atlanta, and bombed an abortion clinic in Birmingham, Alabama. All total, he killed about 4 and injured about 150 people.

Michael F. Griffin, another Christian, killed a doctor, David Gunn, who performed abortions in Pensacola, Florida in 1993. Since this incident terrorism and terroristic threats have become an all too common method of expression by Christian fundamentalists in America. Randall Terry and Neal Horsley, two Christian fundamentalists, maintain web sites with personal information on doctors who perform abortions, thus giving their fringe elements, like Rudolph and Griffin, the addresses, phone numbers and personal schedules needed to carry out these terroristic acts. Doctors and their staff have to endure threatening phone calls, even in their private homes and even threats against their families, including their young children.

The most common form of terrorism in the United States is committed by Christians in support of Christian values. Although these bombings started in the 90s, Christian hate has been around for much longer. I don’t think an accurate estimate of how many blacks were hanged by the KKK, a Christian organization, has ever been put forth, but the numbers are quite large.

Even in light of all of this terrorism by Christians, no one has ever suggested that we refuse to allow a church to be built near the sites where people were killed by Christian fundamentalists. I’ve never even heard the suggestion. America is a nation built on religious freedom, a freedom that exists independently of those who abuse their religious values. And, who would want to punish someone for the acts of another? Who would want to punish an entire group for the acts of a few, particularly since the many disagree with those terrorists?

So, why all of this controversy about the Muslim Cultural Center in New York City? Why is it that some Americans think that our Constitutional right to religious freedom does not apply to them? I really don’t know the answers to these questions, but, this controversy just might set a nasty precedent. It’s one of those things that just might come back and bite the Christian community in the ass.

Wouldn’t this precedent give David Gunn’s family the right to stop the building of a Baptist church near the site where he was shot in the back by Christian Michael F. Griffin? Wouldn’t the families of the police officer and security guard killed by Rudolph’s bomb also have that right. And that would also mean there are three sites in Atlanta where Christian churches can never be built. As a free nation, do we really want to go down this road?

Since the terrorist attack on 9-11-2001, we have destroyed two Muslim nations and killed hundreds of thousands of Muslims in retaliation for 3,000 American lives, and two buildings, that were taken by a few radical terrorists. How much more revenge do some Americans need in order to put this behind us? How many more do we need to kill and belittle before some of us can feel whole again? And, since this Cultural Center is being built in part as a reconciliation effort on the part of moderate Muslims, should we spit in the face of a peace offering by people who have nothing in common with the terrorists except their religion?

What was that old advice given to people who live in glass houses?

Not pictured: Sanity

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I used to snicker when some Italian-American anti-defamation groups rallied against mafia-centric films and art. Back in my less politically correct days, I’d say, “Wow, these dudes have as much sand in their cooch as black activists who protest gangster rap videos.” I believed such opposition was childish, and the opponents a bunch of boring pussies because, hey, Tony Soprano is a personal hero of mine.

Well he was, up until I read about the fiery opposition to the video game Mafia II, produced by Rockstar and Take Two Interactive, the intolerant bigots responsible for 2002′s biggest hate crime, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. (Not only did Vice City include cries for genocide against Haitians, it also included Ray Liotta, who is also a hate crime.)

Pictured: Racism

Mafia II embodies the same offensive stereotypes of Italian-Americans, not only, according to leading critic of the game Andre DiMino, because of it’s portrayal of Italian Mafiosi, but because it doesn’t include any other ethnic groups involved in organized crime. DiMino, great advocate of the oppressed Italian peoples that he is, understand the big picture. The big picture being, um, ya know, there are Irish and black gangsters too.

Anyway, as I have finally realized the hateful potential of video games and film, I find myself utterly offended by another new game, Kane and Lynch 2. One of the main characters, Lynch, is bald. Of course, as the media so often does with bald characters, Lynch is portrayed as a murderous psychopath.

The “evil bald guy” is nothing new. Dennis Hopper was bald in Water World. Most of the Aryans in HBO’s prison drama Oz were bald. The Shredder’s sidekick in the first Ninja Turtles film was bald. One of the very few bald good guys is Bruce Willis’ John McClane, but he was only completely bald in Die Hard 4 and that movie was fucking awful.

As a bald man myself, I’m ashamed of the American media’s tendency to portray bald men as either psychopaths or criminal masterminds. Taxi drivers ignore me. Folks think I’m a Nazi. When I walk into a bank, terrified bank tellers scramble to call the police. In fact, whenever I step foot into a large office building, some maverick police detective – who usually disdains authority and has an ever-present hangover and just can’t seem to get along with his wife – tries to arrest me. Although I should count myself lucky, because if I was one of those unlucky souls with a thick German accent, those same detectives would simply throw me off the roof.

So no, the average bald American citizen doesn’t cackle maniacally while his henchmen do his dirty work, nor does the average bald man puff ominously on a cigarette as he watches the countdown timer bleet down to zero (presumably to blow up an orphanage or a black church in the South). We’re normal people, just like you, and the hateful representations of bald men in video games and film must stop, lest even more hairless men face the unending oppression of the hair-having society that so thoroughly demonizes us.

(Failure to comply with our demands will force us to begin a bald insurrection, in which we will mercilessly slaughter the hair-having oppressor. We will start by having bald men – armed with billy clubs and baseball bats – manning polling stations during the upcoming mid-term elections to ensure bald voters aren’t intimidated by the hateful hair-having devils who wish to further their anti-scalp agenda. And our fury will be justified, as the vast majority of the world’s wars and mass killings have been, and will continue to be, committed by the non-bald.)

By any means necessary.

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